Confession
by MarianaReads
Summary: Potter has never been in a darker place. Though he's preparing to ask Ginny to marry him, Harry can't seem to let go of the one person who makes life bearable for him - Luna. *Harry/Luna *COMPLETE! *Spans six years of their lives!
1. Chapter 1

September 2003

"Hello, Harry."

Harry winced. The sound of her voice had caused him to jump, sending the tiny pieces of shredded napkins scattering across the small table. A few pieces fell into the circular rings of sweat left from his glass of water that he hadn't touched. Harry stared at the floating bits of paper. He couldn't will himself to meet her eyes... yet. Harry heard her pull back the chair across from his and take a seat but after that, she was perfectly silent. Luna was always silent, it seemed. It was maddening and yet comforting, all at once. She never expected him to fill the air with empty words the way that the world always seemed to demand that he do. Luna knew that Harry needed to take his time and she let him. She didn't demand to know his feelings, or how he was adjusting, or what he was thinking constantly. If he wanted to offer the information, then fine - she'd be there. She was always there. Luna wasn't taken in by The Chosen One or by The Boy Who Lived. To Luna, he simply existed as Harry. And this was the _one _thing that Harry desired of the world - to be seen apart from the war, from Voldemort, from death... so why was he choosing this path for himself?

He cleared his throat.

"Luna, I..." he chanced a glance at her and found she was watching him, steadily. Her big, blue eyes shone clear and seemed to say that she'd accept whatever he was about to confess. And inexplicably, he grew angry. He was about to hurt her, to break his own heart, and she'd simply take it without a fight. "Luna, I'm going to ask Ginny to marry me." Luna's face fell for one iota of a second, before she pulled her lips into a small smile. And that tiny, nearly imperceptible break in her face seemed to shatter Harry.

"Ah, well. It would seem that congratulations are in order," Luna reached across the small café table and patted Harry's hand with her own. Before she could pull away, he grabbed her hand with his own. The gesture made her start, and she glanced up at Harry.

"I'm sorry, Luna," he said, his voice hoarse.

"For what, Harry?" She fixed her eyes on him, searching his face. Harry broke her gaze and looked around the café. The Muggles were all carrying on with their own business. They, like Luna, paid no special attention to Harry. This was why he escaped to the Muggle world. If he had known at eleven that he would seek the Muggle world out as a refuge, Harry would have laughed until he cried. But in the five years after the end of the Second War, life had become nearly unbearable. Naturally, he had the friends who had supported him before the world fell apart but even they were different now too. Ron and Hermione were living together, creating their own future... and though they never intentionally excluded Harry, he was no longer a central piece of their relationship. They were creating a life together and it did not feel right to expect them to make the same space for him as he would have when they were in Hogwarts.

The rest of the wizarding world treated him like a war hero. He supposed he was but Harry had hoped that he'd be given the chance at a life he had never experienced - a life of anonymity. A life in which people didn't stop and applaud him in the streets. Where children didn't stop and stare. He knew in his heart that he should be thankful that his world understood and appreciated what he had been through but - did they really? Did they truly understand? No. Harry had been through some very dark places in his young life, but now? He couldn't begin to see a light at the end of the tunnel. He only thought he knew isolation before. And now, now he was going to marry Ginny Weasley.

Harry had no doubt in his mind that Ginny would accept. The two had been a couple ever since the Battle of Hogwarts and everyone seemed to accept their relationship as permanent. Ginny was his best friend's sister, and Harry loved her family. In fact, he was a part of her family. He had no doubts that she would be faithful to him and to be steady along side him for the rest of their days. And truly, was there anything more that a person could ask for? Ginny was a wonderful woman, and Harry knew that they could be good for each other... if he knew that there wasn't someone else who was better suited for him.

And he believed that person was sitting across from him at this very moment.

"I feel as though I'm," _I'm what? _Harry thought. _Betraying you? _"I'm... We..." Harry stopped, at a loss for words. He glanced at her, his eyes pleading. Harry willed Luna to understand so that he wouldn't have to say the words himself.

"Harry, you're feeling guilty. I know that. I can see that. But you need to figure out why you're feeling this way before you can try to express it to me," Luna said and gently pulled her hand free of his. Harry clenched his fists. Anger, again.

Luna and Harry forged some sort of special relationship while they were students at Hogwarts. In a way, they were very similar. They were both outcasts and, at times, ostracized by the world at large. But while Harry wanted to rage at the world for not understanding and for abandoning him, Luna took it all in stride. He _knew_ that it got to her at times, when they were younger, but she took it all with grace. Luna Lovegood was a study in grace but more often than not, the world failed to recognize it. Harry's face burned with shame and his stomach doubled over when he remembered how he used to mock Luna - behind her back and sometimes, to her face. He didn't understand back then what she would become to him.

The year immediately after the War had been the worst of Harry's life. What should have been a year of triumph and celebration was marked by a life pushed even further into the public eye and, subsequently, a crippling isolation. He became angry, and lashed out at those he loved most. Ron and Hermione accepted his behavior and attempted to help him through it. After all, they had been there the most - through the worst. They understood. But it was Luna who helped Harry to understand _why_ he was angry. She sat with him for nights and days, simply listening to him ramble out his madness and work his way through what he was thinking. It was she who held him as he cried, and would be the steady hand that he reached for when he awoke from terrible nightmares. Harry still didn't understand why he turned to Luna and not to Ginny during that first year after. And Ginny recognized what was going on too. Perhaps it was a mark of how good she was that she accepted Harry's choice in companion without complaint, or maybe it was because she knew that she couldn't and didn't want to face Harry's darkness. Harry half suspected the latter.

Quite simply, Luna was a light. She was _his _light... and he was about to throw her away because the world expected it of him. Harry clutched his stomach - he felt that he might be sick.

"I think I'm making the wrong decision," he managed to say before clamping his mouth shut. Again, he turned his eyes to Luna's, pleading.

She offered him a small, sad smile before pulling the long strap of her handbag over her shoulder. Once more, she reached across the table and gently placed her hand on top of Harry's and squeezed gently. She stood and turned to go.

"You're-you're leaving me?" Harry spluttered. Luna sighed and turned back to look at him.

"Harry, I don't know what you want me to say-"

"What you're thinking would be nice, for a start. You're just sitting there, letting me drown... all while _smiling_? You, of all people, know that this isn't easy for me," Harry spat at her. He gripped the edge of the table, his knuckles turning white, as he fought to overcome the anger that had risen up. Luna's smile fell to a hard and grim line.

"Harry, you called me here to talk... but the majority of the time you sat there looking ill. But now, I need to return to work. The Quibbler is close to being published and I need to over see it. We're doing ourselves no good just sitting here, staring at one another," Luna said. At the mention of the publication, Harry barked out a laugh.

"The Quibbler? Of course. You wouldn't want the inquiring masses to be left out of any developments surrounding the healing properties of a Blast Ended Skrewt's tail shell." As soon as he said it, he regretted it. Luna's face fell and she stared at the ground for a moment before meeting his eyes. There was a quiet fury there that he had never before seen.

"I've known you to be many things, Harry Potter... but never hateful. I understand why you're angry with the world but I will not be your punching bag. If you can figure out what is going on in that mind of yours, you know where to find me. But until then, I will not be treated with cruelty." Luna turned on her heel and rushed out of the café. Moments after the door slammed shut, Harry heard a loud and distinctive pop. He knew that she had Apparated and was gone.


	2. Chapter 2

June 1999

Luna woke with a start – someone or, more likely, some_thing_ was outside the house. She smiled to herself, imagining her father sweeping into the room and smoothing down her hair. "Not to worry love," she could hear him say, "You know that Wrackspurts mate this time of year. They're carrying on in the garden."

_Yes, Father_, Luna thought sadly. _But Wrackspurts aren't real now, are they?_

It had been a year since the Battle of Hogwarts and less than a year since Luna took a good look at her father and his beliefs and realized that most of them were nothing more than the designs of an eccentric. It had been heartbreaking to Luna and the young woman had been undeniably changed because of it. A year before, she wouldn't hesitate to defend the existence of fantastical creatures to narrow minded wizarding folk but now? Now, she knew the truth.

The disturbance sounded again from down below, and Luna slid out of her bed, grabbing her dressing gown as she went. Below her window, in her garden, a figure was stumbling about, shouting curses and waving his wand at the various statues. There was no question that he was male – and his voice was eerily familiar. Luna turned and ran from her room, racing down the stairs and only slowed when she reached the entrance to her garden. She removed her wand from a pocket of her robe and murmured, "_Lumos," _as she stepped outside.

The figure spun and pointed his wand at her. "Reveal yourself!" he shouted, the words slurred – obviously intoxicated.

"Reveal myself? But Harry Potter, you're the one in _my_ garden in the middle of the night," Luna said calmly, crossing the cold grass to reach Harry. He peered down at her, his glasses askew and his eyes clouded over from too much Fire Whiskey, if what she smelled was correct.

"Luna?" he asked, and dropped his wand. He stared at her, confused, and then glanced about his surroundings. "I… I was walking home and there were figures following me. They cornered me here," he whispered, glancing around the small garden with wide eyes.

Luna studied Harry's face. Of course she had heard the whispers about him following the War. Folks said that he was losing it, prone to bouts of drinking and madness… not unlike Alastor Moody when he was still alive. The rumors said that he would sooner curse you than find out your name if you approached him from behind…

But could she blame him? No, absolutely not. Those who were in the thick of the war had _all_ been changed – for the better and for the worse. Luna could not find it within herself to fault Harry for his behavior and in fact felt pity for the man standing in front of her.

"We're doing ourselves no good standing out here in the cold," Luna said. She reached out and took Harry's non-wand hand. He jumped at her touch and stared down at their joined hands. "Come inside, Harry. I'll make some tea."

He nodded and looked around the garden once more. Seemingly satisfied that no nefarious characters were lurking in the shadows, he stumbled behind her, into the warmth of her kitchen.

Harry sat down in one of her chairs and glanced around the small room while Luna set to making tea. "So, Harry, what brings you to my garden at two in the morning?" She heard Harry suck in breath and sigh.

"I'm sorry. I… You knew that I moved into town?" he asked.

"Yes, of course. You've been the only thing that people could speak of since you purchased your flat." Luna turned to him and set a steaming mug in front of him. He glanced down at the liquid as though it would rear up and bite him. "It's simple herbs, Harry. No surprises."

"What? Nothing to keep away bad spirits and ghosties?" He snorted meanly before glancing up at Luna. At her look, his face faltered and he leaned back against his chair. "That was uncalled for. I-" Luna cleared her throat and cut him off. He glanced up at her and she shrugged.

"I fear I'll forever live under the shadow that my father cast," she admitted, settling into the chair next to Harry's. He watched her with a confused expression and Luna smiled sadly. "It took me so long to realize that my father was… out of touch… and I believed him so whole heartedly, so blindly. All the while, _everyone _at Hogwarts was mocking me… Mocking us." A brief look of pain marred her features.

"I thought it didn't get to you. I thought you didn't care," Harry commented. Luna laughed softly.

"I thought that I was right. But, no matter. It does not do to dwell on the past and forget to live, does it now?" At her words, Harry jumped. Luna turned her gaze to him. "Are you alright?"

"Er, yes. Fine. It's just… those words. Someone once said them to me before…" Luna peered questioningly at Harry but he shook his head. The two were silent for a moment before a sharp laugh exploded from Harry's mouth. "I'm sorry… This is just… Well, it's ridiculous, isn't it?"

"What is ridiculous, Harry?" Luna asked, studying his face. Harry wore a hard expression as he stared down into his untouched tea. To her, Harry always seemed to be struggling for control – for control over his temper, his anger… And it would seem that the events of the past few years were making everything harder for him. He seemed to be at war with himself.

"Me. _Here_," he chuckled. "I'm sitting in Luna _Lovegood's_ kitchen… at two in the morning. Quite drunk, if I'm honest with myself," Harry let out a full laugh this time and Luna frowned. "I'm sure you still have that painting of all of our faces on your ceiling, don't you?" Luna couldn't decide if the mean streak she was hearing was a direct response to the alcohol that Harry had consumed earlier. She stood abruptly and motioned to the door.

"Alright, Harry. I can see that you're fine. Perhaps it's time for you to go." Harry opened his mouth to protest but Luna cut him off. "I won't tolerate being mocked in my own home." Luna moved forward and pulled on Harry's upper arm. He stumbled out of his chair and fell against the table, bracing himself.

"Alright, _alright_. I'm going, damn you… Gerroff me!" He snapped at her. Harry righted himself and snatched his wand off of the table, shoving in his back trouser pocket. "I don't need this. I don't need _any _of this," he shouted. Luna jumped back, surprised at Harry's sudden outburst. He glared at her with a wild look and Luna couldn't help but shrink back a bit.

"Please, just go," she said in a small voice. Harry sneered at her one more time before kicking open her door, and crashing down into the garden. Luna quickly closed the door behind him, and watched him from the window. Harry stood, with his hands on his knees, panting. And for a moment, Luna could have sworn that she heard sobs erupt from him. Luna moved to open the door but before she could call his name, Harry vanished with a loud pop.

_The Next Morning_.

Luna sat in her flower bed, relishing in the sight of the beautiful blossoms and enjoying the sunshine. She moved to reach for her trowel when she heard the crunch of gravel signaling another approaching.

"Luna… Hey, I, uh…" Luna turned and peered up at Harry Potter from under the wide brim of her sun hat. He was staring at his shoes and looked as though he'd rather be anywhere but here.

"Good morning, Harry," Luna said cheerily. "What brings you here?" She turned back to her flowers and moved to pull a weed.

"I wanted to come by and apologize. That is, I need to apologize - for my behavior from last night. I was an absolute git."

Luna smiled to herself as she tossed the weed aside. "The famous Harry Potter… admitting that he's only human." She glanced back up at Harry and watched as his expression hardened at the mention of his fame. "Oh, I was only teasing." Luna stood and brushed the soil off of her hands. "I'm about to fix some lunch. Would you like to join me?"

Harry stared at her for a minute, as though he was trying to decide whether she was trapping him in a situation that he didn't want to be in. After the minute passed, he smiled reluctantly. "Yeah, I think I'd like that." Luna nodded and moved toward her house.

"Come on, then."


	3. Chapter 3

September 2003

Luna let herself into her home, and set her belongings on the kitchen table. She sucked in a long breath and willed her hands to stop shaking. _Breathe, Luna_, she coached herself. When she closed her eyes, she saw Harry sitting across from her at the Muggle café. _Stop it!_ she shouted at herself. Opening her eyes, she moved across the kitchen to her small desk, and glanced down at the papers indicating necessary edits for the upcoming Quibbler publication. She sighed and dropped into the chair, silently praying to get lost in the Quibbler. After reading the same note three times, she threw the papers down and ran her hands over her face. It was no good - nothing could distract her from what Harry just told her...

Was he truly going to marry Ginny? Luna knew that Harry was technically still in a relationship wither her. But that's what it came down to - a technicality. More often than not, Ginny was away - for Quidditch matches, tours, conferences... and when it was the off-season? She was being whisked between parties, and galas, and interviews... Harry was alone the majority of their time as a couple and yet... and yet was still going to choose _her_.

Luna's face burned with shame as soon as the thought crossed her mind.

Why should he choose Luna? If she was honest with herself, their relationship never moved past friendship despite her ever-growing feelings for Harry. The morning after he stumbled into her garden four years ago was just the beginning of what would become their daily routine. Harry would _always _show up at her gate and they'd spend the day together - going for walks, working in her garden, making day trips into town or into London... No matter what, Harry always made it to her. She had been the one who he turned to when the darkness got too great and Luna knew that Harry hadn't told Ginny just how badly he was struggling after the war. Sometimes, when Harry fell asleep on her couch after late nights talking, he'd awake from nightmares screaming. Screaming for _Luna_, not for Ginny. And all this time, Luna had accepted his need for her. She'd been steady for him, as steady as rock, when Harry had needed her. And this was how he was going to repay her?

_Did you really think he'd sacrifice Ginny _Weasley_ for you?_ she asked herself bitterly. _Of course not_. Ron Weasley was his best friend, and the Weasleys were truly the only family that Harry had ever known. Why would Harry sacrifice his family for a woman who was still regarded with mirth through out the wizarding world? The choice was easy - Ginny Weasley, world renown Quidditch star, or Luna Lovegood, eccentric editor of quack publication _The Quibbler_? Luna laughed harshly at herself before placing her face in her hands and bursting into tears.

Luna had no idea how long she sat like that at her table. She felt a hand on her shoulder and glanced up, noting how the lowered sun cast shadows throughout her kitchen.

"Luna," Harry murmured, kneeling before her. He pulled her hands down into his and ran his thumbs over her soft skin. Luna lowered her gaze to him and studied his face, searching for signs of what he was thinking. Harry raised her hands to his lips and placed soft, reverent kisses on each hand. She sucked in a breath and pulled her hands free of his, running them down the length of her trousers. Harry looked up at her, hurt marring his features. After a moment, he nodded and stood, walking the length of her kitchen. Once he reached the far corner, he turned back to watch her. Crossing his arms over his chest, he leaned back against her counter.

"Say the word, Luna, and I won't do it. Tell me not to marry her and I won't," Harry stated. As if he were asking the most simple request of her. Luna's mouth dropped open as she stared at him.

"You can't possibly be serious," she stuttered. Harry shook his head.

"Luna, I am deadly serious. Tell me not to, and I won't," he responded. Luna narrowed her eyes at him and stood. She turned her back to him, and began absent-mindedly organizing The Quibbler notes before her. Her hands began to shake again.

"Don't be a fool," she said, and heard Harry cross the room. Her wrapped his fingers around her upper arms and pulled her gently back towards him, turning her so that she was facing him. With a finger, he lifted her chin so that she was forced to look into his eyes.

"Say the word, Luna," he repeated. His eyes seemed to beg her to. With that Luna broke free of his touch. Suddenly, she was angry.

"_I _have to be the one to tell you, to ask you, not to marry your girlfriend? And I thought that Gryffindors prided themselves on bravery." Luna pushed passed him, and walked into the adjoining room. She looked around and fixated on the clutter on her table. Luna prayed that she appeared distracted and that Harry wouldn't be able to pick up on how shaken she was. She heard Harry follow her from the kitchen. Luna gathered the various books and parchment rolls into her arms.

"Bravery? Luna, I'm telling you that I will risk _everything_ that I have-" he began. Luna whipped around and glared at him.

"Make the decision for yourself, Harry. I will _not _be the reason that you fix blame on when you realize that you'll be held accountable for your actions. Do you want to marry her, Harry? Do you?!" Luna shouted at him. Harry blanched and hardened his jaw. "What, Harry? Nothing to say. It's a simple question. Do you love her? Do you want to marry her?"

"I- Luna, it's not that simple-" he began walking toward her but she held up a hand, stopping him in his tracks.

"It's the _most _simple question! Do you love her?" Luna enunciated each word, and began rushing around the room, throwing books that she had gathered on to random surfaces. She couldn't look at his face. She _couldn't_.

"I... Well, yes. I do love her," Harry answered. Luna's shoulders slumped and she dropped the remaining parchment to the floor. _Do. Not. Cry_, she coached herself.

"Well, there you have it. Congratulations, Harry. If you'll excuse me," she said, and moved to re-enter the kitchen. Harry stepped into her path.

"But I love you too."

Luna looked up at him. "I won't make your decisions for you, Harry. And I won't let you treat me like this anymore." She knocked into him, bumping him out of her way.

"Treat you like _what_, Luna? Treat you like I've been falling in love with you every single damn day for the last four years?" Harry shouted. He was quickly losing his cool and he squeezed his eyes shut, willing himself to calm down. When he reopened them, Luna was standing in the middle of the kitchen, her back to him. Absolutely still. He moved towards her and ran a finger along her braid, breathing in the smell of her hair - _wildflowers_. "You have to know, Luna. I know that I'm not alone in this," he whispered. Luna let out a shuddering sob.

"Every day, for four years, I've let you into my home... into my life. I won't pretend that I was the only one available for you, but I was the only one who you _wanted_. And for every single day, I've watched you leave me at night... to go home to _her_. To go to a life that you clearly don't want," Luna turned and glared at him, tears streaming down her face. "And you have the audacity to expect me to ask you to choose me? Yes, I love you, Harry and I'm a fool for it. But pay me the _respect _that is due to those who you love. I won't grovel at your feet and beg for you. I'm better than that, and I deserve more. If you want me - I am here. I've been standing here, _waiting _for you. But you need to be the one to take the step," Luna said, pushing her finger into Harry's chest. "But I am finished with it and I'm asking you to make a decision now. And if you leave today and you're not with me, that door will no longer be open to you. I will no longer force myself to exist in a stunted reality waiting for you to notice me."

Harry glared at Luna, and stepped towards her. Once again, he placed his hands around her upper arms but this time, he yanked her towards him. And Luna met his eyes, glare for glare. But Luna wasn't expecting Harry to duck his head and press his lips against hers. His hands slid up her arms, and made their way into her hair. He deepened the kiss and unwittingly, Luna opened herself to him. But as soon as her eyes were closed, Harry was breaking the kiss.

"Goodbye, Luna," he whispered. He pressed one more kiss to her lips and left.


	4. Chapter 4

February 2, 2004

The door to the pub crashed opened, but Harry didn't bother to glance over his shoulder to see who it was. He stared down at the swallow of fire whiskey in his glass and grimaced. A shot of icy wind ran over him and he shuddered.

"Close the damn door, would you?" he shouted, and threw the shot back. The liquor burned his throat all the way down but Harry took comfort in the feeling. It would bring a numbness that made the world easier to exist in. He slammed his glass down and made eye contact with the bar keep, indicating that he wanted another. The old man began pouring him another tumbler full of whiskey but shook his head while doing so. The other pub patrons either hurried their meals along to avoid the spectacle or lingered. Who wouldn't want to witness _the_ Harry Potter getting pissed in public?

"That'll be it for Potter," a voice announced from behind Harry. The keep nodded to the man and Harry glared over his shoulder at the intruder. Ron Weasley clapped a hand down on Harry's shoulder and dug his fingers in. Harry winced as Ron sent pain shooting from the pressure point and ripped himself out of his friend's grasp.

"That'll _not _be it for Potter," Harry slurred. "Take a seat, Ron. Haven't seen you in a while. Keep, a shot for my friend!"

Ron shook his head at the old man and grabbed Harry's upper arm. "Let's go, mate. You're making a scene."

Harry turned his look to Ron and rolled his eyes. "What're the chances of you letting me stay here?"

"Not in your favor. Let's go, Harry."

Harry muttered to himself and pushed up off of his bar stool. He threw a few sickles on to the bar top and ripped his arm from Ron's grip once more. The two men exited the bar and Ron began steering Harry towards his and Hermione's place.

"Let me guess," Harry said, beginning to stumble. Ron reached out to steady him but Harry sneered. "I've got it. Let's see... We have our good Miss Granger to thank for this intervention tonight?"

Ron's look darkened and he shot Harry a glare. "She's worried about you. We're _all _worried about you. And believe me, I don't fancy dragging your arse out of pubs every week either. You're embarrassing yourself."

"Well I didn't bloody ask for your help," Harry spat. He turned on his heel and began heading towards his flat - he though. Harry stopped dead and looked around. All of the buildings suddenly looked identical and he had _no _idea which way Ron had led him. Ron leaned against the closest building and watched his best friend stumble about, trying to gain a bearing on his where about. After a minute or so, Ron couldn't take how pathetic Harry looked. And to be honest, he was starting to get angry.

"C'mon, mate. Hermione's waiting up for us. Let's get going," he reached for Harry but Harry shoved him away.

"Piss off! I swear I will curse you and leave you here to freeze!" Harry screamed at Ron, pulling his wand out and pointing it squarely at Ron's chest. Ron stared at Harry in disbelief.

"Have you gone mad?!" Ron shouted. He pulled his own wand out and pointed it at Harry. In all of their years together, in all of the madness that they had survived together, Ron had _never _seen that insanity in Harry's eyes. Harry looked as though he'd sooner throw the Cruciatis curse at Ron than follow him home.

"You're out of line," Ron said through gritted teeth. "Lower your wand, Potter."

Harry barked out a laugh. "I'm out of line?! A man can't get a damn drink without having the Order descend upon him!" Harry laughed darkly and thrust his wand toward Ron once more. "Never," Harry sneered.

Ron murmured, "Expelliarmus," and rolled his eyes as Harry's widened in shock. Harry's wand went flying as if an invisible hand snatched it from him. Ron reached up and simply caught Harry's wand as it flew towards his head. Harry growled and Ron leveled his gaze towards his friend.

"Give my wand back, Ron," Harry demanded.

"You threatened me… You've lost it, mate. You need help," Ron turned on his heel and began to walk towards his house. At this point, he didn't care whether Harry followed him.

"Give me my damn wand!" Harry screamed. Ron shook his head and continued his trek home. The snow was beginning to lie on the street and his breath came out in short, white puffs of air.

Ron was thrown to the ground and skidded a few feet, his trajectory stopped as he crashed into a couple of bins outside of the building. Harry glowered over him, panting slightly.

Harry had just… _thrown_ him to the ground? Ron blinked up at Harry, all of his emotions eclipsed by disbelief for a single moment. And then rage over took him. He jumped to his feet and grabbed Harry by his collar, backing him up until Harry was slammed into the wall of another building in the square. The force knocked Harry's glasses from his face and Ron heard a crunch beneath this foot. He didn't care. All he could focus on was the _drunk_ in front of him who had caused trauma and rifts in his family during the past year.

"I am _sick_ of your shit," Ron spat into Harry's face. "I don't know who the hell you think you are. I don't _know_ you anymore." He tightened his grip on Harry's collar and moved inches from his face. "You've messed up _everything_!"

Harry pushed back against Ron, freeing himself. "You don't know anything!" he screamed. He and Ron stared at each other for a long moment, both men panting. Harry tore his gaze from his best friend's face and searched the ground wildly for his glasses. He heard a sickening crush as the last of his frames were destroyed and he snapped.

Harry launched himself at Ron and the two fell to the ground. Ron maneuvered himself so that he was on top of Harry and raised a fist. Harry glared up at him. "Do it," Harry growled. Ron snapped and let his fist drop, connecting to Harry's jaw with as much force as he could muster. Ron lifted his arm to drop another punch when someone grabbed him and ripped him off Harry.

George stood above Ron, and Ron watched as Hermione ran up to Harry and dropped to her knees over him. She reached to touch is face but he slapped her hand away.

"What in the bloody hell is wrong with you two?" George asked. He looked between Ron and Harry. "Hermione heard the two of you screaming at one another and came to the Burrow for help."

Harry shot Ron a glare as he wiped at the blood trickling from his lip. Hermione noticed the shattered glasses in the snow and stood. She slowly made her way to them and murmured, "Reparo." The glasses rebuilt themselves and she offered them to Harry. As Harry sat up, Ron and Hermione looked at each other. She simply looked sad. Ron, however, couldn't let go of his pulsating anger.

George seemed to realize that no one was going to answer any of his questions so he hooked a hand under Ron's shoulder and hoisted him up.

"Come on, brother. Let's go," he said quietly. Ron turned to Hermione, who shook her head.

"I'll see Harry home," she said quietly. Ron stared at her for a moment before nodding his head. He approached her slowly, and took her hand.

"If you need anything," he murmured. She smiled sadly and nodded. He handed her Harry's wand. "Right then," Ron said, backing up. "I'll see you at home, Hermione." Hermione watched her fiancé retreat with George before looking down at Harry. He was still sitting on the ground, his head in his hands. She sighed and approached him, offering her hand.

"Let's go, Harry." Harry looked up at her.

"I'm messed up, Hermione," he said. His voice cracked. She nodded sadly.

"I know." Harry grabbed her hand and stood. Hermione patted her hand on Harry's arm and the two began walking to his home.


	5. Chapter 5

February 2, 2004

Harry let himself and Hermione into his small flat and dropped into a chair. Everyone had been shocked when he decided to purchase the small apartment in Ottery St. Catchpole. The popular opinion seemed to be that Harry would move to Godric's Hollow but the neighborhood held no appeal to him, at least not at this point in his life. For now Harry strived to distance himself as much from his past as possible. And that meant purchasing a tiny flat - no more than a kitchen, a loo, and a bedroom - and living close to the Weasleys.

When Harry had explained his reasoning, Ron had simply said, "We're wizards, you know? We're literally close to _anyone_... well, so long as you can Apparate properly." Hermione had jabbed her elbow into his ribs and Molly hushed him.

"It's a lovely place, Harry, dear. And we're happy to have you so close," she'd said warmly. Arthur nodded in agreement.

But now, the tiny space was suffocating. Harry didn't bother with cleaning anymore and the filth seemed to grow daily. Hermione glanced around his kitchen once and immediately set to washing his dishes. Harry rested his elbows on the small table and placed his head in his hands. The alcohol was quickly moving him from a happy drunk to a miserable hangover. For several long moments, the only sound was running water and the clink of silverware as Hermione attacked the small pile. Harry groaned and glanced back at her for a moment.

"You're a witch, Hermione," he slurred. He dropped his arms to his side and simply rested his cheek against the cool tabletop.

"I know that," she said simply.

"S'why're you doing that? You could magic it away."

Hermione chuckled softly. "And to that I'd say so could you. But truth be told, it's old habits. I can't seem to shake myself of some of them," she explained simply. "It drives Ron mad. He can't understand why I'd spend time doing anything that can be accomplished with a simple flick of the wrist."

Harry grunted.

"Sometimes it's nice to do things the old fashioned way. I like to keep my hands busy and it gives me time to think." Hermione smiled to herself. "But maybe Ron is right. Maybe I am crazy."

"No, I get it," Harry responded. It was the same logic he used to explain why he chose to walk rather than Apparate. Hermione turned off the water and began to dry the various dishes and cups. The duo were silent for a while, the only sounds coming from a small clock on the wall and Hermione at the sink. Harry willed himself into sobriety. The fire whiskey was still clinging to mind - he was drunk enough that things still _felt_ dull, but was sober enough to realize what an arse he had been that night. It was the worst part of the drink. When sobriety began to descend and with it, the crushing reality of life.

Hermione remained silent and for that Harry loved her. She didn't push him, or demand answers and explanations the way that Ron would have. No, Hermione gave Harry the time that he needed to sort himself out. And in that way, she was exactly like Luna. The thought of Luna sent his head spinning and made his stomach double over. But if Harry was honest with himself, he'd admit that Hermione really wasn't _anything_ like Luna. For so long, Luna had been what kept him on this side of humanity, on just this side of the darkness. And Luna simply understood him - both his thoughts and his needs. Hermione would give him time but wouldn't fully understand where he was coming from. She would require clarification and need to ask questions. Luna just knew.

Harry lifted his head up from the table and licked his lips. "Hermione, I think that I need help," he admitted quietly.

Hermione stopped her chore for a moment, no doubt deciding how to best respond to Harry. After a moment, she began placing his silverware into the correct drawers. "We will find you help, Harry. But you're going to have to give us some slack."

Harry nodded and pushed his chair back so that he could watch her at her work. She was bent over, seemingly lost in arranging his spoons by size.

"Hermione, please - you really don't need to do that." She nodded, never looking back at Harry.

"I know." She continued her work. "You need help," she gently prompted.

Harry sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose.

"I'm angry all of the time," he began. "I'm constantly being thanked and congratulated and these people stop me on the street and they ask me, what's next? What will I do next to amaze the world? And I just want to be left alone. I just want to walk down the street and not be stared at." Hermione closed the drawer softly, rounded the table, and sat across from Harry. "I feel like I'm standing on the edge of this cliff, constantly fighting not to fall. And below? I don't know what's below but it's _dark_ and it's bad but I'm always on the verge. But now? Now I just want to fall because I know that it's inevitable. And because at least at the bottom, it'll be quiet."

Hermione watched Harry with sad eyes. She reached across the table and took one of his hands in hers. For the first time in months, Harry didn't jump at the touch of another human.

"Does this have anything to do with Ginny?" Hermione asked.

Harry shook his head. "I wish it were that simple but no. It's always been this way. Ever since the day that Hagrid brought me my letter. I've always been the center of attention and it used to be okay. Back when I was too naive to understand what I was missing out on. But now I'm just _tired _of it. I want to be forgotten. I hate when strangers thank me because honestly, if I could go back and trade it all in for Dumbledore and Sirius to be alive right now, I would."

"Harry, you can't mean that -"

"Yes, Hermione. I do mean that." Harry pulled his hand from hers and ran his fingers through his hair. "And I know how it makes me sound but I don't care. This is who I am and I just don't care anymore. And no one gets it. No one ever got it, except..." Harry trailed off and stared down at his hands.

Hermione nodded sadly. "Except for Ginny," she said.

Harry blinked at Hermione. "No," he said simply. "The only person who ever understood was... Luna."

Hermione lifted an eyebrow. "Lovegood?"

Harry chuckled without humor. "Was there ever any other?" Hermione stared at Harry, bewildered. She studied his face and after a few tense moments, she sucked in a sharp breath.

"Oh my God. You're in love with her."

Harry looked up and met her eyes. "Smartest witch in our year, eh?"

"But... I don't - when? Luna? Harry, none of this makes any sense."

Harry simply shrugged his shoulders and dropped his gaze back to his folded hands.

"Wait a minute - you've been with Ginny all this time!"

Harry sighed and squeezed his eyes shut. "Ginny was always _gone_. First, she was at Hogwarts... and then she got picked up by the Cannons."

"That doesn't make it _right_, Harry. God, if Ron knew..." Hermione trailed off, and put a horrified hand over her mouth. Harry looked up at her.

"I'd be more worried about what Ginny would do to me but no... Luna and I - we never _did_-" Harry stopped as Hermione held up a hand.

"Don't you sit there and justify your behavior to me. You were _wrong_," Hermione snapped. Harry nodded - he knew that Hermione was right. He hadn't treated Ginny with the respect that she deserved.

"I know. And if I could change things... God, I would give anything to go back and change everything. But I can't, Hermione and believe me, I've suffered for it. But if something doesn't change..." Harry shook his head grimly. "I can't look at myself in the mirror anymore," he confessed, his voice cracking.

Hermione let her look of disgust fade into one of worry. Once more, she reached across the table and took Harry's hand.


	6. Chapter 6

February 4, 2004

Harry opened his eyes. Everything was blurry but there was sunlight - _everywhere_. He squeezed his eyes shut and groaned. The pounding in his head was only getting worse by the second, and there was an incessant buzzing noise in his ears. Slowly, the events of the previous night came rolling back to him and Harry recalled Ron taking not one but two swings at him. He lifted his hand and rubbed his jaw, surprised that the only remanent of the brawl was a dull ache. From what he recalled of the night, Ron packed a hard punch.

Outside of his bedroom, Harry heard the sound of a window opening and he immediately shot up in bed. He felt around his beside table - first for his glasses and second for his wand. Once his vision was restored, Harry slipped out of bed and padded quietly to the door, listening carefully. The buzzing noise suddenly stopped and Harry squinted. Someone was moving about in his living room - there was no doubt. He tightened his grip on his wand and ripped the door open, prepared to curse the first thing that moved.

"Oye!" He yelled, "Who the hell do you think you are?!" He bounded into the living room and crossed into his kitchen, his wand squarely pointed at the back of the intruder. Hermione merely glanced over her shoulder and rolled her eyes.

"Honestly, Harry," she said, turning her attention back to the food cooking on the stove range. "Put your wand down before you kill one of us and sit down."

Harry stared at his friend's back, dumbfounded. His slowly lowered his wand hand to his side and glanced about his flat, taking stock of what Hermione had been doing. There was absolutely no dust in sight and when Harry noticed the abandoned vacuum in the middle of his living room, the mysterious buzzing noise was explained. He dropped into a kitchen chair and sighed.

"Jesus, Hermione. What time is it?"

"Half eight," she said.

Harry groaned again. "How long have you been at it, then? And did you sleep at all? We didn't stop talking til at least two in the morning." Harry waited for a response but Hermione remained uncharacteristically quiet.

"Hermione, what is it?"

She turned slightly, glancing at Harry from over her shoulders. When Harry noticed that her cheeks had flushed and the tips of her ears turned pink, he narrowed his eyes.

"Out with it. What'd you do?"

"Well..." she said, clearing her throat. She turned her body so that she was truly facing Harry. Squaring her shoulders, Hermione looked him in his eye. "Okay, Harry. You can't be angry with me. I only did it because I care about you. And I've been worried - we've _all _been worried." She began speaking in that authoritative voice of hers that Harry knew so well but underneath, he could still hear the quaver in her voice. "You've been asleep for two days."

Harry's eyebrows shot up at that, and he began to respond but fell quiet when Hermione lifted her hand to silence him.

"And it's because I... well, I slipped a bit of a sleeping potion into your tea before we retired to bed."

Harry felt the anger rush back in and he stared at Hermione in disbelief. Her cheeks flushed an even deeper red. "You did _what_?" he asked. Harry managed to keep his voice steady but his knuckles turned white as he gripped the edge of the table.

"It was just a half dosage. Nothing much. I didn't expect you to sleep for longer than four days-"

"_Four_ days... Are you mad?!"

"And of course I diluted it with the dreamless sleep potion-"

"You _mixed_ potions?!" Hermione dropped her gaze to the floor with obvious contrition. "Hermione, you have no way of knowing how those potions could have interacted with one another. God, I could have been put into a coma! _You _could have put me into a coma!"

At Harry's accusation, Hermione looked back at him but her remorse quickly faded so that she merely looked insulted. She even had the gall to roll her eyes.

"Please. If there's one person who knows how to handle potions and the potential mixing hazards, it's me. I wouldn't have put you into danger. Much danger, that is. And yes, I know that I was wrong and I'm _sorry_. Ron about bit off my head when I told him what I'd done but Harry..." Hermione stared at him with pleading eyes. "Please don't tell me that you weren't exhausted. You were being stretched so thin... and you needed the sleep. Just a few days to recuperate and no have to think about anything..."

Harry watched her. One one hand, he was furious. Hermione had essentially drugged him and the very act was an incredible violation of his trust. But on the other hand... Harry sighed. She _was _right. All of this anger and keeping the darkness at bay? Harry was tired, all of the time. Somedays he hardly had the energy to pull himself out of bed. He rubbed his hands over his face and glanced at Hermione again. His resolve to be furious with her evaporated.

"There's no way that it'll ever be okay, Hermione." At that, she nodded. "But... but I s'pose I understand why you would have thought about it. I... You're right. I am tired. And if I'm completely honest, I do feel better now." Harry offered her a small smile. "And I think I'm going to go see Luna today. You know, come clean and just ask for her forgiveness." Hermione raised an eyebrow and opened her mouth, but Harry shook his head. "No, stop. I know that you think I'm out of my head but... But I love her. And I was a total ass the last time we spoke. Don't try to talk me out of it, either. If Luna'll have me back? Everything will change. I can feel it."

"And if she says no?"

Harry shrugged one shoulder. "Well... I'll have to move forward then, won't it?"

Hermione bit her lower lip and glanced at Harry. He instantly noticed the guilt on her face once more and began to panic.

"What? What now?"

"Harry... I..."

"Hermione, _what_?!" he barked.

"Don't yell at me, okay? While you were asleep... I went to visit Luna." Harry stared at her in disbelief. "I had to know her side of things."

"Her side of things? Christ, Hermione! It wasn't your place!" Harry jumped from his seat and began pacing the length of his small kitchen. "Who the hell do you think you are? You're completely out of line!"

"I am your _friend_, Harry! I was worried about you and I needed to make sure that Luna hadn't-"

"Hadn't what?! Hadn't cursed me into falling in love with her? Why couldn't you have just left it be? Left me be?!" Harry began tearing at his hair. Hermione stepped forward and reached a hand out to stop his crazed gait. At her touch, he rounded on her and pushed a finger into her face.

"Don't you dare touch me," he said through gritted teeth. He grabbed his wand from the kitchen table and in a few long strides, bounded out of the door. Hermione was still trying to process what had gone so terribly wrong with the loud pop signaled that Harry had left.


	7. Chapter 7

_3 February, 2003_

_Miss Luna Lovegood, _

_Editor-in-Chief of _The Quibbler

_Miss Lovegood, _

_ We have never before corresponded and I am quite aware that this may seem quite untoward, but I implore you - please keep reading. I have an incredible and rare opportunity to offer you. But first, let me begin by saying that I am and have been a devoted fan and follower of _The Quibbler_, your work, and your father's work since I was a boy. I was a student at Hogwart's while you were in attendance but I never mustered the courage to approach you. If I may be so forward as to say, you are quite intimidating. Your profound and unmatched intelligence coupled by your achievements with the publication have left me in awe. _

_ My name is Rolf Scamander. My late great-grandfather was Newton Scamander, the author of _Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them_. Following the events of the Second War, I seem to have fallen into his footsteps and am now a magizoologist. In fact, my career path is the reason why I am writing to you._

_ I am planning on compiling a supplementary volume to my great-grandfather's book. I will go through each and every beast, travelling to whatever part of the globe that they inhabit, and update the files that he compiled. I intended on studying the changes in the beasts habitats, behavior, et cetera, etc. And I am requesting that you, Miss Lovegood, accompany me on this journey._

_ If you're still reading, and I desperately hope that you are, you're undoubtedly asking yourself why I sought you out, after never before having met. As I mentioned previously, I am a devoted fan of your work and have noticed the turn that _The Quibbler_ has taken since you took over editorship from your father. Quite plainly, your articles (the ones that you personally quill) are naturalist in nature. I understand you to be an accomplished Herbologist, specializing in rare and exotic flora species. Accompanying me in my journey will offer your the opportunity to visit very remote locations - all over the world - and to study flora to your heart's content. And, if I may be so bold to suggest, perhaps broaden your sights to the fauna that we will encounter. I've also singled you out as a co-author to this supplementary volume. Your expertise in Herbology and mastery over language will be absolutely essential in completing this project. (Naturally, you will receive credit as co-author and we will share any profits that are made.) _

_ I've taken up enough of your time. I plan on setting out on the expedition by the end of September, this year. All arrangements have been made and expenses, paid. All that remains is for you to consider my proposal. Please write me with any questions that you have and I will respond as soon as I possibly can. If you decide to accept, I would love to arrange a meeting to discuss details. _

_ I will be eagerly awaiting your owl._

_ Yours very sincerely,_

_ Rolf Scamander_

Luna read the letter three more times before she allowed herself a moment to even consider the possibility of accepting Mr. Scamander's offer. She was very familiar with Newt Scamander's iconic work and the idea of playing a central role in a supplementary volume was... Well, it was the most exciting thing to happen to Luna in months.

Since Harry had essentially killed the mockery of the relationship they shared months before.

Luna squeezed her eyes shut. _You will _not _think about him, damn it, _she coached herself. Luna took a deep breath and opened her eyes, searching for a quill and a spare roll of parchment. At the very least, she would request a meeting with him to discuss the trip - without obligating herself to the journey. Before she could dip her quill into the pot of ink, the bell sounded at the door. Luna sighed.

"Coming! Just a moment," she called, as she made her way to the front door. She couldn't remember the last time she had a visitor call on her... or a _friend_ for that matter. In fact, it had been a long time since she considered her personal life. It was easier that way.

Luna pulled open her door to reveal a very nervous Hermione Granger on her front steps. She struggled to hide her surprise and Hermione's cheeks tinged pink.

"Luna, hello. I'm glad that you're here," Hermione said, by way of greeting.

"Hello, Hermione. To what do I owe this pleasure?" Luna opened her door further, inviting Hermione into her home. The other woman hesitated, staring into the room beyond. Luna offered her a small smile. "Don't worry. I never had the erumpent horn replaced." Hermione blanched, which only confirmed Luna's suspicions. "And my father no longer lives her. Come along, Hermione. I'll make us tea."

Hermione nodded and squared her shoulders. "But before I come in," she began. Luna turned and glanced at Hermione from over her shoulder. "You should really know that I've come to talk about Harry and what happened between the two of you." Hermione stared at Luna, no doubt analyzing her reaction.

Luna sighed, her shoulders slumping. "I s'pose that a large pot of tea is in order then."

Hermione nodded once more and followed Luna inside.


	8. Chapter 8

February 3, 2004

Luna fixed Hermione with a steady gaze as Hermione looked around her kitchen and shifted in her seat uncomfortably. Despite her forwardness at Luna's door, Hermione quickly descended into a nervous silence as soon as the two women were seated at Luna's kitchen table. Luna found it rather odd to see Hermione in such a state – usually she was self-assured and completely confident in her motives. This jittery person in front of her was nearly a stranger. Luna stifled a smile and averted her eyes, letting Hermione off the hook for the moment. _Yes, Hermione certainly is different_, Luna thought. But the war had changed everyone and Hermione was not completely altered. After all, she had intruded on Luna's peace and privacy, and demanded details of the most intimate and secret parts of her life.

It seemed as though Hermione was waiting for Luna to break the uncomfortable silence but Luna was absolutely comfortable with waiting for Hermione to explain herself. In fact, she was almost enjoying Hermione's obvious internal struggle. She had never been genuinely kind to Luna, and never gave anything to her by way of friendship other than a few pleasantries in passing. Hermione finally cleared her throat and Luna glanced back at her.

"I hope that you don't mind me saying this but you seem like you've changed a lot," Hermione said. Luna raised her eyebrow and found that she was at a loss for words. She expected Hermione to demand the details of her relationship with Harry Potter… not to remark on the transformation that Luna had experienced. Hermione finally looked at Luna, and Luna responded with a small shrug.

"I think it is common knowledge that war seems to alter everyone, even in the slightest way. The things that we both experienced, however different, irrevocably changed us. It is one of the horrors of war, in my opinion. Don't you feel different?"

Hermione paused to think, but only for a second. "Of course I feel different. I can't help but _feel _different. But at my core, I still am the same… but you… You're _different_, Luna. You're no longer airy… or flighty." At least Hermione had the courtesy to look embarrassed by her description.

"Yes, well. I suppose I was violently brought down to earth after my father's break down, his betrayal of _you_, being snatched in the night by Death Eaters, and tortured _daily_ at the Lestrange manor. And when it was all over, did I come back to a broken yet fixable home? No." Luna paused for a moment and fought to retain control over her voice. Once she was certain that she could speak steadily and without coloring her words with rage did she continue. "No," she said softly. "My father was insane. Babbling and bumbling. He was a mere shadow of the man that he once was… a shell, if you will, of his former self. And I could not care for him. He lost his mind, quite literally, because of me."

"But surely you know that it wasn't your fault," Hermione said, softly.

"I realize how irrational that guilt is, but the root of it is true. His love for me caused his downfall. It took me a very long time to be able to look at myself in a mirror after I sent him to St. Mungo's. But you're not here to recount the aftermath of the Second War, are you? You're here for the details of my relationship with Harry. I don't know what it is you're looking for specifically, but I am afraid that you'll be disappointed. Harry and I haven't spoken in several months."

Hermione hesitated for a moment, surprised by Luna's sudden brusqueness. "I-Well… I…" Luna levelled Hermione with another of her penetrating stares, which only caused Hermione to become more uncomfortable. Her cheeks flushed red. "I apologize for intruding on you like this. I realize now how rude it was of me. The truth is… Harry is heading downhill and quickly. He's begun drinking again and had a physical row with Ron a few nights ago. And then he…" Hermione fixed her gaze on Luna, carefully watching for any reaction. "He said that he was in love with you."

Luna winced, despite her efforts not to. The pain of the past few months had finally diminished to a dull ache. At first, after that horrible day in which he had made his decision, any mention of Harry was debilitating, heart breaking. Luna was able to contain herself in public and act as though she was a disinterested friend. God, she was an amazing actress. But behind closed doors… it was as though her world was crumbling around her, over and over again.

Thankfully, Hermione possessed enough grace to allow Luna a moment to collect herself. She took a deep breath and closed her eyes.

"He's mistaken," Luna said simply. She opened her eyes and glanced back to Hermione. "I'm sorry to hear that he's struggling but I don't see how his behavior has anything to do with me. Perhaps he's latching on to me because his relationship with Ginny failed."

Hermione narrowed her eyes and watched Luna carefully. "Failed? You don't know what happened between them, do you?"

"No. It is none of my business nor do I truly want to know what happened."

"He proposed to Ginny-"

"Hermione, please. I don't want to hear this-" Luna's voice fell dangerously close to begging but Hermione continued with her story, raising the volume of her voice slightly. Just so that she was speaking over Luna.

"He proposed to Ginny and she said yes. And then three weeks later, he broke it off with her. With absolutely no explanation. He said that he wasn't in love with her and didn't want to promise her a life that he had no interest in. He was fine for _four_ years and then suddenly, it was as though we were nineteen again and the war had just ended. He's drinking, and he's fighting, and he's _mean_. And then he tells me, quite out of nowhere, that he's in love with _you_. At first I didn't believe it… I thought he was drunk and spouting off nonsense. But now that I'm looking at you," Hermione's voice dropped to just above a whisper. "I think that you're in love with him too."

Luna felt the tears pooling at the bottom of her eyes and she glared at Hermione. Suddenly, her careful restraint snapped and she felt the anger and hurt of the past months rushing back in. "Yes. What do you want me to say? Yes, I am in love with him. I don't want to be the reason why he broke off his engagement and I certainly don't want to be the reason why he's a drunk." Luna let out an angry sigh as the tears began to run down her cheeks. She swatted at them, but continued to glare at Hermione. "But he made his decision. So it's him who you should be having this conversation with. Not me," Luna spat at Hermione and jumped up from her chair. She grabbed the mugs of untouched tea and threw them into her sink.

"Luna! Please, just sit down!"

Luna rounded on Hermione and shot her an accusing stare. "It has taken me _months _to heal and you've undone it all in a matter of minutes. What do you want from me, Hermione?"

The two women glared at each other for a moment before Hermione softened her stare.

"I am desperately afraid for my friend. I love him and I am willing to do _anything _to understand why he's doing this to himself." Hermione slowly rose and approached Luna. In a quick movement, Hermione reached out and grabbed Luna's hand. "I think that you can help me understand and I would do… anything. Please, Luna…" Hermione began to plead.

The tears continued to fall steadily down her face but Luna looked at Hermione, studying her face. Hermione's jaw was clenched tightly, as if set in hard determination. Her eyes were, like her voice, pleading. Luna could instantly see the anxiety that Hermione was feeling due to Harry's current situation, and she felt her resolve to shut Hermione out falter.

Luna sighed softly and wiped once more at her eyes. She gestured to their abandoned chairs, motioning that Hermione should sit again. "Just… Give me a moment will you?" Hermione nodded and walked back to her chair. Luna watched her sit before walking into the small powder room that was just off of her kitchen. Luna closed the door behind her and turned to her reflection in the mirror above the sink.

"You can do this," she whispered to her image, and turned on the faucet. Cold water spluttered and coughed as it flowed through the pipes and finally began to fill the small porcelain bowl. Luna turned the knob off and splashed her face with the water, hoping that the cold would somehow summon her strength.

When she walked back into her kitchen, Hermione looked up at her expectantly and offered a small, sad smile. Luna crossed the room and sat gracefully onto her chair, as though her outburst from a few minutes ago never occurred. "What do you want to know, Hermione?"

"Just start at the beginning. I just want to understand."

Luna nodded and folded her hands on the table in front of her. Once more, she levelled Hermione with a steady stare. "It all started when Harry stumbled into my garden, drunk, at two in the morning."


	9. Chapter 9

February 3, 2004

"So, Harry started showing up at your house each morning. And you just accepted it?"

Luna shrugged. "I was lonely. My father had recently been sent to a long term care facility run by St. Mungo's and I couldn't adjust to an empty house. At first… it was difficult to be alone." Hermione nodded as though she understood.

"What did the two of you do? Talk about?"

"For the first few months, we barely spoke other than to remark on the weather. Harry would simply help me in my garden or with various chores around the house. He would usually come over at around half nine in the morning and we'd work for a few hours. I'd fix us lunch and he'd head home. I suppose to meet Ginny."

Hermione frowned at that. "And Ginny didn't know the entire time? You two were meeting daily and she had absolutely no idea."

Luna glanced at Hermione and raised an eyebrow. "On the contrary, Ginny knew exactly where Harry was each morning. He never lied about his whereabouts and she had no issues with it. At least, not that she said out loud. Not many women view me as a threat. I don't appreciate your accusations, Hermione."

"Luna, I wasn't-"

"But you were. Harry and I are not and never were clandestine lovers meeting in secret trysts. Our friendship was built upon a foundation of mutual loneliness and the need for uncomplicated companionship. Much like when we were at Hogwarts. That is all." Luna sipped her tea and watched Hermione's reaction over the brim of her mug. Hermione's face fell from anger at the thought of Harry's supposed infidelity to hurt because she finally understood. In some of his darkest times, Harry had turned to Luna and not to her.

"But… But Ron and I. We were always here. We have always been here for Harry. I just don't understand…" She glanced down at the table top, frowning.

"Yes, well, the key difference is that you and Ron are in a relationship."

"I don't see why that would make any difference. We didn't stop being Harry's friends when we began seeing each other," Hermione said petulantly.

"I can't read Harry's mind but I believe he didn't want to intrude upon your happiness. And, as always, I was there to fill the void."

Hermione narrowed her eyes at Luna. "I still don't see how a friendship like yours could have evolved into _love_."

Luna raised her eyebrow and felt her cheeks flush. _Breathe_, she thought. "You know, Hermione. In all the years I've known you, you've always walked the line between coldly kind and pretentious. I don't often allow condescension to affect me but that doesn't mean that I'll roll over and take it anymore. You came here, quite unwelcome, to collect the details regarding a time of my life that I hold very private. And when I answer your questions truthfully, you're rude. Yes, a friendship like _ours _evolved into love. I am sorry that the thought of Harry possessing feelings for me offends you. But I am _not _sorry that it happened. Now, we'll either continue this conversation or you may see yourself out. I believe you know where the door is."

Hermione blanched and Luna noticed her knuckles turn white as she clenched her fists. "Fine," she said through gritted teeth. "I'm sorry. But see things from my perspective. You and Harry were always friendly with one another but I never thought that you saw each other in any other light."

Luna nodded. "I understand that but I will not take the insults any longer. But you're right about one thing. He and I were always friendly but it never crossed over into anything else. Remember – we had months of silent camaraderie before our friendship turned into anything else. Harry barely spoke to me the first few months… He'd just see to the tasks that I set out for him and leave. I think that he appreciated having a purpose, really. We both know that he wasn't working at the time and when he'd arrive in the morning… he was listless. Like he hadn't slept or like he had spent time pacing back and forth anxious to get out of his flat. Honestly, he frightened me. Harry was so tightly coiled and had such a nervous energy about him. That first night, when he drunk, he turned on me so quickly that I was afraid. And I knew that version of Harry was just under the surface…. And if I pushed the wrong way or said the wrong thing, he'd snap."

"I know exactly what you're talking about," Hermione said quietly. "He's been like that for ages."

"But then, everything changed. I am not sure exactly what happened in his life because I never asked for details, but I think that Ginny was just recruited for the Cannons. And one night, Harry showed up at my door… drunk, again." Luna paused and looked at Hermione. "I feel that I'm betraying him by telling you this."

Hermione frowned. "I don't know what you want me to say, Luna. If you don't want to tell me, then you don't have to."

Luna sighed and glanced out her window. "No, I guess it's time that I talk about it. It's hard, you know, not having friends. For a long time, for four years, Harry was the only person who consistently sought me out. And then we just stopped speaking and I've been so lonely ever since." Luna frowned slightly and glanced back at Hermione. "Anyway, one night, Harry showed up drunk as ever… but it was different. He wasn't angry or violent. He just seemed defeated and miserable. I couldn't very well turn him away so he came in; I made him tea and let him brood in my kitchen. I made up the sofa because I assumed he was going to pass out and when I turned – he was right there behind me..."


	10. Chapter 10

June 2001

Luna jumped at the knock at her door and immediately glanced at her clock. It was nearly midnight and she had no reason to expect that anyone would call on her. Her heart instantly began to hammer within her chest and she snatched her wands off of the table that sat next to her lounge chair. The knocking sounded again, and the force of the person on the other side of her door rattled her door jamb. Luna pulled her dressing gown tighter around her and readied her wand into a defensive position, just in case. She slowly rose and crossed her sitting room. Another sudden bout of pounding sounded again and Luna jumped violently. Reaching out her hand, she held fast to the knob and pulled her door open, levelling her wand to what she hoped was face level to her unwelcomed guest.

"Reveal yourself," she said, sternly. "I will not hesitate to curse you."

The soft glow of her the fire in the room behind her reflected off of Harry's glasses as he stepped into the room. Harry spared a glance at Luna but remained silent as he pushed past her and collapsed onto her couch. The unmistakeable scent of hard liquor lingered in Harry's wake and Luna sighed, closing the door. She turned around and crossed to her chair, watching Harry with concerned eyes. Her heart hadn't stopped hammering yet.

"You nearly gave me a heart attack, Harry. I enjoy your company but some warning next time-"

Harry groaned loudly and pushed his glasses up to the top of his head. He ran his hands over his face, as if he were exhausted, and looked towards Luna. She was startled by how much more green his eyes looked without the glasses in front of them. Luna knew that he was drunk but his eyes were suprising alert. He seemed... together. Harry replaced his glasses onto his face and pushed himself into a sitting position, and stared at Luna as if he were appraising her. She shifted uncomfortably under his gaze.

"Yer eyes're blue," Harry said, leaning towards her. Luna frowned at his slurred speech and leaned back slightly. The scent of fire whiskey clung hard to Harry's words, apparently his choice drink. "And yer hair. It's like... it's like sunflowers." Harry blinked at his own description and then let out a soft laugh, as if he realized how ridiculous he sounded. "I dunno why I never noticed it before."

"My hair has always been this color, and the same for my eyes. But I'm not sure why you're talking about that and I'm not sure why you're here at this time, Harry." Luna ran a self concious hand over her hair, unsure if Harry was mocking her or not. He seemed to be the only person who could shake her rock solid confidence. Harry watched her for a moment longer before glancing at the fire.

"Ginny's gone," Harry said. Luna blinked at Harry, surprised. He and Ginny had been together for several years now, ever since the end of the War, and their relationship seemed solid - permanent. For them to so suddenly break up...? Luna instantly felt guilty as a wave of hope washed over her. If she were honest with herself, she'd admit that she had always harbored a bit of a crush on Harry Potter. But it was the kind of crush that a little girl has on her best friend's older brother. Harry was out of reach - he was out of her league - and Luna knew that. She was thankful for his friendship and never allowed herself to hope for anything more. But now...

"The Chudley Cannons picked her up," Harry said. "I'm the boyfriend of a _star_." Luna felt the fragile bubble of hope pop and she slumped down into her chair. _Of course_, she chastised herself.

"Ah, wonderful. Congratulations are in order then," she said quietly. She vaguely wondered how quickly she could shoo Harry home... Typically she looked forward his company but Luna did not think she could stomach listening to how great Ginny was for very long. Luna liked Ginny well enough - she had always been kind and went out of her way to speak with her - but to hear about her many accomplishments and how everyone adored her... It was just too much.

Harry snorted at her comment. "Congratulations, right, thanks. Just what I want. Another reason to be in the public eye, another standard to live up to." Harry's voice dropped to a mumble and Luna had to actively pay attention to hear what he was saying. "Another god damn nail in the coffin of that relationship."

"What do you mean, Harry?"

Harry blinked at her in surprise. "Whut?"

"You mentioned your relationship..."

"Oh, that." He leaned forward and looked at Luna. "It's just... you know," he said. Luna shook her head.

"I really don't."

"I dunno. We don't see each other as is. And now she'll be gone on matches and tours. And here I'll be... The famous Potter, the Chosen One," he spat. "Rotting. Doing nothing."

"You're not rotting, Harry," Luna said, leaning forward. She began to extend her hand towards him but thought better of it.

"No? I feel like I am. My purpose has come and gone and I thought I'd feel peace... but I don't. Luna, I don't feel anything. Just anger and confusion and..." He turned his gaze towards her. "Except..." Luna raised her eyebrows expectantly and Harry's voice dropped back down. "Sometimes I feel... It's just that, when I'm with you... Everything, all of the noise, seems to quiet down."

Luna let out the breath she had been holding and stared at Harry. It was nowhere near an admission of feelings but it was the most genuine Harry had ever been with her. He turned a questioning gaze on her.

"And why is that, Luna? Why is it _you _who does this to me?"

"Sometimes the most unlikely of relationships can offer you solace in ways you never knew-"

"Is it that unlikely... this _friendship_ that we have?"

Luna shrugged. "I suppose not. We were both sort of outsiders and I think we recognized that in each other. And I like to listen. I don't think that you realize that about me... but I do."

Harry snorted. "And you don't expect anything of me."

"What more would I ask of you?"

"I don't know. To be heroic all of the bloody time and so damn noble, and righteous. And to make something of myself. To get up off've my arse and get a damn job. Be another prodigy Auror or some other shit thing that I really don't want. I just want to be _Harry _and be left alone."

Luna smiled softly to herself and couldn't help but think that Harry sounded a bit like an overgrown child on a rampage. She couldn't blame him for feeling the way that he did but Harry always seemed so caught up in the throws of some intense emotion that he didn't see his situation for what it actually was. He _was _just Harry Potter, and for the most part, the world had been leaving him alone and allowing him space away from the spot light. Luna suspected that Harry was fighting the demons inside, rather than attempting to keep the world at bay. Harry happened to look at Luna as she was smiling and his look instantly darkened.

"What? What's funny?" He barked at her and Luna dropped the amused expression from her face.

"It's not funny, Harry. I just don't think you're able to see things very clearly," Luna said. She glanced at him, hoping to catch his eyes but he stared darkly into the fire. "I think that our world _does_ expect you to be heroic and righteous but can you blame them? You've been singled out as, forgive me, our savior and you've done that job." Harry let out a sharp laugh at the mention of the word savior but Luna continued speaking over him. "You will always be held to a standard and perhaps that isn't fair, but that's just your lot in this life. You can rise up to meet the situation or your can wallow in self pity and anger. So far you've risen up time and again, but you're giving up. So, be an Auror or don't be - that's your decision. I'm sure that someone will always have something to say about your decisions but who cares? Honestly, who gives a bloody shit?" Harry's eyebrows shot up at the sound of Luna swearing and he stared at her. "Because, at the end of the day, you do have the Weasleys, and Herimone. And they love you and who _cares _what anyone else has to say?"

Harry stared at Luna. She couldn't decide if he was angry or simply taking a moment to digest her mini speech. He nodded for a few moments before he slowly stood and made his way to Luna's front door. She jumped up and hurried across the room after him.

"Harry! I'm sorry, I didn't mean-"

Harry glanced over his shoulder and offered her a curt nod. "No, you said exactly what I needed to hear. I'm sorry for intruding on you, Luna." Harry opened her door, stepped in to the night and gently pulled the door shut behind him. Luna stared at the close door, horrifed. Never in a hundred years would Luna intentionally try to hurt Harry's feelings and the fact that he had reacted so strongly to her words... Tears began to well in her eyes and she simply stood there.

Her door burst back open and Harry walked to Luna in a few short strides. He slipped an arm around her waist and pull her gently to him, his mouth at her ear.

"You were right. And I have you," he whispered. "And you are what gets me through."

Harry pressed a soft kiss to Luna's cheek and was gone.


	11. Chapter 11

February 3, 2004

"And that's how it started," Luna said. "Well, you know what I mean."

Hermione watched Luna for a long moment. Her eyebrows were pulled tightly together and her bottom lip was between her teeth. Luna fixed her with a steady stare, and prayed that none of her emotions were betrayed on her face. Four years had passed since that particular night with Harry and the thought of it made butterflies erupt in her stomach. Butterflies, immediately and inevitably followed by the crushing reality of what their relationship had been reduced to.

Hermione cleared hear throat gently and Luna was pulled, unwilling, back into the present moment. "I still don't understand," Hermione began. "You had a crush on Harry whilst back at Hogwarts, okay. I'll accept that. And then the two of you formed a special bond, and eventually grew to love one another. I think that I can accept that too. But in all that time, nothing happened between the two of you? God, that must've been… years of…" Hermione paused, attempting to get the timeline straight.

"Four years, actually," Luna said quietly. Four agonizing years spent in a maddening limbo. Four years that Luna spent delighting in Harry's presence, cherishing his soft, secret smiles that he gave to her… and four years that she spent aching for him to touch her. Just once, even if only in passing… even if by accident.

"Four years," Hermione echoed. "And you never once-"

"Never," Luna snapped. Hermione was beginning to overstay her welcome and Luna's patience for her insinuations was quickly running thin. "We never kissed, touched, anything. You're digging for details that do not exist and I know that I've told you that before."

Hermione blanched and opened her mouth, stammering out an apology. "Luna, I'm sorry. This is just very-"

"Unexpected. Yes, I know," Luna said, her voice picking up a mean tone. "And it seems to me that, if you must continue on with your notion that Harry was not faithful to Ginny, your problem should be with him. Only with him. And before you attempt to say that I was the wedge between them, I'll kindly ask you to leave. It was lovely to see you again, Hermione, and I am glad that all is well with you and with Ron. But I won't allow you to barge into my home like this again. I've told you all that there is to tell. Harry and I fell in love with one another, quite accidentally, but he honored Ginny in all areas of their relationship. His decision to break things off with her was entirely his alone and like I've said, I haven't spoken to him in three months. And I'd like to remind you that Harry wasn't the only person to suffer because of this ordeal. I sat quietly by, for _years_, while he remained in a relationship with Ginny. I never once asked him to leave her or for him to choose me. I just waited, and prayed, and hoped…" Luna took a tight breath and willed the tears not to form. _Please, just this once…_ "But in the end, he chose her and that was it. There is nothing more for me to say on the subject. Now, if you would be so kind. I have other responsibilities that I need to see to."

Luna gestured at a small pile of parchment rolls that were stacked at the end of her kitchen table. She quickly found Rolf Scamander's letter amongst the other inquiries and suddenly, Luna felt exhausted. Hermione stood and pulled her handbag over her shoulder. She offered one last look to Luna filled with – what? Confusion, annoyance, condescension… _pity_. Luna definitely saw the pity in Hermione's eyes but could not muster the energy to feel any certain way about it. Perhaps, after all, she deserved someone's pity. Perhaps Luna deserved for someone to understand what she went through, even if just superficially.

"I, well. Thank you for your time, Luna. And… I'm sorry," Hermione said. She nodded once before turning and exiting through the sitting room and finally, out the door. As soon as Luna heard the latch click, an enormous weight felt lifted from her chest. Luna looked back at Rolf's letter and pulled it to her, her eyes darting over his request once more.

Simply stated, the opportunity sounded amazing. Truly, a once in a life time endeavor and if passed up, Luna knew that she would regret it. But could she bring herself to leave her home? A few years ago, she would not have hesitated to go with Scamander and see the world but now? Things were no longer that simple. Luna had placed her father in a long term care facility owned by St. Mungo's and never once allowed herself to feel so though he had not been abandoned. Could she leave her home too?

Could she bring herself to leave Harry?

Luna laughed to herself and searched for a fresh sheet of parchment. _Leave Harry? Are you mad? He left _you_. He hasn't bothered to even say hello since that night…_ She pulled a quill and an ink pot to her side and began to pen her response to Scamander. Seven months would be plenty of time to put her affairs in order for an extended stay away… seven months to make amends and tie up loose ends.

Luna nodded to herself and set to her task.

_3 February  
>Mr. Rolf Scamander<em>

_Mr. Scamander,_

_I was flattered to receive your inquiry and would enjoy a meeting to discuss the details and particulars at your earliest convenience. Please let me know the date and time of your choice, and we can meet at the Leaky Cauldron in London._

_Sincerely,_

_Luna Lovegood  
>Editior-in-Chief, <em>The Quibbler


	12. Chapter 12

February 5, 2004

Harry paced outside of Luna's house, attempting to shake the anger that he felt towards Hermione and the nervous energy that was flowing through his veins at the thought of facing Luna again. Hermione's face flashed before his eyes and Harry felt his anger spike once more. _She had _no_ right, _he thought to himself. _No bloody right. We were _fine. _We. Were. Fine. And now… Christ, who knows the damage she's done? _Harry ran his fingers through his hair frantically, and felt strands come away in his fingers. He couldn't figure out what to do with himself and knew that if he did not calm down, he would be only moments away from a panic attack.

He shot a glance up at the house before him and his nervous pacing slowed. It was nearly 9:30 in the morning and yet, Luna had not made an appearance outside. Typically she was out in her garden by 8:45 at the very latest, despite it being February and freezing. Most of her plants lay either dormant or dead, but that didn't stop Luna from walking amongst them and planning, Harry supposed, for what she would do when spring came round again. And what would he do when she finally appeared? He hadn't quite gotten to that part of his plan yet and Harry had no idea how he would gather the courage to face her, let alone to speak with her. Luna could disarm him with a simple glance while they were _friends_… who knew what power she would hold over him now, with everything that had happened.

_Hermione had no right to intrude on Luna and I have even less of a right than her, _Harry reminded himself. If Luna asked him to leave, he would have to respect that. But Harry knew himself and he _knew _that he would lash out at her in anger. He rubbed his palms together and winced at the sticky, sweaty feeling that accompanied the action. _But what are you going to say to her, you bloody arse? _

_The truth, perhaps?_

Harry snorted at himself and resumed his frantic gait. What would the truth accomplish but to open up wounds that had nearly begun to heal over, for both him and for Luna? _And Christ, what _is_ the truth? _That he, Harry Potter, was too much of a coward to own to his feelings for Luna and to pay her the respect that she deserved. That he allowed himself to succumb to the expectations of the world around him by staying in a relationship that he did not want… only to please others. And, most horribly, that Harry was _afraid_ of what a life with Luna Lovegood looked like. It did not matter that she was the only person in the entire universe who seemed to understand him completely, who accepted him completely, and apparently loved him unconditionally.

Of course, Harry knew that Ron and Hermione would always be there for him… waiting with open arms, unconditionally. But they were with each other now and Harry did not feel right expecting and wanting them to be there to pick up the pieces after him. Harry would never admit it, but he craved the devotion that he saw between his two friends and longed for another person to share that kind of bond with. Of course, he had Ginny and she stuck with him through more than her fair share of his issues but there was never a connection between the two of them. Ginny harbored a serious _crush_ on him during her youth, and Harry liked her well enough… but that was all. Did he love Ginny Weasley? Sure, but he also loved Hermione and there were times that Harry failed to understand how that _type_ of love differed between the two women.

Ginny gave Harry a good time. She was one his first drinking buddies after the War and she could keep up with him, which served as a more than adequate distraction from the turbulence that was stirring inside of him. Yes, they had _fun _and that was great for a 19 year old who found himself newly emancipated in the world. And of course his friends loved their relationship. Harry already considered himself a part of the Weasley family and, with Hermione now seriously with Ron and Harry with Ginny, their family unit seemed that much closer and complete.

But the good times quickly fell into drinking _too _much and Harry's darkness eventually began to surface. Though Ginny never left the relationship, she began to distance herself once she realized just how damaged Harry actually was. Ginny was unfailingly there for Harry – on his good days. But those days became progressively fewer and further between, and soon enough Ginny was deciding to finish up her schooling at Hogwarts after all and she was gone. Harry would go months without seeing her, and weeks between correspondences, and suddenly – she'd come back for a few days or a week, and they'd pick up where they left off. Harry would pull himself together and put on a good show for Ginny, and they'd descend into a few days' worth of heavy drinking and partying and before he knew it, she would be gone again.

That was their relationship for a year or two, and then, one night, Harry happened to stumble into Luna Lovegood's garden and _everything _changed.

Harry glanced down at his timepiece and growled when he saw that it was only 10 in the morning. There was still no sign of Luna and his patience was nearly gone. He gave one last glance at her door before squaring his shoulders and crossing over the lane to her gate. He stomped up her front path and pounded his fist against her door.

"Luna! Luna, open up! It's," Harry paused, his voice dropping down to just above a whisper. "It's Harry." He cleared his throat. "We need to speak." Harry waited a few moments, listening hard, and began pounding his fist against her door once more. His knocks became louder and more violent until her door was creaking and her windows shuddering in their panels. "Luna!" Harry shouted and felt his fragile hold on calm break away.

"Sir! Sir!" Harry rounded at the foreign voice and watched as an older man hurried up the path towards Harry. "She's not home!" The stranger looked up at Harry and studied his face for a moment before realization dawned. "Bless me soul. Mr. Potter." The two men stared at one another for a moment before Harry cleared his throat.

"Where is she then?"

The man stared at Harry with a confused look before shaking his head vigorously. "Oh, Luna. Yes, of course." He chuckled nervously and Harry felt his anger being to spark. "London, sir. She's been in London for the past few days and I suspect she'll be home this evening. I was just," the man paused and closed the distance between himself and Harry. He bent down and scooped up a few envelopes from Luna's porch. "I was just coming to collect her post. I'm her neighbor," he said, and motioned vaguely towards a distant hill where Harry could see a thin stream of smoke curl above the trees. "Luna asked me to collect her post as she'd be gone for a day or two."

Harry blinked at that and glanced down at the parchment in the man's hands. He offered his hand up. "I'll keep them. I'm waiting for her to return."

"But, Mr. Potter… She won't be home until well into the evening." The man tightened his grip on Luna's mail and frowned slightly at Harry.

"Yes, and I'll be here. Waiting. Now, her letters please, Mr…." Harry glanced at the man expectantly.

The man's frown deepened and he mumbled his name, too quietly for Harry to hear. Reluctantly, he handed the post to Harry and backed up slowly, glancing up at Harry once more. Harry shook his head and turned back to face Luna's front door, not bothering to see if her neighbor was walking away or still staring at Harry with a horrified expression. He didn't care.

_London_, he thought. Harry glanced down at his watch once more and saw that only ten minutes had elapsed since he last checked the time. So, he would wait for her. Harry slid down to Luna's stoop and leaned against her door jamb. He pulled his coat tighter around him and glanced down at the small bundle of envelopes. Most were posted from various business addresses around the country but one caught Harry's eye. The return address was from "_R. Scamander," _and the name made Harry frown. He knew it for some reason but couldn't place from where. Harry shrugged his shoulders slightly and placed the mail on the stoop beside him. He had bigger issues to think over than who was writing to Luna and why.

Harry stared at the trees in the distance, still unsure of what he would say to Luna if she'd hear him out. _That I'm sorry? _Harry sighed. The word "sorry" had come out of his mouth too many times for it to hold any real value anymore. Luna deserved better, as she always had. _Better than me. I'm a fucking arse,_ Harry thought darkly and he knew it was true. The entire reason he turned away from Luna in the first place was that he was afraid of what others would say if the two entered into a serious relationship. Luna had a reputation that Harry didn't think he could face day after day. But the minute he left her house those months ago, after essentially choosing Ginny, Harry had felt shattered. As though someone had repeatedly stabbed him in the gut.

He knew instantly that he made the wrong decision but his damned pride was kept him from begging for her to take him back, to choose him. A few days after their conversation, Harry broke things off with Ginny. She had been surprised but Harry suspected that Ginny always knew that he was not fully devoted to a relationship with her. In fact, their break up was a lot less traumatic than Harry would have guessed. Ginny silently accepted his decision and was gone again, back on tour with the Cannons. Truthfully, it was Ron who couldn't accept Harry's decision. At the thought of his best friend, Harry squeezed his eyes shut and pinched the bridge of his nose, willing all thoughts of Ron away. Harry could only stomach the thought of fixing one relationship right now and his issues with Ron would have to wait.

Harry leaned his head against the door and stared up at the sky. He decided that the only course of action was to ask for Luna to forgive him, and ask her to be his this time. There would be no one else for him… there _could _be no one else for him. Harry knew what losing Luna felt like and nothing had ever compared to that loneliness, that emptiness, before.

Harry closed his eyes…

ooOoOoo

Luna apparated a few feet away from her front gate and paused as she noticed the slumped figure on her step. Frowning, she pulled her wand from beneath her robes and extended it out, ready to curse whoever was lurking there. She quietly made her way towards her house, ignoring the growing unease as she approached the stranger. At one time in her life, Luna could approach anyone with ease but now…

She reached her step and glanced down, surprised and yet, not surprised at all to find that it was Harry Potter. He was fast asleep, his glasses knocked askew on his face and his cheek pressed up against the panel of her door. Luna frowned and debated contacting Hermione to come and collect her friend…. She didn't have the energy to deal with a drunken Harry tonight. Luna didn't have the energy to deal with any kind of Harry tonight, not after Hermione's impromptu visit a few days before.

"Harry, wake up," Luna said, loudly. She nudged the sleeping man with her foot and he jumped awake, staring up at her.

"Luna! You're here!" Harry slowly got to his feet, righting his glasses, and looked at her with a mixture of unease and happiness. Luna felt her heart begin pounding in her chest, the way it always did when she saw Harry's reaction to her.

"Yes, I am. This is my house, after all. Now, you're drunk and I'm going to contact Hermione to take you home. Just wait out-"

"Drunk? I'm not drunk. No, God, of course you'd think I was drunk," Harry muttered to himself. "No, Luna, I'm here to speak with you. I _need_ to speak with you."

Luna sighed and glanced at the small bundle of post in Harry's hands. She reached out and wordlessly took them from him, hoping that her actions would say that she simply didn't want to be around him. He wasn't welcome here anymore.

"I'm tired, Harry. I'm sorry. I've just returned from a business meeting in L-"

"London. Yes, I know," Harry said, eagerly. Luna glanced up at the tone of expectancy in Harry's voice and frowned once more. She could think of no reason why Harry would suddenly appear on her doorstep, _sober_, to speak with her… unless he was here to discuss what happened with Hermione. Harry stepped closer to Luna, filling the small distance between their bodies. Luna shivered tightly as she felt the heat radiating off of Harry's body. "I just… I needed to see you," he said, quietly.

Harry reached out and pushed a strand of hair behind her ear and Luna unwillingly closed her eyes. Harry's finger gently touched the side of her face before he pulled his hand away, and Luna opened her eyes, staring at him. Luna willed her eyes to focus. He _touched_ her and a million butterflies erupted inside of her stomach.

"Please," he whispered.


	13. Chapter 13

February 6, 2004

Luna opened her eyes and squinted against the bright, cheerful light that was streaming in through her windows. The small clock on her bedside table announced that it was only 7:20 in the morning. It felt later than that. Luna breathed in deeply and stared up at her ceiling, willing the details of her night to come rushing back to her so that she could figure out exactly how she ended up in this situation. _I s'pose this is what it feels like to be a drinker_, she mused to herself. Perhaps this disorientation was how Harry felt every morning that he woke up after drinking too much or too hard. The scramble to grasp the fleeting pictures of the night before, and the hunt to figure out who was spoken to and what was said. It was enough to make her feel nauseous and Luna couldn't even blame it on alcohol.

And suddenly, there they were: each excruciating detail and every single tedious moment. Luna recalled every word that Harry spoke to her, every damned glance and, if she put her mind to it, she believed that she could summon every single breath that he took that night.

It began innocently enough. Harry spent the entire day sitting on her stoop, waiting for her to arrive home and when she finally did, he followed her into home. He hid behind the guise of apologizing for Hermione's actions but Luna saw right through him. She never once believed that he spent nine hours in the February cold just so he could apologize for Hermione's stubbornness. Harry underestimated just how well Luna knew him. For those four long years, Luna made it her business to study Harry and to memorize everything about him. She knew his mannerisms and his moods like the back of her hand. Harry would make a face and Luna knew why, or he could pause during a conversation and Luna would be able to fill his silence with a surprisingly accurate guess at what he was thinking.

For four years, Luna existed on the belief that Harry would _never_ be hers and so, the memorization of his character was vital to her. She needed to know every intimate detail about him so that when he was finally gone, she could convince herself that what they shared was real.

But now…

Luna shook her head tightly and closed her eyes. She knew exactly when the night took the turn and it was when Harry decided to spend those long hours waiting for her. He had no guarantee or idea really of when she would return, or _if _she would return. Poor Mr. Williams was probably beside himself if Harry was truthful about their encounter. _I'll need to apologize to him for that_, Luna silently reminded herself. But Harry Potter's temper was no secret to the world.

Luna chuckled softly to herself and started when a low, sleepy moan sounded beside her. She clapped a hand over her mouth and dared to glance over at the sleeping man next to her. Harry looked so young whilst asleep, and the hard lines that he usually carried on his face were completely erased. He looked peaceful. Rested. Luna smiled to herself but quickly pushed her fleeting happiness away. She almost wished that they could say they were drunk and blame it on that, but things would never be that simple for her.

_This will all turn out badly_, Luna reminded herself harshly. And now, after last night, their relationship was infinitely more complicated. A happy ending did not exist for her and Harry – it simply was not in the cards for them. Harry would never admit it to her, and maybe not even to himself, but he was embarrassed by her. The world would always view her as Loony Lovegood, the eccentric daughter of mad Xenophilius Lovegood and editor of _The Quibbler_, the quack publication that would sooner discuss the healing properties of hippogriff talons than report "real" news. Luna did not doubt that Harry loved her deeply but he was far too concerned with what the world thought of him. And she was a fool for allowing him to treat her in such a way. _I'm a fool for many reasons_.

She sighed softly and turned on her side, facing Harry's sleeping form. Luna pulled the sheets up and around her naked form and shivered against the morning cold. She almost feared the moment that Harry awoke because she knew that a good chance existed of him remembering the previous night and being violently repulsed by it. Luna didn't know what she'd do if the first emotion that flew across Harry's eyes was regret. _But if he does regret it, perhaps it'll be easier_. Perhaps Luna would finally convince herself to hate Harry Potter for what he put her through. Merlin knew that had already she tried.

Harry's eyelids began to flutter and Luna braced herself for what might come next. Questions perhaps, or accusations. Harry's eyes remained shut but his left hand reached out for his glasses. Luna sucked in a tight breath and held it, waiting for him to open his eyes and see her. He placed his glasses on his face and glanced over at her. He was silent for a long moment as he studied her face.

"Luna," he said simply, and turned towards her, reaching for her. Luna let out her breath, horrified to hear how closely it resembled a sob. Harry's face fell and he pulled her to him. He propped himself up on his elbow and stared down at her, gently pushing the stray curls away from her face. Harry gazed down at her with such a look of affection that Luna felt her heart shatter – shatter in a completely new way. "What's wrong, love?" Harry bent down and placed a soft kiss on her collar-bone.

"I was so worried," Luna whispered. "I thought you'd wake up and see me and be horrified." Luna struggled to keep her thoughts in line as Harry began to place reverent kisses along the length of her neck and across her the top of her chest. He traced a lazy finger along the fabric that protected the rest of her body from his view.

"Why would I be horrified?" Harry continued his exploration of her exposed skin, and Luna felt goose bumps erupt everywhere.

"I thought that you'd see me and regret everything," Luna said. Harry lifted his head at her answer and stared down at her, his green eyes intense. He lifted a hand and gently placed it against her cheek, but pulled her face so that she had no choice but to return his stare.

"Listen to me," he said quietly. "I've spent every day wanting to touch you. I've spent every day wishing that I could tell you everything that I feel for you. Waking up and seeing you next to me fulfilled every single dream that I've had for the past four years. I will _never_ regret you, Luna." Harry ran his thumb gently over Luna's cheek and she blinked furiously at the tears that were threatening to collect.

"I don't know how this can end okay," Luna said. Harry bent down and kissed her cheek softly.

"Do you love me, Luna?" His voice sounded close to her ear and Luna inhaled sharply. His hand rested against her throat and Luna thought that her skin would burst into flames everywhere his fingers landed on her. He resumed his earlier path, and his lips began their descent towards her neck once more. "Do you love me?" He whispered his words against her skin and Luna shivered.

"You know that I do," she sighed.

He lifted his head and stared down at her. "Then we have nothing to worry about." Harry finally lowered his mouth to hers and Luna responded feverishly. She placed her hands on either side of his face and pulled him closer to her. Harry ripped away the sheet that protected Luna's body and pulled her fully to him, wrapping his arms around her waist. He broke their kiss momentarily and stared intently into her eyes, as if he were about to reveal something that would change everything.

"I love you," he said, and Luna nodded vigorously. Harry offered a soft kiss to her lips before smiling against her mouth. "I feel like I need to make up for all the time that we lost." Luna smiled softly to herself and pulled his face back to her.

_Maybe, _she thought. _Maybe I'll allow myself to forget that this won't work. _


	14. Chapter 14

May 2004

_Harry –_

_I'm doing my best not to meddle in your affairs. However, this is one piece of post that you should not ignore._

_I tried to talk McGonagall out of it. When she asked why, I didn't know how to respond._

_I'm sorry._

_-Hermione_

**Mr. Potter,**

**Although I am sure that Miss Granger has made it abundantly clear by now, I have been trying desperately to contact you. As you know, the Order of the Phoenix hosts biannual celebrations in honor and remembrance of the War and those who we lost. I realize that you are quite busy and so I have been attempting to remind you that, though unbelievable, another two years have gone by and it is time for the celebration to take place.**

**I am confident in my assumption that you would not miss this event unless under the most dire of circumstances. And, as Miss Granger has confirmed that you are able bodied and apparently well, I look forward to seeing you at the event. In the wake of your silence, I have taken it upon myself to confirm your RSVP with the Order, and to mark Miss Weasley as your companion to the function. I hope that I was correct in assuming that you would enjoy the sirloin as your dinner selection.**

**Sincerely,**

**M. McGonagall**


	15. Chapter 15

May 2004

"Hermione," Harry hissed through his teeth, and crumpled the letters in his hand. The woman in question glanced back at Harry from over her shoulder, rolled her eyes, and went back to preparing breakfast.

"Honestly, Harry. I'm not sure why it is such a _huge _deal. So, you'll take Ginny to the party, fill your yearly quota for being social, and then slink back to the hole in which you've been hiding." Harry winced, assuming that when Hermione said _hole_, she was being rude about Luna. Hermione turned then and looked at Harry, her expression softening. "For what it is worth, I am sorry. I did say that I tried to talk McGonagall out of answering for you… but she was so confused, so insistent to have an answer as to why Gin couldn't be your date." Hermione stepped towards Harry and placed a hand on his shoulder. Breakfast was forgotten for the moment.

"I don't want to make this about me but Harry… please see the situation that you've put me in. Should I have come out and told McGonagall why? That you and Ginny have broken up? God, Harry, no one seems to _know _and it has been months. I practically flew out of my skin when she told me what she'd done and there she sat, staring at me like I was completely insane." Hermione studied Harry's face for a moment.

Harry let out a pent-up sigh and placed his forehead against the dining table. He could feel the panic, the anxiety creeping up his neck in the form of a deep red and he willed his heart to stop hammering. "No, you were right in not saying anything," he finally answered.

Hermione returned to her breakfast. Apart from the snapping of cooking potatoes, the small kitchen was silent. Harry could feel the tension rolling off of Hermione like small waves but could not bring himself to address it. No, he was fighting off his own panic attack.

"I just don't understand why you're hiding this. Obviously Ginny knows that the two of you have broken up… maybe she's at a loss for a reason why, but she knows that it is over and she is doing her best at moving forward. Arthur and Molly and the rest of the family know that it is over too. And Ron and I both know, and we know the reason why." Once more, Hermione turned to Harry. "All of your family knows and look, we still love you."

Harry barked out a laugh at his.

"What? We do!" Hermione snapped, color flooding into her cheeks. "Maybe the vast majority of us don't quite get it. But then again, you haven't done a very good job at letting us try to understand, Harry Potter. I know I've been mean to Luna in the past-"

"Mean? You were a right bully!"

"If I was a bully, so were you! Do not pretend to be so innocent in this. I was unkind, yes. But the moment you finally owned up to having feelings for her, I changed my course. But you!" Hermione stepped towards Harry and jabbed a finger into his shoulder, hard. "You have not let _anyone _in. For years you and Ginny were a couple, and a seemingly happy couple at that. And then, one day, you up and decide that your relationship with her isn't up to par-" Hermione raised her voice as Harry opened his mouth to defend himself. "No! You will listen to me!" Harry snapped his mouth closed.

"No one understood why, least of all Ginny! I tried to understand and I know that I went too far that night but God, Harry. I am only human. But you know what? We moved on from the shock and continued to love you in spite of it. I have seen you at your highest and your lowest, and I would have thought that you'd give me the credit to stick by you in this. And the kicker of it all? I can't even wrap my mind around why you're keeping Luna a secret!"

At that, Hermione whirled back around to her potatoes which were undeniably burning. With a flourish of her wand, the range snapped off and the frying pan divided two perfectly symmetrical helpings on to the plates waiting on the countertop. The pan deposited itself into the sink, and Hermione carried the plates to the table. Dropping a helping in front of Harry, Hermione sank into the chair across from him. Harry finally pulled himself up from the table and stared vacantly at his breakfast. The thought of eating nauseated him.

Harry glanced up at his friend and watched her push the potatoes around her plate with a fork. Harry noticed that the hand Hermione used to clutch the fork was turning white around the knuckles. She was right – at least he could admit that to himself. At the very least, Harry owed Hermione an explanation.

"I'm…" He began and stopped, trying to understand how to formulate the words that were whirring about in his head. Hermione stopped her pursuit of the food, set her fork on the plate, and folded her hands on her lap. She stared at him with an intensity that he had not felt in months. She was not going to let him get away without coming clean.

"I'm embarrassed, okay? Christ _fucking _Jesus, you just had to make me say it!" Harry snapped. Hermione's eyes went wide as saucers for a fraction of a second before anger flooded into her cheeks.

"I didn't make you say a single damn thing, Harry. If that's the truth, that is the truth. But don't you go blaming me for it," she retorted through clenched teeth.

Harry ran his fingers frantically through his hair, tugging on the ends so that they shot straight out of his head at wild angles. _Calm the fuck down_, he demanded of himself. Harry looked back at Hermione. _This is one of your oldest mates. Just tell her the truth_, he coached.

"I'm… I'm sorry, okay. Look, everyone loved the idea of Ginny and I together. '_The Boy Who Lived and the very talented young Quidditch player._' It helped that her family practically raised me and that her brother and his fiancée were my best mates. Our relationship just fit. It just made sense. The press loved us. And for once in my life, I could enjoy being in the center of the attention because I was there being celebrated… not persecuted. I don't need to tell you this because you know it, Hermione. Ginny and I just made sense. But Luna?" Harry barked out a laugh. "Even I still cringe when she mentions _The Quibbler_. Can you imagine the field day that the _Prophet _would have if they caught wind of who I was with? They'd think that I'd finally lost it. I'm not stupid, Hermione. Maybe they were worshipping me in the press for my heroics during the War but I know they caught wind of my drinking. But they still portrayed me as a war hero. For them, Luna would be the straw that broke the camel's back and make people realize that Harry Potter has finally lost his fucking mind."

Hermione studied her friend for a moment, her eyes narrowing as her gaze roamed over Harry's face. "You do realize what an absolute ass you sound like when you say that, right?" Harry balked and began to stammer. Hermione simply held up a hand and Harry fell silent. "If I am understanding you correctly, you are saying that you're too embarrassed of who Luna is-"

"No, not who Luna is. Just wha-"

"Don't try to pin your embarrassment on Xenophilius or on _The Quibbler_. Because make no mistakes there, Harry Potter, both her father and that publication have played enormous roles in shaping the woman who you claim to be in love with," Hermione said.

"It isn't a claim. I am in love with her," Harry muttered.

"Then I suggest that you grant her the respect that she is due as the woman _whom you love_ and not treat her as some dirty little secret. Merlin's beard, Harry, can you just open your ears and listen to how you sound? I'm half tempted to get you in contact with Rita Skeeter because you'll need one like-minded person to commiserate with after Luna discovers that you're too concerned about your reputation to own up to your relationship with her." Harry winced. "When did you become so shallow? You're sitting across the table from me and I can't even recognize the person who you've become. The Harry I knew would say screw the press. The Harry I knew took Luna Lovegood to the Slug Club and didn't give a damn as to what anyone else thought." Hermione pushed her chair away from the table and stood. She collected Harry's untouched plate and dumped the contents into the bin.

"I think it is time you go. I am feeling disgusted by this conversation and by the very sight of you," Hermione said. "I hope that something I said sank into that thick skull of yours this morning and if nothing has, I suggest you listen to me on this point. We love you, Harry. I know that you'd sooner roll your eyes than believe me but it is the truth. And if you'd give us – your family – the credit and Luna the chance, I believe we'd all come to understand why you love her so much. But until that day comes, I can't stomach the sight of you. You've lost your courage, Harry Potter, and all over something as fleeting as a reputation."

Harry stared at Hermione in shock. "So, that's it then?" Hermione simply nodded her response and Harry jumped up from the table, suddenly angry. "Fine, then. I'll see you at the party. Don't feel the need to make false conversation with me there." Harry stomped his way through Hermione and Ron's home and as soon as he reached the front door, he heard Hermione's voice call out.

"Harry? You needn't worry about fake conversation with me. There's only one person in this house who is obsessed with his reputation, and it isn't me. I'm not concerned with keeping up false appearances. Oh, and Harry? One last thing. I'm not sure which tabloids you've been reading about yourself but maybe you should open your eyes. The press doesn't worship you. You may be a war hero, but you're a fallen one indeed. If anything, they take delight in reporting your drunken romps through the town. Don't forget to close the door behind you."

A dull buzz filled Harry's ears and his vision blurred momentarily. He glanced back towards the kitchen and could barely make out the shape of Hermione's back, which was turned toward him. The sudden onset of anger and rage clouded his vision and put a light sheen of read over top of everything that he looked at. Harry stepped out from Hermione and Ron's house, and slammed the door behind him.

_Shake it off, Potter. Shake it off. She doesn't fucking understand. _Harry took several deep breaths in through his nose and once more found himself willing his heartbeat to slow. If he didn't have to return to Luna, Harry was sure that his feet would carry him to the closest bar to get rip-roaring drunk despite the fact that it was merely 9:30 in the morning.

_Get a plan, Harry. Get a plan_, he prompted himself. No, Harry wouldn't get drunk this morning. But he would walk back to Luna's home – no matter how long it took him to get there. Harry glanced down at the letters clutched in his hand and smoothed them out, studying McGonagall's missive once more.

"I'll go to the party, with Gin. And once that's over, I'll work on bringing Luna out into society with me," Harry muttered to himself and then instantly winced. What kind of asshole had he become? Society? Harry shook his head violently. "One more function and then I'll come clean." Harry rounded his shoulders and bounded off of the front stoop, headed in the direction of Luna's home. He knew what he was going to do, but he still needed the walk to figure out how to address Luna.


	16. Chapter 16

May 2004

Luna glanced at the carnage surrounding her and smiled contentedly. In the few short hours since Harry left for Hermione and Ron's home, Luna had made outstanding progress in de-weeding her garden. Piles and piles of flowering weeds and grassy weeds sat around the small lot with their exposed, foot long roots and every so often, Luna either spied or heard the high pitched squeals of a garden gnome escaping the purge. From behind her, Luna heard the backdoor to her home open and close, and from over her shoulder she watched Harry approach her. She smiled happily to herself – would she ever tire of Harry coming back to her and her home? Luna did not think so.

"Just the man I was hoping to see," Luna called out, turning back to the last of the weeds in front of her. She took a strong grip around the base of the plant and pulled, yanking the roots from the depths of her yard. Harry sat on a small stone bench at the base of an apple tree and watched Luna at her work. Despite the worry floating around in his head, Harry could not help but become enraptured as he studied Luna at her task.

Her long hair hung in a heavy, blonde braid over her shoulder and Harry watched as a small trickle of sweat made its way down Luna's back, between her shoulder blades. She wore a yellow dress that hung to her ankles but exposed her back, and the fabric _just _hinted at being sheer. Harry could make out her shape beneath the dress and imagined that, if he stepped just behind her and inhaled deeply, he would be surrounded by the scent of wildflowers that mingled with a fragrance that could only be described as Luna. The smell intoxicated him and Harry had to close his eyes, forcing himself back to the task at hand.

"You'd save yourself a lot of time if you'd just put a spell on the garden. I told you that Molly had Ron and I de-weed her garden every spring. Just a simple flick of the wrist and we'd be grand until next the next season," Harry suggested, leaning back against the tree. Luna stood and wiped at the sweat above her brow.

"Perhaps that may be true, but where would be the sense of accomplishment?" Luna remarked, turning towards Harry. He smiled at her.

"I knew you'd say that," he said, and extended a hand towards her, beckoning her to come close. Luna crossed the small yard, reaching Harry, and smiled as he patted the empty bench next to him. Instead of sitting, Luna pulled her dress to her knees and climbed onto Harry's lap, straddling him so that their faces were just touching. Luna folded her hands around the back of Harry's neck and smiled as she felt his breathing hitch ever so slightly.

"Then why'd you suggest it to me, if I may ask?" she said, and ducked her head down to place a feather light kiss along the side of Harry's jaw. Harry's hands came up and ran the length of Luna's legs, disappearing with her thighs as they ran up and under her dress. His hands stopped their trail and settled on Luna's hips. Harry closed his eyes and leaned his head back against the bark of the tree, relishing the simplicity in the exchange, the feel of Luna's weight on him, and the freedom that he felt in her presence.

"Mmm, just to hear the sound of your voice," he whispered. He opened his eyes and looked at Luna, catching her in the act of studying his face. "I've found that I like knowing how you'll respond to me. It makes this all seem so… real." Harry pulled his head up and kissed Luna's exposed shoulder.

"This is real, Harry. You act as though I'm some mirage that'll disappear the moment you get too close."

"Sometimes it feels that way. Like I'll wake up in the middle of the night, in my flat, and you won't be there and I'll realize that this never happened," Harry whispered. Luna frowned lightly before lowering her head and meeting Harry's lips. Harry's hold on Luna's hips tightened and he felt her move marginally closer, against him. Harry opened his mouth to deepen the kiss but Luna pulled back, smiling shyly.

"That didn't feel fake now, did it?" she said softly before pulling herself away from Harry's lap. Her dress once more fell to the tops of her feet and Harry found himself mourning the loss of her exposed legs. "Enough playing around," Luna chided and tugged at Harry's arm until he stood. "I wasn't just flirting when I said that I was happy to see you. I need to put you to work." Luna motioned to the piles of discarded weeds littering the lot and laughed at Harry's groan. "It'll go twice as fast if you help me and we'll be inside in no time… on to… _other _activities." Harry glanced down at her and raised his eyebrows.

"Is that a promise?" At Luna's demure nod, Harry squared his shoulders and set to work.

Nearly forty-five minutes later, Harry looked around the yard and feared that they would never be finished.

"Christ, woman, how long have you been at this?" Harry muttered, hauling another armful of weeds up and over his shoulder. He stared longingly at the compost pile at the opposite side of the yard and his hand itched for his wand. But Luna had insisted – no magic would go into her garden - just nature.

"Oh, just since you left this morning for Hermione's. How is she by the way?" Luna called. Harry sighed and dropped his workload, taking a momentary reprieve from the labor. Harry replayed the uncomfortable conversation in his head for the umpteenth time that morning and felt this neck burn with shame at the way he treated Luna. Worst of all, he'd done so behind her back and she had no reason to suspect what horrible things he had actually said about her.

In the wake of his silence, Luna turned her attention away from the small patch of watermelons and glanced back at Harry. _Harry Potter is many things, but he will never be able to hide his emotions, _Luna thought. Whatever he was warring with was flitting across his face and Luna suspected that he had no idea how transparent he was being. Luna turned back to her fruits, letting Harry work out whatever was playing in his head.

"She's fine. Ron's fine," Harry said bitterly. Harry shifted his focus away from the horrible exchange that morning and watched Luna as she worked. _I'm fucked up in the head_, he thought angrily to himself. And, just as that very thought formulated in his head, Harry noticed an owl sweep down and fly through Luna's open kitchen window. He frowned lightly to himself and muttered, "Post's here. I'll be back." Luna glanced back at him and nodded lightly, before returning to her task.

Inside the dark kitchen, Harry relished the respite from the sun that was surely turning his skin an angry red color. The post owl twittered confidently at him and held out its leg, where the small tip bag was secured. "Yeah, yeah, piss off," Harry mumbled and dropped at few knuts into the owl's purse. The owl screeched accusingly at Harry before taking off through the window it had entered at. "You've taken all the money I've had on me. What'd you want!" Harry yelled after the bird, and looked down at the small stack of letters on Luna's countertop.

Most of the letters were inquiries from different contributing writers to _The Quibbler_, as well as more than a few letters to the editor. Harry was ashamed to feel the same old embarrassment that plagued him regarding Luna creep back into his mind. _She's turned it around, _Harry lectured himself. _It isn't what it once was_. Harry muttered mindlessly to himself as he inspected each piece of mail regarding _The Quibbler _and winced when he saw a small script on one of the envelopes that read, "Re: _Onions as a Natural Dementor Repellent, _June edition, Volume 3." Harry fought to ignore the nagging voice in his head that pointed out meanly, _"Not so different from Xenophilius as you want to think." _

Underneath the stack of letters addressed to Luna, Harry was surprised to find a small envelope addressed to himself, and even more surprised when he recognized Ginny's hurried scrawl across the envelope. Harry quickly tossed the other inquires aside and glanced out of the window, ensuring himself that Luna was still busy in her garden – she was. Harry looked back down at the envelope, crumpling it slightly in his grip as he debated over tossing it out and pretending that it never arrived. _How'd she know to find me at Luna's? _Harry asked himself.

Harry –

I know that things kind of left off on an uncomfortable note the last time that we spoke and I said some unkind things. Well, I'm sorry for that and I'm sorry for interrupting the quiet that you seemed to crave so desperately.

It would seem as though we can no longer go on ignoring one another. I've just arrived back from a tour abroad only to be told by Hermione that McGonagall took it upon herself to say that we would accompany each other to this year's Order party. As confused as I am (because what happened to you agreeing to break the news to everyone?), it would seem as though we've run out of time to alter the accommodations without creating a scene. Let's spare ourselves the awkwardness and just get through the night, eh?

We can be polite with one another as we've been at the family functions that we've both attended since we split. It might be fun even. Let's meet at the venue at 7:30 the night of the party (which is Saturday – don't forget it). I'll be wearing silver – you can match your dress robes accordingly.

-Ginny

P.S. – Why did Hermione say that the best place to reach you via owl was at Luna's?

"Did anything interesting come?" Luna asked softly, causing Harry to nearly jump out of his skin. He crumpled Ginny's note in his hand and, panicking to find a good hiding place, threw it behind a set of jars in which Luna kept various spell ingredients. _I'll get that back later_, he promised himself.

"Oh, er, no. Nothing important really. Just some _Quibbler _things," he said, turning to Luna and offering the stack of letters to her. "Really, Luna? Onions as a Dementor repellent?" Harry snorted as he brushed past her, running his hands over his face and hoping to God that she couldn't see the blind panic that was on his face. "Thought you'd stopped running rubbish like that." Harry turned to face Luna, who was holding the letters tightly in her hands.

"It isn't rubbish, Harry. That's an old witches' tale that has been passed down throughout the centuries. Any _respectable _member of the wizarding community would know that but I'm sorry that it seems so ridiculous to you," she responded. Her voice was quiet and Harry knew that he had offended her. He squeezed his eyes shut and let out a sigh.

"God, yeah, you're right. I'm sorry, Luna. I'm a fucking arse and I don't know why I say such horrible things sometimes."

Luna watched Harry a moment before frowning at the letters in her hands. With an almost apologetic air, Luna smoothed the envelopes out before setting them down on the counter. "Something's wrong, Harry. It is written all over your face. I've given you a chance to tell me without prying but as you've just taken a turn for the mean, I'm asking that you tell me now so I can understand where this is coming from." Luna leaned back against the counter top and crossed her arms over her chest. Harry tried not to become distracted by what the motion did to her chest.

Harry sucked in a deep breath and let it all out in one huff, and began to study his hands. _It is now or never – just spit it out_, he goaded himself. "You're right, Luna," he began, looking back at her. "I'm tired and I'm stressed out. There's a War celebration that I have to be at in a few days and I'm not feeling up to being social." _That's it, _he thought. Luna smiled lightly and crossed over to him. Harry opened his arms and she nestled onto his lap, kissing his temple lightly.

"If you're not feeling up to it, then just politely decline," Luna said, as she ran her fingers over Harry's arms. He shook his head.

"It is too late for that. The, ah, the hostess took it upon herself to mark me down as attending without confirming with me ahead of time."

"Well, I'll come with you then. Usually those functions allow you to bring a date, right? I just found a lovely blue gown in London that I'd planned to wear to the party-"

"No," Harry barked. Luna jumped lightly in his arms and peered at him curiously. "No," he repeated himself, more calmly. "I wouldn't want to subject you to that. I know you're more comfortable at home."

"Harry, it really isn't anything. I had the dress in mind for the other occasion but I don't mind… and I actually think it'd be fun. We spend so much time holed up here anyway… maybe an impromptu evening out would be a nice change of pace," Luna suggested. She felt Harry tense under her fingers and gasped lightly as he pushed her out of his lap and jumped up. Harry began a furious pace across the length of the kitchen.

"No, Luna. Fucking Christ, just – no. I'm not interested in parading you about in front of the press so that everyone can scrutinize everything about us, okay? I'm just not interested in that. And besides," he said, turning on her accusingly. "You made me think that you enjoyed our time here – alone. You've never been a woman who wants all the attention turned towards her so why start now? Our relationship needs to be kept private. _Private_, okay? I won't have our personal lives being picked apart by blood thirsty leeches like Skeeter."

Luna stared at Harry in shock and willed the tears that suddenly sprang in her eyes to disappear. She drew in several breaths and prayed for a calm to settle over her – and Harry. "I do enjoy our time together," she began, timidly. "I didn't realize how… nervous you were about appearing in public. If you'd rather I just stay back and let you go by yourself, fine. I was only trying to be a source of comfort to you."

Harry watched Luna as she delivered her answer, and felt a dull throbbing at the back of his skull. He _was _a fucking asshole, and the spineless creature that Hermione hinted at earlier. But he'd rather break Luna's heart now than admit what he was actually feeling – and what he was actually afraid of… which was… what? He had not the slightest idea other than he was afraid that he would be made a mockery of due to his choice in partner. That was it, wasn't it? _You're so fucking afraid that some writer will make you second guess your choice in woman. Grow a pair, Potter_, he thought.

Harry sighed, removed his glasses, and ran a hand over his eyes. The throbbing began to crescendo until all he could hear was the blood pumping violently through his brain and Luna's soft breathing in the background. _This is the last time I'll hide and after that – I'm coming clean_, he promised himself and promised to Luna, though she could not hear it. Harry replaced his glasses and crossed the room to Luna, pulling her into his arms. He buried his nose into her hair and inhaled deeply.

"I'm sorry," he whispered. "I'm trying to figure out this new life. Just give me this one night alone, okay? After that, we'll start fresh." He pressed a kiss into Luna's hair as he felt her nod her consent. "Now," Harry said, pulling back to look down at Luna. "I need to run to London for the day to pick up some dress robes for the event. I'll be back but probably not until late this evening. You don't have to wait up for me." Harry dropped a quick kiss on Luna's lips and turned, leaving the house.

Luna waited until her heard the distinct pop in her yard before letting out the breath that she had been holding. She closed her eyes and attempted to calm her quickly fraying nerves. _He's just trying to learn how to navigate this new life, _Luna repeated Harry's words and then reminded herself – _at least he hasn't begun drinking again_.

"So, he needs his space for this one event," Luna said to herself, attempting to inject her normal cheer into her words. "He'll get the stage fright out of his system and we'll be squared up to go to the Order party together this coming weekend." Luna crossed to the jars that held her spell ingredients and attempted to remember the spell that Harry taught her for preventing weeds from springing up. Luna smiled as she spied the crumpled parchment hidden behind the jars and chuckled lightly. _Harry _does _love you_, Luna thought, and began to smooth down what she assumed was the de-weeding spell Harry swore by.

But as soon as her eyes skated over the top of the parchment, Luna felt as though all of the blood had drained from her head and was quite confident that the floor had slipped out from beneath her feet.

"_Harry -…"_


	17. Chapter 17

May 2004

Luna lost track of time.

What had begun as a roaring fire had consumed itself until all that was left were glowing embers, and she had no idea how much time had elapsed for that to occur. She was aware of the dull ticking from the grandfather clock that counted the seconds, minutes, and eventually hours away but all that Luna could focus on was a the freckle on the cheek of her mother in the painting above the mantle and the feeling of Ginny's letter to Harry between her fingertips. In the hours since Harry departed for London, Luna had barely moved – her eyes stayed trained on that spot and her thumb was keenly aware of the weight of the parchment upon which it rested.

If asked, Luna would tell the inquirer that she was not waiting for Harry. No, in fact, she would much prefer that he not return to her home at all so that she could carry on in this suspended state of anguish for an indeterminate amount of time. For the minute that he stepped through the threshold, the spell would be broken and Luna would be forced to face what had happened. _No,_ Luna thought idly. _What Harry had done to her_.

The very moments following her discovery of Ginny Weasley's note had been filled with a blinding panic. Luna swore that she felt every single and individual red blood cell swim from her head and leave her swaying on her feet. Her center of gravity seemed to float away from her and if she had not been leaning against the counter top at the moment of her discovery, she would have slid to the floor as though her bones had been hexed away. Her steady, strong heart betrayed her and begun thrashing violently about in her chest. Each pump sent agony through her body and through the haze of her instant misery, Luna had a brief second of intense clarity in which she pondered if she was having a heart attack.

But too soon, the adrenaline high subsided and Luna was left with the gut-wrenching reality that Harry had betrayed her. There was no proof that he had gone so far as to cheat on her and Luna was vaguely aware that the logical side of her mind (and heart?) believed that Harry hadn't gone that far. But Luna thought that a betrayal involving sex or even emotions would have been easier to bear than what Harry had done to her. If it was sex or another woman, Luna could have pinned the blame on an overly active sex drive or the lack of sexual chemistry in her and Harry's shared bedroom – oh, well – nothing can be done when two are simply not compatible. The blame could be attributed to Harry's own weakness and shortcomings and Luna would walk away free and pure from the rubble.

Unfortunately, Ginny's letter was proof and currently, the only anchor that Luna had in the storm swirling about her. Ginny was not at fault here – that much was abundantly clear and perhaps, like Luna, she too was a victim. (Luna thought to herself, _Is victim too strong of a word?_) Ginny was confused as to why Harry had not announced to their extended social network that their relationship had broken up. That had been part of their agreement upon the dissolution of their union and Harry had not followed through. In fact, he willfully allowed prominent figures in his life – and Luna's life for that matter – continue to believe that he and Ginny were destined to be married.

When that factoid burrowed itself into Luna's brain, she felt its presence as swiftly as a punch to the gut.

Ginny's letter then went on to discuss arrangements for meeting and attending the Order of the Phoenix party that coming Saturday together. Together. Because McGonagall had assumed that they were still _engaged _and that it would make perfect sense and be completely satisfactory to assume that their attendance would be together… for a one Mr. Harry James Potter had failed to tell apparently anyone that he had discontinued their relationship months ago. As Luna digested this particular piece of Ginny's missive, the reality dawned on her that Harry had lied once more. The event that had sparked their earlier argument (_Was it even that? _Luna pondered) was none other than the party that Luna mistakenly assumed that she would be attending with Harry. And, like a fool, Luna had traipsed off to London with the silly notion of adorning herself with a new gown with the sole intention of delighting Harry.

Luna's cheeks burned with shame as she remembered staring at herself, in her new gown, in the shop's mirror and admiring the reflection as though Harry were staring at her, and not herself. Luna had felt beautiful and sexy, and she hurriedly wiped away the errant tear that escaped her lids.

And as her humiliation seemingly had no end, Luna realized that Harry had not considered that Luna Lovegood would even warrant her own invitation to McGonagall's prestigious gala. At that thought, the keen lack of adrenaline was replaced by burning rage. Luna could feel the electricity and magic mingle with one another in her blood, and burn out from the tips of her fingers, like constant static electricity being deposited despite no contact with another object. Luna struck a path through her house and paced – kitchen to living room and living room to kitchen – and began the excruciating process of dissecting every single moment that she had shared with Harry. To figure out exactly where she had gone wrong, why she viewed their relationship differently than he, and how she could have possibly convinced him that she was undeserving of his love and respect.

Luna only stopped her vigorous march when her calf muscles screamed for her to give rest and that's when she sank to her current position - onto her father's old couch, in the middle of her familiar family room, in the heart of her beloved childhood home. _The home that you invited _him_ into and fell in love with him in_, Luna said and sucked in a shuddering gasp as another solitary tear ran down her cheek. She swatted at the moisture as though it was burning through her skin like acid. "You've had two tears and that'll be it," Luna reasoned with herself.

Now, hours later, Luna only moved to draw in a breath and to close her eyes when she began to replay the afternoon in her mind. She was angry with herself over wasting so much time in self-misery and for the fact that she had no plan to show for her time spent alone. Luna spared a glance to the grandfather clock and found a numb shock of surprise that it was already nearing three in the morning. Luna blinked at the feeling of numbness and drew its familiarity back to her. She imagined wrapping her old friend, this old feeling, around her like a well-loved cape and took comfort in its protection around her shoulders. Luna had allowed herself to step away from the numbing distance since her time at Hogwarts and felt a bit sad to realize that she had been a fool for it.

Numbness had been how she had survived Hogwarts.  
>And survived the War.<br>And survived losing her father to the madness.  
>And survived Harry's engagement to Ginny.<br>And _this _will be how she survives this new chapter of her life…  
>…without Harry.<p>

Luna's pulse fluttered under her skin as she heard the tell-tale signs of Harry's return in garden to the south of her house. As if she were an automaton, Luna crumpled Ginny's note until it was a tiny, tight ball protected by the bone crushing hold of her fist. Harry stepped through the threshold of the small room and jumped ever so slightly as he noticed Luna's form in the dark.

"Luna," he whispered. "It's late, love. Come to bed with me."

Luna swore she felt another crack under her chest but squared her shoulders anyway, forcing herself to keep her eyes _away_ from Harry's face and centered on her mother's portrait. "I've a headache. I'll come up after you," she said mechanically. Harry nodded his head once and shoved his hands deep into his pockets, studying Luna's face for a moment before moving to the staircase.

"I'll be waiting for you," he said quietly before moving up the staircase.


	18. Chapter 18

May 2004

Luna was jarred awake by a shooting pain which radiated from her balled fist and up her arm. Blinking, she looked around her. The early morning sun was just beginning to peak its first rays through the windows and her fire had consumed itself so that all that remained were a few crumbling logs and a mound of ashes. Opening and flexing her fisted hand, Luna found the remains of Ginny's wadded letter which she had almost – _almost – _forgotten during the few hours of dream-filled sleep that she sunk into unwillingly.

Her dreams were filled with Harry's face which was unsurprising but at the same time horrifying – Luna could not understand why her heart would not cooperate with her mind in this and become a united front. Anger at Harry was what she needed and yet, all Luna could muster up was a bone deep sadness that sang throughout her body. Luna realized that she had come to imagine her life with Harry as though they were a solid, steady plank of wood and that his betrayal had severed them, messily, down the center of the plank. The two pieces of wood were separated, with violent and angry shards reaching out towards the other half but no matter how Luna puzzled over herself and Harry, she simply could not fit the halves back together as they once were.

From somewhere deep inside of her, a small voice that sounded eerily like her father, suggested that Luna swallow her silly pride and confront Harry about the letter. _Give the boy a chance, my love,_ Luna imagined Xenophilius consoling her. _He's seen darkness his entire life and now that he has his light, he doesn't know what to do with it. Be patient with him. He needs you. _Luna groaned to herself and shut her eyes, willing the ghost of her father to float away and leave her be.

"I'm tired of being patient and kind," Luna whispered to herself. "I just want the chance to be angry and spiteful… like everyone else." Luna stood and moved to the staircase, climbing the levels until she reached their – no, _her_ – bedroom door. From the inside, she could hear the sounds of Harry's light breathing and Luna squared her shoulders and stepped through the door.

Harry was tangled up in the sheets and Luna had to stop herself from reaching out and removing his glasses, which were cocked askew on the end of his nose. Like this, Luna could not marry the Harry that she knew intimately with the betrayer ousted by Ginny's letter. _Let him explain himself, darling, _Xenophilius' voice whispered into Luna's ear. _Don't let this black anger ruin what needn't be damaged. _Luna winced and felt her resolve begin to soften. Whatever resided in her inner core was correct and although Luna tried to hold onto her fury, she felt it begin to slip away from her… as though she had a dozen balloons tied to her wrist and one by one, their ties were snipped and she was free.

Luna sat on the edge of the bed and watched Harry, willing him to wake from sleep. She'd give him the chance to be honest with her by his own choosing, and if he decided to take that path, she would forgive him. Luna glanced up at the small desk calendar that sat at her night side table. There were only four days until the Order's party. Surely Harry wouldn't keep something like that from her for so long. The couple all but lived together and Luna believed they understood each other on a fundamental level. Harry could all but sneeze incorrectly and Luna would simply _know _that something was off.

Yes, she'd give him his chance.


	19. Chapter 19

June 2004

Harry considered his reflection in this mirror and thought that he was very near to becoming sick. He felt like a child stuffed into stiff clothing who wanted nothing more than to rip them away and run outside to play. But of course Harry had never been forced into nice clothing at any point during his childhood and smiled to himself darkly at the thought of Petunia Dursley forcing him into a muggle suit. The thought was too ridiculous to even merit any weight and for the first time in a long while, Harry was reminded of his fucked up childhood for a fleeting second.

Though the washroom was several doors down the hall, Harry could smell the scent of the fizzy bath soak Luna was laying in from where he stood, and he felt his gut bottom out. The days following his outburst about the mysterious "event" grew more horrible with each passing moment. At first, Luna was her normal self but as the days ticked away, Harry felt her withdrawing from him and pulling away. The growing realization that Luna was distancing herself from Harry planted a seed of panic that continued to grow rapidly, and whose tendrils wrapped their deadly vines around every single part of his inner working.

Harry tried to convince himself that the distance he felt from Luna was a direct consequence of the guilt that he was feeling over lying to her about the party. That Luna's reaction to him hadn't actually changed and he was projecting his own wrong doing into their day to day interactions. But from somewhere deep inside of Harry, a small voice hinted that something _was_ wrong. Harry could try to sell the lie that everything was fine to himself in a sad attempt to stay just on this side of sanity… but the signs where there and Harry could not willfully ignore them anymore.

Harry realized that something shifted two days ago.

Luna had been fiddling in her herb patch, testing out some concoction that was supposed to make her mint bush more fragrant. Harry had been moving those bloody weed piles about, piling them high on the compost pile. He would be the first person to admit that his temper was running hot that day – the sun was beating down on his back relentlessly and he _itched _to use magic to get the chore done. Harry glanced over towards her and wiped the sweat trickling down the side of his face with the back of his hand.

"Luna," he called out and waited for her to answer as he surveyed the garden. Luna gave no indication that she heard him. "Luna," Harry repeated himself, but more loudly this time. "Let's take a break. It's getting too hot out here." Harry made his way towards her, now hunched over her rosemary, and frowned. "Hey," he said softly, nudging her ankle with his foot. "Did you hear me?"

"Yes, Harry, of course I heard you," Luna replied. Harry's eyebrows shot up when he realized that her words were sharp. "We're the only two people in this garden and it is a small yard, if you hadn't noticed." Harry blinked at Luna's back, which was still facing him. Never in all the years that he had known Luna did Harry recall her snapping a response unprovoked. "Of _course_ I heard you," Luna muttered under her breath.

"Er, alright then," Harry said, clearing his throat. He could feel heat creeping up his neck and the first grip of panic over swept over him. _There's no way she knows_, he lied to himself. _Just bloody calm down. _"I'll just be inside then." Harry waited a beat for Luna to respond but after a moment of silence, he turned and left.

Luna's silence continued until now and Harry felt strangled by it. If the pointed cold shoulder wasn't agonizing enough, Luna also withdrew from his touches. As she cooked, Harry came up behind her and rested his hands against her hips, and tucked his face into the crook of her neck. Rather folding into his embrace, Harry was met with a stiffened spine and a woman who was all too eager to wiggle away from him. The sense of rejection all but crushed him and he thought he'd go mad when the voices began to taunt him, singing, _she knows. She knows. She knows. _

Harry could not pin down the exact moment when the shift took place – only that he had a keen sense of a before and after. At first, she was a bit taken back from his angry outburst but she remained his Luna nonetheless. But now it was radio silence. Harry could not shake the thought that they were in the final hour.

There was one conversation that kept playing over and over in his head and, months from now, Harry would look back at this very memory and simply know this is where the crossroads occurred.

The night following the argument, Luna and Harry were in bed. They stopped talking long ago and just lie, listening to the sound of the other breathing and hoping for sleep to come. Suddenly, Luna turned up on her side and faced Harry. Although the darkness of the night shielded her features from him, Harry could easily imagine her big, blue eyes staring at him intently.

"Harry," she began softly and paused, as if unsure of how to proceed. Harry glanced in her general direction and raised a hand towards her form. His clumsy fingers hit her neck first and then glided up, caressing the side of her face gently.

"Yes," he said.

"Harry. Our relationship. What does our relationship mean to you?"

Harry frowned into the dark and ran the back of his fingers down through Luna's hair. "What do you mean?" he asked.

"I just… Does it ever feel to you as though we started off on the wrong way?"

"No, I don't feel that way. Which way should we have started off on?"

"Oh, I don't know." Harry heard her sigh. "Perhaps we should have taken more time to reacquaint ourselves with one another. We went months without speaking and then suddenly, we were together."

"Luna, if I had to wait any longer to be with you…" Harry paused and Luna ducked her head down, placing a soft kiss along his first two knuckles. "I think I would have died."

"So, this – what we have between the two of us – it's-"

"As essential to me as breathing is," Harry interjected. He paused, giving time to Luna if she needed to respond but at her silence, he continued. "You're the best part of me, Luna. I… I don't think I need to explain everything that I've been through. You know. Hell, you were there for a big part of it. And since we left Hogwarts, I felt like I've been moving through a fog with nothing to guide me." Harry felt another kiss along the back of his hand.

He continued, whispering to Luna. "When everything was over, I had nothing left to live for and everyone was moving on, forward, as they should. But I felt stuck. And then there you were, blinding me like my Patronus and chasing the shadows away." Harry pulled Luna towards him and felt her rest her cheek against his chest. He ran his fingers up and down the length of her bare back and pressed a kiss into her hair. "And when I regained my vision, all I could see was you and you were my magnet. I revolve around you, Luna and I'm forever thankful to you for it."

Luna was quiet for a long moment and Harry imagined that he could hear her thoughts whirring about in her head. She lifted her face to his and kissed the corner of his mouth gently but when Harry began to follow her lips, she pulled away, out of reach. "Harry. Please be honest with me," she whispered. Her voice was fierce. "Is there anything, anything at all that you need to tell me? No matter what it is, I'll forgive you for it and we can move on and I'll never mention it again."

Even now, Harry could distinctly remember the feel of bile creeping up his throat and how heavily the air hung between the two as he considered his options. He could have -should have - come clean right then. In the grand scheme of his life, the momentary awkwardness of telling McGonagall and cancelling his date with Ginny would have been worth sparing what he had with Luna a million times over. And then, they could go to the party together and Harry could introduce his family and friends to the woman who had saved his life. Or the two could say to hell with the bloody party and stay home, enjoying each other's company.

But somewhere in the recent past, in the years following the War, Harry lost his courage and had become spineless. So, he cleared his throat and said, "No, nothing, my love. I'm not hiding anything." At that very moment, Harry felt Luna shrink away from him.

Downstairs, the clock chimed and Harry was roused from his memories. It was time to go. The plan was that he'd meet Ginny at the Burrow, eat a family dinner with the Weasley clan, and the two would Apparate to the party together. Harry would spend the expected amount of time mingling, make his excuses, and be back to Luna before eleven that night. Harry straightened his silver bow tie ("The exact color of Ginerva's gown," Madame Malkin had assured him the day before.) and turned to leave.

Harry paused outside of the bathroom and rapped his knuckles against the door. "I'm leaving now," he said. From inside, Harry could hear the sound of water lapping against the sides of the giant tub that stood in the center of the room. He imagined Luna, deep in the hot water, and would have traded anything to be in there with her now.

From inside the room echoed a small, "Okay," and Harry frowned. He'd be back early tonight and he would make it right.


	20. Chapter 20

June 2004

Harry leaned against the end of the bar and allowed his eyes to wander aimlessly across the crowded room. He watched the various conversations unfold between his closest friends and old colleagues, and discovered that he had no interest in anything – or anyone – that tonight had to offer. All Harry wanted was to get back to Luna and ensure that everything was okay between the two of them. The thought of Luna at home by herself and feeling any sort of negativity towards Harry set the anxiety creeping up his neck.

Harry's fingers began to itch for the cool glass of scotch that sat next to him. At least a drink would take the edge off.

"Alright there, Harry?" George Weasley asked as he stepped up to the bar and studied the various liquor bottles that lined the shelves. Harry nodded silently at George and turned his gaze back towards the room. "I guess the charade is over between the two of you then," George said, glancing sideways at Harry. "If not, I'd suggest changing your strategy because you're both shit at acting."

"What'd you mean, George?" Harry asked, raising his glass to his lips. The burn of the liquor was like an old, welcomed friend and Harry savored the feel of it slinking down the back of his throat. George let out a short laugh and Harry peered at him curiously.

"Ah, come out with it, wouldn't you? We're all getting tired of it," George replied and at Harry's silence, he let out a frustrated sigh. "Be straight with me, mate. Gin's had her hands all over Dean the entire night and you're standing here like you'd be anywhere else in the world. We all know that the two of you broke up ages ago so why not just own up to it?"

Harry shrugged. "Apparently it's pretty clear that we're not together anymore so I'm not sure why we're having this conversation."

George stared at Harry incredulously and slammed his hand down on the bar surface. A few of the party goers looked up at the noise, but no one else seemed to notice the interaction. "God damn, Harry. When did you become such an asshole? My family's just picking up the pieces after the War and now it's all fucked to pieces again. You and Ginny broke up. Who gives a damn? Just admit it and we can all move on. But this thing between you and Ron… and now you and Hermione? Are you trying to push everyone away or do you really just not give a shit about what anyone thinks of you anymore? Mum's sick about you but when's the last time you stopped by to see her? Like it or not, you're family and one of her sons so you'd better start acting like it-"

"Yeah, but I'm not one of her sons, George. Listen. I'm bloody thankful for everything that your parents have done for me over the years and I always will be but I am so tired of everyone putting their expectations on me. Ginny and I broke up. You're right – who gives a damn? Everyone knows it so why do I need to spell it out? In case you haven't noticed, your family isn't the only one trying to pick up the pieces after the War. I am too, George but I don't have a bloody family to help me navigate through all this shit. So, yeah. Gin and I broke up. There – I said it. Are you happy? Ron couldn't handle that I wasn't up for fitting into his idea of the perfect family and so he's pissed at me. Ron having a temper tantrum – big surprise there. And Hermione's pissed because I won't take her sanctimonious attitude anymore. I'm working on picking up my own pieces but I won't apologize for the fact that you all don't fit into my picture anymore."

Harry could feel the blood pulsing under his collar and he ached for another shot of scotch. He willed himself to calm down. George stared at Harry, his mouth agape and his cheeks began to flush red. Idly, Harry noticed that George's knuckles were white under his clenched fists.

"You _had _a family to help you through whatever shit you're going through but I guess we're not good enough for the famous Harry Potter. If we weren't around all of these people, I'd kick the living snot out of you. My family has done nothing but love you unconditionally and this is the thanks we get in return? Go fuck yourself, Potter. I'll be sure to let everyone know not to bother with you anymore."

Harry smirked darkly at George and pushed away from the bar. "No need, George. They're smart – they'll figure it out." Before George could snap out a retort, Harry began making his way through the crowd towards the exit and back to Luna. As Harry reached the cloak check, Ginny appeared by his side.

"Making an early night of it, Harry?" she said, peering up at him. Harry shrugged impatiently as he glanced around for the attendant who was nowhere to be found. He needed to get out of there – fast. "Probably for the best. Ron looks like he's about to explode at the sight of you… and poor Hermione. She obviously trying to ignore you but keeps shooting looks at you when she thinks no one is looking." Ginny turned so that she was facing the party. Harry rapped his fingers anxiously against the doorjamb.

"Doesn't anyone work here?" Harry asked through gritted teeth.

"It was fun though. Wasn't it? Between the two of us, I mean. We haven't ended up how I'd pictured us though but I suppose that's okay." The teenaged cloak assistant finally appeared and Harry thrust his cloak check ticket at him. The boy disappeared once more. "Oh, listen to me. Reminiscing about what's long and dead now. Did you ever end up telling _anyone_ that we broke up? Although, even if you haven't, I think they've all figured it out by now."

The teenager returned and held Harry's cloak out to him. Harry grunted at the kid and quickly threw his cloak around him, turning towards Ginny. "Listen," Harry began, "For what it's worth, I'm sorry for how things ended between us but I think we both knew that it wouldn't have worked. I hope I'm not completely off but I think that you'll be happier away from me. And I don't know if this'll mean anything to you, but I'm happy now. I really am."

Ginny shrugged and smiled sadly at Harry. "I am glad to hear that. I'm just sorry that you couldn't find happiness with me." Ginny sighed softly and looked up at the sound of the opening door. "Oh, wow. Luna looks really pretty tonight."

Harry swore he could feel time slow as he turned towards the direction of the entrance. Sure enough, Luna was stepping across the threshold and pulling her own cloak from her shoulders and Harry knew at once that he would never be able to get this version of Luna out of his mind. Her long blonde hair looked expertly styled and curled, and hung in a long curtain to the mid of her back. Her skin seemed covered in the most subtle of sheens and Harry imagined that the frothy bath soak he had smelled – was it mere hours ago? – still clung to her skin. Luna's face had just the slightest hint of makeup, enough only to make her normally beautiful eyes luminescent.

From the haze of his stupor, Harry heard Ginny remark, "That dress. Damn, Luna." Harry allowed his eyes to travel down the length of Luna's body and his breath hitched as he took in Ginny's meaning.

This must've been the new dress that Luna mentioned early and Harry would have done anything to crawl back in time to be the man fortunate enough to escort her here. Luna's dress was a silky deep blue – a shade that reminded Harry simultaneously of the deepest night sky and the darkest hues of Luna's eyes. The material dipped low in the front and as Luna turned to speak to the man behind her, Harry could see that the dress was all but nonexistent in the back. Almost the entire length of Luna's back was exposed and the material only began again at her low, low back. Harry felt his heart hammering wildly in his chest at the sight of her and the only thought that he could muster was a rhythmic, "_She's mine. She's mine. She's mine," _that aligned perfectly to the pulse of his blood pounding through his arteries.

"And who's that with her?" Ginny asked, apparently to Harry. "He's pretty cute." Harry's head whipped back to Ginny in utter confusion.

"What? What'd you mean? Who's what?" Harry stammered.

"That guy she's handing her cloak to. Can't keep his eyes off of her but can you blame him? Ralph something. No… wait – Rolf. That's it. Rolf Scamander. The years have been good to him," Ginny observed. Harry turned his head back towards Luna and the horrible reality of the situation began to dawn on him.

True to Ginny's words, a tall, thin man stepped behind Luna and Harry felt sick when he recognized the utter adoration in his eyes as he stared at Luna. Luna smiled sweetly at Rolf as he took her cloak out of her hands and extended his elbow to her. Luna's eyes swept across the party as she slipped her hand into the crook of Rolf's arm and just at that moment, her eyes settled on Harry's. Harry felt the air leave his body as though he'd just taken a punch to the gut and he waited for a reaction – any reaction – from Luna. Confusion at his being here, contrition for being on the arm of another man, _anything _that would account for what was happening here.

Luna blinked her eyes a few times, watching Harry silently and a second later, turned to say something to Rolf. Rolf, who obediently turned his head down to better hear what she was whispering to him and that was it – Luna did not look Harry's way once more. And all at once, it dawned on Harry. He felt the bile being building in his throat as he watched Luna brush past him as though he was a mere stranger passing by on a busy street. She knew exactly what he had done.


	21. Chapter 21

May 2004

Rolf cleared his throat and Luna jumped, pulled from her swirling thoughts that all revolved around Harry. Meeting his eyes, Luna felt the heat rise to her cheeks as she realized that Rolf knew she had not been paying any attention to his partnership proposal. He smiled kindly at her – he was always kind to her – and ran his long fingers through his curly hair.

"Would you like to reschedule to meet at another time? I can see you're preoccupied and I know how busy you are. I completely understand if you have other prior commitments to see to and I don't want to take up any of your-"

Luna interrupted him by leaning across the table and laying a hand on his wrist, which caused a nervous twitch in Rolf's wrist. Luna pulled back. "I'm sorry, Rolf. I am preoccupied but it was rude of me to let my mind wander. What were you saying? We'd leave from London and travel to Serbia…" Luna said, prompting Rolf to pick up where he left off in conversation. He smiled happily at her and Luna couldn't fight the small smile that spread across her lips in response Rolf's giddiness.

"That is correct. We'd begin our travels there, though I don't believe we'll spend much time in that area. There are only a few species that I'd like to track down there and I'm not entirely sure if there is any fauna that you'd be particularly interested in." Rolf paused, a worry frown erasing his earlier excitement. "In fact, well, you don't have to come to Serbia at all," he chuckled nervously and pulled out a small notebook out of his breast pocket. He produced a Muggle's pen and scratched a note to himself. Luna raised her eyebrow.

"I've never seen a wizard use Muggle parchment before," she remarked. Rolf glanced up and blinked at her. His cheeks burned red.

"Oh, er, well. I… I s'pose I just like the feel of the pen on the paper. My father used to carry a diary around and it just became habit. I guess it is rather odd…" Rolf frowned at his tiny, well-loved notebook in self-doubt. Luna couldn't suppress another smile.

"I apologize if it seems as though I'm criticizing you. I'm not at all, I promise you that. I just found it interesting. But, anyway. Serbia? I am not terribly familiar with that part of the world and its indigenous vegetation, although I'd be happy to write to Neville and see if he'd have any information for me."

"Professor Longbottom?" Rolf asked. Luna nodded and smiled at Rolf once more.

"Yes, we were friends while at Hogwarts together," Luna confirmed. Rolf nodded vigorously.

"I know," he said quickly. "I mean… I know that you were friends. I remember seeing the two of you together at school. I mean not together _together_, but it seemed like you were friends. Really close friends actually." Rolf stopped himself and chuckled nervously. His hands migrated to the paper napkin next to his abandoned plate and Luna watched as he began to methodically shred the napkin to tiny bits. "And now I've made myself seem like a stalker," he muttered.

"Not a stalker," Luna replied.

"Okay, maybe not a stalker but _weird_, you know?" Rolf said, his cheeks flushed and his eyes fixed on the napkin that was quickly disintegrating. He let out a frustrated sigh and balled his hands into fists. "I had this entire proposal ready and prepared in my mind. I'd practiced it at least fifty times this morning. I knew exactly what I was going to say to you and how I was going to say it. And look at me. I'm so _nervous_," he said softly, so quietly that Luna almost didn't hear him. She peered at him curiously. For the first time in days, she forgot to obsess over Harry Potter.

"Why are you nervous?" she asked, watching Rolf's reaction. He let out a slow and steady breath, and flexed his balled fingers. It was obvious that he was trying to force himself to calm down. Luna felt the urge to chuckle at his behavior – half out of bewilderment and half because of sheer confusion. In all of her interactions with Rolf Scamander – which had been few, admittedly – Luna could not account for this version of the man who was sitting in front of her. In all of his letters and in their earlier short conversations, Rolf had exuded politeness and professionalism almost to a fault. In fact, Luna had serious doubts about whether she could stomach a several months long trip with such a stiff and, well, boring person. But _this_ Rolf Scamander was an enigma to her.

He is cute – no, Luna corrected her thoughts – he is handsome. She could admit that and only feel marginally guilty about assessing another man's looks. Luna fought to keep Harry away from her mind and turned her attentions back to Rolf. Rolf was tall in a way that would make for a gangly teenager which she had no trouble picturing him as. But apparently aging had been good for him and what could be a lanky build turned into a subtly toned build. Rolf had the musculature of a man who spent hours outdoors, working with his own two hands. His skin was tanned and his mess of curly brown hair was streaked with shots of gold.

Rolf turned his gaze towards Luna and locked eyes with her. She sucked in a breath as she realized how intently he was staring at her. Luna watched his emotions battle across his face and yet, his eyes never wavered from hers.

"You know," he said quietly. "You're _Luna Lovegood_. How could I not be nervous around you?" He shrugged and once more pushed his fingers through his hair. Luna stared at Rolf in utter confusion.

"I don't understand," she murmured.

"You're Luna Lovegood," he repeated himself. "You're one of the most intelligent and innovative people in our world. You're _brave _and you-"

"I'm not brave," Luna said, chuckling but stopped short when Rolf nodded his head vigorously.

"But you _are_, Luna," Rolf insisted. "You are your own person and you never apologize for it. You've continued _The Quibbler _and you've maintained its integrity. You stand firmly on your beliefs and you make no apologies for it. Merlin, you're one of the most amazing, awe inspiring women that I've ever had the honor to meet. And you're _kind_. If only you knew how much kindness means to a person like me. I wasn't like you in school. I didn't have a ton of friends and we both know how mean teenagers can be to each other. But you were always so kind, despite it all. Despite everything that went on with the War and you were right there in the midst of it. How can you say that you're not brave? You're one of the bravest people I know." Rolf stopped his rant and bit down on his bottom lip, as if fighting against another string of compliments aimed at Luna.

"I…" Luna began but found that she had no idea how to respond. She could not remember the last time she had been so completely complimented by another person, and Rolf spoke of her with adoration. Luna wasn't sure if the fluttering in her stomach was caused by Rolf himself or the mere fact that she had never heard a man, save her father, speak about her the way that Rolf did. For one painful, fleeting second Harry's face flashed across her mind but Luna willfully pushed him – and the accompanying disappointment – away.

Once more, Rolf roused her from her thoughts but this time it was because he was pushing his chair away from the table to leave. "I'm so, so sorry, Luna. I have no idea what came over me right there. If by some divine miracle, you're still interested in my silly little adventure idea… well, I'll be sending you an owl in a few days." Rolf stood quickly and pulled a few crumpled bills from his pocket. Dropping them on the table, he offered Luna an apologetic smile. "I understand if you aren't though. Thanks for your time, Miss Lovegood." And with that, Rolf turned on his heel and walked out of the small café.

It only took Luna twenty seconds to realize what she was about to do and jumped up, chasing after Rolf for fear that he would Apparate before she could catch him.

"Rolf!" she called, hoping that he would hear her over the din of the busy London streets. She watched him pause, sigh, and turn back to face her. His hands were stuffed deeply down into the front pockets of his corduroy pants, and he kicked nervously at the sidewalk with the toe of his left shoe. After a moment, he began to walk back to her.

"Yeah?" he asked, timid. He fixed his eyes on the pattern of Luna's hand bag – a wild tangle of flowers.

"Rolf. If you're not busy tomorrow night… I was hoping that you'd accompany me to a party," Luna asked, suddenly nervous. "I bought a new dress and everything but my date… well, it just didn't work out. But if you're busy," Luna paused, and laughed shortly. "You have to be busy. Who gives one day's notice?"

"I'm not busy," Rolf said quickly. "I'm not busy at all. I'd love to come with you. Just tell me when and where, and I'll be there for you."

Luna smiled at Rolf and for one fleeting second, she felt a tidal wave of guilt crash over her. She was using Rolf… wasn't she? To get back at Harry? Luna pushed the thoughts aside and reassured herself. _No. I _actually _like Rolf. I'm not worrying about Harry's feelings anymore_, she promised herself. _It is time to start worrying about myself. _


	22. Chapter 22

June 2004

"Mr. Potter, your cloak Sorry for the delay, sir," said the attendant standing before Harry. Harry's fingers clutched at the fabric of his cloak as the boy handed it over to him but Harry shook his head.

"Change of plans – I'm staying. Sorry for your trouble," he muttered, and pushed the cloak back to the boy and turned on his heel.

"Harry?" Ginny asked, her voice laced with confusion. Harry ignored her and made his way back to the bar and sank back onto the stool that he had occupied all evening. Wordlessly and without the command, the bartender pushed a glass filled with scotch into Harry's outstretched hand. He downed the liquor in a single shot and nodded at the bartender to refill his glass.

Harry could feel the alcohol dull his edgy nerves just slightly. Taking a deep breath, he turned his body to face the crowd of the room and sought out Luna. He watched as she moved further into the crowd and watched as nearly every member of the party did a double take as they realized that this woman was Luna Lovegood. Harry imagined everyone struggling to marry this version of Luna – elegant, poised – with Loony Lovegood, Editor-in-Chief of _The Quibbler_. He felt his anxiety grow.

For the next hour, Harry watched Luna as if his life depended upon memorizing her every single move. He studied the way that she interacted with each person. He analyzed her reactions to their questions, their conversations. Harry memorized the way that she moved her hands, the way that her brow furrowed, and the way that she pulled her bottom lip between her teeth when pausing to formulate an answer to an asked question. And with each passing interaction, Harry's agitation grew. Where was the awkward Luna who never failed to embarrass herself – and others – at any and every social gathering? Because at least if he found a glimpse of _that_ Luna, Harry could almost begin to justify his actions to himself.

But to his increasing horror, Harry began to realize just how wrong he had been about this entire evening and even about Luna. Despite an initial sense of surprise, everyone who interacted with Luna was clearly charmed by the woman she had grown into. Not a single person smirked or began to gossip when their conversation was over and everyone seemed genuinely intrigued by what Luna had to say. And honestly, what had he expected? Did he truly believe that she would have twirled about the room, chasing imaginary pixies to help cure hangovers? And even if she had, Harry had always connected with Luna despite whatever eccentricities she was exhibiting. He stood proudly beside her at Horace Slughorn's ridiculous elitist party and made no apologies for the person she was. Harry clenched his jaw tightly, teeth grinding, as he fought back the feeling of self-loathing that began creeping through his veins.

Harry nodded to the bartender and held two fingers up; only looking back for Luna after the man placed two tumblers of scotch before him. Now that Harry had realized what a complete asshole he had been to her, he began searching for signs of her current feelings towards him. Harry became keenly aware of how small the room was and felt their distance as though she were the center of the universe and he could not help but be pulled in by the force of her gravity. Luna gave no indication that she had any awareness of Harry's whereabouts in the room. She engaged every single person whom she interacted with and provided them with her undivided attention. She never allowed her eyes to stray and search for Harry, and Harry started to wonder if he had ruined their relationship beyond repair. For the second time that night, he had to bite back the bile as it crept up the back of his throat.

And Rolf. Rolf was beginning to infuriate Harry. As the night progressed and Harry continued his vigil watch on the pair, he felt anger beginning to simmer beneath his skin. Rolf was like a pathetic, love sick puppy. If Luna moved two steps to her right, Rolf was right behind her like a shadow. He lingered awkwardly on the periphery of whatever Luna was engaged in and practically glowed whenever she turned her attention to him, as if he were a dog starved for attention. And though Luna always maintained a respectable distance, Rolf hovered. At one point, Harry had to stop himself from going after the man after seeing Rolf place his hand on the small of Luna's back. _"I'll kill him_,_" _Harry promised himself.

Harry's head perked up as he noticed Luna detaching herself from Rolf and crossing the room towards his perch at the bar. But just as she reached him, she turned and headed down a small side hallway that held the restrooms. Before he could collect his thoughts, Harry jumped up and rushed after her. The ridiculous amount of scotch he had consumed caught up with him and Harry's head began to swim.

"Luna," he called out, reaching an arm to steady himself against a wall. Luna turned around with a smile that instantly vanished as soon as she realized who said her name. But Luna didn't immediately turn back around and Harry recognized his chance – maybe his only chance to say _anything _that could possibly make things right.

"Luna, you… I…" Harry stammered and Luna's left eyebrow arched. "You look beautiful," Harry finally said, breathlessly.

"Really, Harry?" Luna asked, rolling her eyes. She turned back towards the ladies' restroom and pushed the door open. Harry immediately straightened and began to walk after her but stopped short as he heard the door's lock snap shut. He banged his fist against the door and said softly, "Luna, open the door."

"Go away," she retorted from within, and Harry heard the sound of running water.

"I have a wand. I'll just unlock the door if you don't let me in. We need to talk," he slurred. The door flew open and Harry stumbled back as Luna pushed a hard finger into his chest. She backed him up against the wall and Harry felt a crack as his head crashed against the stone wall.

"No," Luna said through gritted teeth. "We do _not_ need to talk. Not about this, not about us, and certainly not here. You _will_ respect my wishes and leave me alone for the entire evening. I am here to have a nice time despite the hell you've put me through for the past four days. You will _not _ruin this for me. Now, leave me the hell alone." Luna pushed past Harry and before he could decide if it was a good decision, he grabbed her arm as she walked past and pulled her back to him, forcefully. Harry was dimly aware that he was being too rough with her but the panic at her coldness and the fuel from the scotch spurred him on. Luna struggled against his grip and consequently, Harry tightened his fingers against her arm.

"Let _go_ of me," Luna pleaded. "For God's sake, you're hurting me. Let _go._" She pulled against him and with her free arm, pushed back against his chest. Harry did not budge. Harry spun her around, pinning her between his body and the wall that she was now backed up against.

"We need to talk," he repeated himself and struggled to meet her eyes. The liquor had made everything hazy and Luna's figure began to swim in front of him. "I fucked up. I know that. But I _love_ you, Luna. I am in fucking love with you," Harry said, his voice picking up volume. "Why'd you let me go on like that? Why didn't you call me on my shit? And who the fuck is that guy?" Harry blinked as Luna's face came into focus. He was able to briefly register the tears rolling down her face and the look of utter panic in her eyes before a strong hand gripped the back of his neck and ripped him backwards. Harry dropped his hold on Luna's arm as he toppled to the floor.

"What the fuck is wrong with you?" Ron's voice demanded from somewhere above Harry's body. Harry blinked a few times and watched as Luna scurried down the hallway where she met a confused Rolf and a horrified Hermione. From behind Ron, Ginny stared down at Harry as though she had never seen him before. Harry watched as Rolf nodded earnestly and turned, guiding Luna from the room.

"Wait! Luna!" Harry bellowed and began to scramble to his feet. Ron shoved roughly against Harry's shoulder, knocking him to the floor once more.

"Are you a fucking lunatic? She's gone, Harry. Leave her the fuck alone," Ron shouted. "And who the fuck do you think you are? Putting your hands on a woman like that?" Ron stared at Harry in disgust. "I don't know who the hell you are anymore. I don't even recognize you anymore." Ron turned on his heel and walked back to Hermione who was visibly shaking.

Harry looked up at the only person left standing in the tiny hallway. Ginny. Harry shook his head and slowly began to right himself, using the wall as his guide. As soon as he was fully right, Harry looked back to Ginny and came face to face with the end of her wand. He'd seen the current look in her eyes before but never, ever directed towards him. Ginny looked at him with something that came very near to pure hatred. "If you go after her, I _will _curse you. And I won't hesitate to make it hurt," she said.


	23. Chapter 23

June 2004

Rolf leaned against the door frame leading into the room of the inn that Luna had rented for the next three nights. She was grateful for this attention and worry, but at the moment shqe wanted nothing more but to be left alone to process what had transpired that night.

Rolf sighed unhappily. 'I don't feel right leaving you alone like this. Are you sure you're going to be okay? I can stay. We don't have to talk or anything. I'll just be here to… to… I don't know." Rolf glanced at Luna with a pleading look in his eyes. She could instantly tell that his presence would be a comfort not only to her, but for him as well. Clearly Harry's actions were surprising to her as they were to everyone else, Rolf included. She wasn't sure why, but Luna felt marginally better with that realization. She shook her head slowly.

"Honestly, I'll be fine though I do appreciate everything you've done for me tonight. I just need to be by myself and… think, I suppose," Luna said. Rolf nodded, apparently resigned, and stood up straight.

"If you need anything, just… well, just find me. I'll be at home tonight and all day tomorrow," he said. Luna smiled at him and nodded her head. "I mean it, Luna." Rolf looked at her once more, turned, and began walking down the narrow hallway. Luna watched him and as she was about to return to her room, Rolf paused and glanced over his shoulder at her.

"Can I ask just one thing?" Rolf called softly. If Luna hadn't been paying attention to him, she wouldn't have been able to pick out his voice over the sound of the inn and its residents. She nodded mutely and braced herself for whatever was coming - she was sure that Rolf had to be incredibly confused.

"Has he done that to you before?" Rolf asked, watching Luna's face for a reaction. Luna hesitated for a brief moment before shaking her head slowly.

"No," she responded. Rolf waited for a more elaborate answer but at her silence, he nodded his head once.

"Alright then," he said, and turned, disappearing down the hallway. Luna sighed softly and returned to the safety of her small, cozy room. By some miraculous moment of clarity, Luna had the foresight to arrange a different sleeping arrangement for the night of the party. She knew that Harry's reaction would be bad, but she would never have guessed at the scene that unfolded. The elderly lady who checked Luna into her room took one look at Luna's shaken expression and readily agreed to extend her reservation by another two nights.

The moments following Harry's angry outburst were a complete blur. Luna could dimly remember Ron's infuriated face and the throbbing ache in her upper arm. The next thing she knew, Rolf had his hand planted firmly around her waist and he was hurrying her away from the crowd. "Where're you staying," he asked, his voice low and pressed against her ear. Luna murmured the name of the inn and the next thing she knew, they were standing in front of the little old lady who was awaiting her arrival.

"My dear," she welcomed the pair. "Welcome to the Rose and Cauldron. You must be Miss Luna Lovegood. Yes, yes, here we are," she crooned, peering over the spectacles perched on the end of her pointed noise. Her wrinkled fingers danced across the ancient reservation book. "Checking in for just one night, am I correct, dear?"

Luna felt Rolf pull her even tighter to his side and his long fingers stretched the length from her lower hip to just above her bra line. She realized that she must be shaking.

"That is correct, but if it is at all possible," Luna began and dropped her gaze to the reservation book. Her heart sank as she saw the many, many names scrawled across the pages. "I'd like to stay two days longer…" Luna's voice became meek and she drew in a shuddering breath. The woman's head snapped up and she fixed Luna with a searching stare.

"Oh, love. Don't trouble yourself. We'll make it work. Now, let's get you to your room, eh?" The woman looked at Rolf and narrowed her eyes, apparently protective of Luna despite their being complete strangers. Luna felt Rolf stiffen before reaching to collect the key that lay on the desk.

"It's okay," Luna said. "He isn't the one who… I'm fine."

Luna stepped into the tiny bathroom that connected to the bedroom. There was nothing much to the room other than a clawfoot tub, a small toilet and sink, and a floor length mirror attached to the back of the door. Luna paused to take in her surroundings before a burst of energy sent her spinning into action. She snatched her wand from her small handbag that was all but forgotten and pointed it to the tub. Wordlessly, the knobs spun and a steady stream of steaming, hot water began to pour into the tub. Luna threw her wand to the floor and spun to face her reflection.

Angry, red marks the exact shape of Harry's hand encircled the upper portion of her left arm and Luna suddenly felt as though she couldn't breath. She ripped at her dress, desperate to get away from the clinging material and the memory of how she hoped Harry would see her tonight. Luna heard an angry rip as the delicate material fell to pieces under her rampage but the sound only helped spur on her madness. As soon as the dress was pooled around her feet, Luna began to rip desperately at her hair.

Like a fool, Luna took the pains to learn how to elaborately braid and twist her hair and now the sight of it infuriated her. It mocked her. How could you be so stupid, she accused herself. The pins that held her hair back began to ping against the cold tile of the bathroom floor and Luna stared at her reflection once more, jarred by how wild her expression was. I don't even look like myself, she thought and began to furiously rub at the makeup that had, mere hours earlier, caused Luna to think that she looked quite pretty. Now the eyeshadow mingled with the kohl eyeliner and fell down the length of her cheeks, black and shimmery and hideous. Luna stilled and allowed the sob that she had been actively choking back to bubble up and out of her mouth. The tears began to run in steady streams down her face, mingling with the smeared make up and dripping down on to her new, silky white bra.

"Miss Lovegood?" Luna heard the voice of the elderly lady call into her room. Luna quickly closed the wide bathroom door, leaving only an inch of space.

"Erm, I'm just changing. Did you need something from me?"

"No, love. Just brought up some tea and some soup," the woman responded and Luna heard the delicate chatter of china clinking together.

"Thank you, but I'm not quite in the mood for tea."

"I thought that, my dear. I've brought something a bit stronger for you as well." The woman turned and caught Luna's eye that peeked between the door and the wall. "Whoever it was, I hope you give him hell the next time you see him." Before Luna could formulate a response, the woman was leaving and closing the door gently behind her.

Luna waited a moment before going to inspect the "something stronger" that awaited her. She let out a dry laugh as she found a half empty bottle of fire whiskey and the irony of the choice of liquor was not lost on her. "Of course it's fire whiskey," she muttered to herself but pulled the bottle to her lips none the less. Luna spluttered as the foreign taste of whiskey invaded her mouth but after the initial shock, she began to pull the liquor in long swigs. Once the bottle was empty, Luna tossed it onto her bed and staggered back into the bathroom.

She slammed the bathroom door and rounded on her reflection, emboldened by the fuel of the alcohol. Luna's eyes were instantly pulled to her left arm and she felt the anger burn in her blood as she noticed that what was previously red had begun to purple into a nasty bruise. Her temperature continued to rise the longer that she stared at her pathetic figure in the mirror and Luna became aware of the swirling sickness created by the whiskey that settled in the pit of her belly. And all of the sudden, it was too much for her.

It was too much for Luna to stand there and attempt to accept that Harry Potter had ever truly loved her in any sort of selfless, healthy way. The evidence was painted clearly on her arm. It was probable that Harry was incapable of ever loving Luna simply for herself. The only kind of love that he could feel now was tainted - twisted and dark. It dwelled in a place that had become corrupted by all of the darkness he had encountered and Luna felt angry and she felt cheated and she felt violated.

But underneath all of it, Luna felt a bone deep sadness that wrapped itself around her soul and squeezed. She felt sad for herself - for the time that she had put into their sham of a relationship. Luna mourned the faith that she had invested so deeply into Harry and the hope that had guided her for so long. Hope that they would eventually, finally, be able to be together on their own terms and the hope that Harry would triumph over the demons that he so obviously battled on a daily basis. And most keenly of all, Luna felt the sadness over the fact that there was no turning back.

No matter where she and Harry - if there could ever be a she and Harry again - ended up, they could never overcome this. The betrayal was an enormous issue but one that could be rectified by time and help. But Harry had put his hands on her and hurt her, whether intentionally or not. Luna could not imagine that there would ever be a time that she felt completely safe with him when they were alone. And Luna felt her heart breaking - again - because of what Harry Potter had done to her.

A distant awareness dawned on her, and Luna noticed that her feet were becoming covered in water. From behind her, the large tub was overflowing and Luna jumped to turn off the faucet. The sudden action lurched the whiskey around in her stomach and instantly, she felt ill. As soon as the water was shut off, Luna dropped to her knees in front of the toilet and became violently ill.


	24. Chapter 24

June 2004

Harry opened his eyes and the first thing to register was the vast expanse of stars that peppered the purplish sky over head. The second thing that he became aware of was the splitting headache that seemed determined to rip his brain into quarters. Harry was unsure whether the headache had been born from the interactions between his skull and the concrete walls at the party or from the aftermath of drinking too much scotch. He decided that it was probably a combination.

But how Harry had come to be flat on his back, in the middle of the night, staring up at the stars was lost on him. The wetness of the dew had seeped into his dress clothes at some point during his sleep outside and Harry finally pulled himself to his feet, staggering as the world swam sickeningly before his eyes. Harry could vaguely make out the shape of Luna's house several meters into the distance and he began to stumble towards it.

The moment Harry's foot hit the first stone of the handmade path that led to Luna's front door, he felt as though he had stepped beneath an invisible waterfall. Harry instantly recognized the sensation as magic and was not totally surprised when he heard Luna's disembodied voice whisper, "stupify" from all around him. Mere seconds later, his body was launched several meters back and Harry once again was left staring up at the night sky.

The moment that the curse wore off, Harry jumped to his feet. The shock of the magic had sobered Harry almost instantly and he ran towards Luna's home, slowing only once he reached the periphery of her property. Obviously, she had put up protective spells to keep unwelcome intruders out but Harry had never imagined that _he'd _be the person who Luna would want to keep out. Harry leveled the darkened house for a moment more before he realized that no one was home. Luna must have left the party hours earlier and yet… where the hell was she? Harry began to pace furiously around the perimeter of her house as worse case scenarios began to invade his mind.

First, Harry imagined that Luna was hurt somewhere and he began to panic. Never in their time together as a couple had Harry ever spent a stretch of time in which he did not know exactly where Luna was and what she was doing. Was she in trouble? Did she need him? The feverish thoughts began to race through Harry's mind and his anxiety began to grow. But then all at once, what had happened between him and Luna - what _Harry _had done - came flooding back into his memory and Harry stopped his frenzied march. Harry clutched at his stomach as nausea overtook him and Harry remembered the way that Luna looked, the way that Rolf Scamander stared at her, and the way that Luna refused to even look at Harry.

Harry doubled over and began heaving, violently. Once the sick was all out of him, Harry slumped back into the grass and for a third time that night, found himself staring up at the stars. Numbness dulled the panic and anxiety that Harry felt only moments before. So, where was she? Harry's thoughts began to roll again and he fixated on the memory of the adoration in Rolf's eyes as he gazed at Luna. Harry's thoughts turned toxic as he imagined Luna with Rolf at that very moment. She'd either be with him for the sole intention of hurting Harry or - even worse, he imagined - she wasn't thinking of Harry at all. Minutes began to fly by with Harry laying motionless in the grass, paralyzed by the thought of Luna with another man.

It wasn't until the sun broke over the tops of the trees that Harry decided to move. He picked himself up and cast a glance towards Luna's home once more. The same home that they'd spent their happiest moments in and now… the same home where Harry was no longer wanted. Harry sucked in a deep breath and vanished into the morning air with an echoing pop.

He'd be lying to himself if he tried to believe that he wasn't surprised to find Ron's sleeping figure sprawled on the small sofa in the flat that was all but abandoned. With no where else to turn, Harry had decided to come back to his small flat for the first time in months and was darkly appreciative that he had not ended his lease. Harry slammed the door that led into the living room from the outside hallway and watched as Ron jumped awake. Ron stared up at Harry in confusion and Harry was granted a glimpse of the man who used to be his best friend in the entire world. But the moment was fleeting and Harry was fixed with the same expression that nearly everyone in his life leveled him with - disgust.

"Let's be clear," Ron said as he stood. Harry cocked an eyebrow as he took in Ron's clothing - the same dress cloaks he'd worn to the party the night before. "The only reason I'm here is because Hermione wanted to be and I'll be damned if I let her around you alone after the shit you pulled last night."

"What the hell are you talking about," Harry barked at Ron. The hangover, the probably concussions, and the wake of his erratic emotions had pushed Harry to the very edge of his calm, and the look that Ron was giving him made him feel nearly violent. Ron snorted meanly.

"That's rich. Of course you don't remember, you fucking drunk," Ron spit at Harry. "Where's Luna, mate?" Harry stared at Ron, his brow furrowed in confusion. "That's right. You have no idea. You're like a damned tornado. You destroy everything that you come in contact with!"

Harry crossed the room and came nose to nose with Ron. "Where is she," Harry demanded. "You know where she is. Where the hell is she, Ron?" Ron laughed and pushed Harry back by the shoulders.

"You must be out of your mind if you'd think that I'd ever tell you where you could find her. Why? So you can terrorize her a second time? You need help. You're a fucking mess," Ron accused.

"Terrorize her? Cut out the fucking bullshit, Ron," Harry bellowed. "What are you talking about?"

Ron stared at Harry for a moment before heading towards the door. "The fact that you could forget last night says a whole lot about your character, mate. I'd hoped that the old Harry was buried somewhere in there but apparently I've been holding out for nothing. You're fucking wrecked, Harry. You need help. I mean it - you need serious, professional help. We'd thought you had a drinking problem but seeing you last night? It's worse than that." Ron reached the door and pulled, stepping out into the landing outside of Harry's flat. "I sincerely hope that was the first and only time you've ever touched Luna like that." With that, Ron slammed the door shut.

Harry waited just one moment before Apparating.

He pounded his fists against the door and after what seemed like hours, a sleepy Hermione finally answered. As soon as she opened the door, Harry shouldered his way past her and stared frantically around the foyer of her and Ron's new home. Hermione turned after Harry, but her hand lingered on the door, keeping it ajar.

"Do you know where she is?" Harry demanded, turning towards Hermione.

"You can't be here," she said softly. Harry blinked a few times before her statement registered in his mind.

"What?" Harry asked, dumbfounded.

"I said," Hermione said, and paused to clear her throat. When she spoke again, her voice was louder and more demanding. "I said that you can't be here. Ron does not want me to be alone around you and I am respecting his wishes. You have to leave." Hermione pulled her door open even wider.

"Has the entire world gone fucking mad," Harry yelled. He crossed the foyer in a few long strides and stared down at Hermione. "Somebody better tell me what the hell is going on or I swear to Merlin, I will lose my mind. Where is Luna? She never came home last night. Where the fuck is she, Hermione?! I'm going mad here. I need to see her. I need to speak with her and I have no idea how to find her."

Hermione left her station at the open door and closed the distance between herself and Harry. With a resounding SMACK, Harry's head snapped to the side with the full force of Hermione's punch to the right side of his face. When he regained his senses, he turned his shocked gaze back to her and found her shaking out her wrist vigorously. She stared at him with venom.

"That's for Luna. That's also for the complete and utter ass you've been to me. You want to know what happened? Fine. But it'll be over my dead body before I ever help you track her down_. Accio Pensieve._" Harry heard a whirring noise and suddenly, a bronze Pensieve floated between the two of them. Harry looked up to see Hermione pulling a silvery thread from her temple with the tip of her wand and watched, perplexed, as she shook the memory into the Penseive. Harry saw figures beginning to swim in the pool and looked back to Hermione.

_"_You've got the length of that memory," she said. Harry paused. "I'm perfectly serious, Harry. Go _- now_."

Harry stepped forward and lowered his face into the surface of the pool…

_He stood behind Hermione and saw Ginny moving down the hallway to a collection of figures just outside of the women's restroom. Harry moved past Hermione and looked back at her, shocked by the look on her face. Hermione looked frightened and tears were pooling in her eyes._

_Harry moved down the hall._

_Ginny stood behind Ron and Harry noticed her reach down the front of her dress for her hidden wand. She brandished it, ready to attack. Ron sprung into action and Harry recognized himself. Time seemed to slow within the memory as he took in what was transpiring._

_He was obviously drunk and he had Luna cornered, between his body and the wall. She was pleading with him. Harry dimly heard her shouting, "You're hurting me," and turned his eyes to where his hand was violently gripping her arm. Harry's stomach heaved when the fear in Luna's eyes registered - fear of Harry. Harry watched himself as his grip tightened around Luna's arm. Her skin spilled over his fingers as it was displaced by the force of his hold and Harry knew with certainty that he had, at the very least, left a deep bruise._

And then all too suddenly, he was back in Hermione and Ron's home, gasping for breath. Harry felt himself being lurched back and realized that Ron was pulling, pushing him across the room and towards the door. Hermione had sunk back against the wall and began to open her mouth to intercede but decided against it. Harry searched her eyes for any hint of sympathy or apology, and found nothing but emptiness. When the two men reached the threshold, Ron violently pushed Harry out of his home.

"I never want to see you here again," Ron said, his voice void of any emotion. And as Harry began to process the memory that Hermione had given him, he heard the crack of the door slamming shut behind him.


	25. Chapter 25

July 2004

Luna began every morning with a cup of tea and a glance out of her front window, searching for Harry's huddled figure on the distant periphery of her land. She'd sigh sadly to herself and finish her tea, all while watching him from the safety of her spelled home. Her cup of tea would eventually empty, no matter how long she drug the ritual out, and Luna would begin her day, casting Harry as far from her mind as humanly possible.

Nearly five weeks had passed since the night of the Order's party. The first few days after she returned home had been agonizing torture. Luna would fight herself minute by minute _not _to run out to Harry and demand an explanation while simultaneously forgiving him for all of his faults. She'd hover on her front stoop, a mere breath's distance from the safety net of her cloaking spells and wait. Luna would wait for either the courage to go back inside and go about her day or for the anxiety to overcome her and push her to Apparate to a safe place, which was usually Rolf's small cottage in a wizarding suburb of London.

But as the proverb promised, time does eventually heal all things and while the days slowly rolled by, Luna felt marginally more _okay_ with every passing minute. Now, she could conjure the memories of her last few days with Harry and analyze them from an apathetic distance – what Harry had done wrong, what she had done wrong, and what Harry would have to do in order to make things right… _if _that was a possibility. And she wasn't sure if it was a possibility or if she even wanted to allow the possibility of reuniting with Harry to exist.

Regardless of the careful distance that she had placed between her current self and the recent past, Luna still was unwilling to face Harry. Her first few nights at home were fearful. Luna still keenly remembered the circumstance that first brought Harry into her post-War life and the memory of his sudden drunk mean streaks mingled in her mind with how quickly he had been to grab at her and trap her, despite her panicked pleas to _stop_. When sober, Luna believed that Harry posed no threat or harm… but when drunk and provoked? He clearly needed help.

Luna knew that at some point, they would have to speak with one another. If not to discuss what happened to their relationship, then at least put their affairs to rest for practical reasons. For one matter, Harry still had belongings at Luna's home. The bulk of his stuff – mostly clothing – was sitting in a box, folded neatly and awaiting a recipient. But every so often, Luna would still stumble across an odd end of his and her heart would lurch in her chest. But she would collect herself, add the bits and bobs to his box, and move on with her day. And there was the trouble of who to actually send his belongings to. Luna was unsure of whether Harry continued to rent his small flat after he had all but moved in, and she could think of no personal friend or acquaintance of his who would want to act as a go between for her. Luna had written half a dozen letters to various members of the Weasley family asking for help and they'd all either gone unanswered or returned with a polite, "We're sorry but it just can't happen right now."

Luna looked down into her mug and frowned when she realized that it was all but empty. Casting one last glance at Harry, who was leaning against a tree and appeared to be dozing, she turned and walked back into her home. Tomorrow she'd be leaving for Serbia and she wondered if Harry would continue his vigil outside of her home while she was away. Luna wondered how long it would take without her appearing for him to decide that his task was moot and realize that it was time to finally move on. She was surprised to find how acutely the thought of Harry moving on hurt her but she brushed the unease away quickly. If she had wanted to right things between the two of them, Luna had every chance in the world. But she was unwilling to simply forgive him for what he did – not only the bout of violence, but also for the betrayal and his sheer reluctance to own their relationship.

Luna turned to the small stack of books leant to her by Neville Longbottom and began to methodically pack them into her travel trunk. Nearly all of her affairs were set. Luna decided to suspend the regular publication of _The Quibbler _for the next sixteen issues while she was away. As she was the acting Editor-in-Chief of the paper, attempting to find a temporary replacement who would uphold the publication to her standards was way too daunting of a task. Instead Luna decided to publish a sixteen part travel journal of sorts, discussing her own discoveries in addition to interest pieces from the local cultures she would immerse herself in. One of her father's oldest colleagues agreed to assist her with the physical portion of putting together _The Quibbler_.

Luna glanced towards the window but refused to allow herself another look at Harry. _I wonder if he even knows that I'm leaving_, Luna thought, sadly. But there was no reasonable explanation for how he would have learned that news, other than seeking out Neville Longbottom at Hogwarts which was Luna seriously doubted. She and Neville had been actively corresponding for the past two weeks about her trip and never once had he mentioned any odd visits from Harry Potter. Luna looked down at her trunk and decided that she was as ready as she could be for this trip. Luna pulled her wand from her back pocket, pointed it at her trunk, and with a few murmured words, it was gone. She glanced about her living room once more and decided that it was time to leave it all behind… at least for the next sixteen months.

She Disapparated and was gone.


	26. Chapter 26

August 2004

Harry jerked awake and as soon as his vision came into focus, he turned his eyes towards the house in the distance. In seven weeks, nothing had much changed from this view. Harry imagined the impenetrable bubble that separated the outside from Luna's small world and try as he may, no amount of strain could force his eyes to detect hints of Luna from within her fortress. Seven weeks and all Harry could account for the passage of time was the steadily growing weeds and grasses that separated him from her home.

From beside him came the smallest of coughs and, turning his head, Harry was mildly surprised to see Ron Weasley leaning against the tree next to the one that he currently occupied. Had Harry spent any amount of time other than staking out the perimeter of Luna's home for nearly fifty days, he may have been actively surprised at his new company. His one-time best friend narrowed his eyes, but kept his gaze fixed on Luna's house. Ron's lips pursed and Harry could sense Ron's frustration, even after all their time spent apart.

"Ron," Harry said in greeting. Ron nodded his head in acknowledgement but didn't bring his gaze to Harry. The two men sat in silence for an awkward stretch of time. Harry couldn't think of anything that would cause Ron to seek him out – for the past year of rocky friendship, Hermione had acted as their go-between. Harry's heart lurched suddenly as his mind jumped to the darkest conclusions and he quickly began to assume that someone must have died.

"It wasn't easy for me to come here," Ron muttered and cleared his throat. Harry turned to look at Ron and willed his wildly hammering heart to slow down.

"What's happened?" Harry asked. Ron shook his head shortly.

"Nothing's happened. Not an emergency, anyway. But I'm just so damn tired of being angry all the time," Ron said.

Harry peered questioningly at his friend. "What?"

Ron sighed. "I've been so pissed at you for so long. I was furious when you broke off things off with Gin and when it threw my entire family up into the air. I was pissed when you decided that you didn't need any of us anymore, even Hermione and me-"

"Ron, I-" Harry began but Ron lifted his hand to cut him off.

"Just let me talk. I was angry when I found out about Luna." Harry winced at the mention of her name. "I was mad because I thought you had been cheating on my sister and I was even madder because I wasn't good enough to talk to about what was going on." At this, Ron turned to Harry. "You've been a really shitty friend. And I get that you've had your own stuff going on but with everything that we've been through…" Ron paused and studied Harry's face for a moment. Harry felt the tips of his ears go red. "You've just been a really shit friend. I've been going through shit too, you know? You're not the only one who's fucked up after the War. I needed you and you let me down."

Harry watched Ron's expression and struggled to formulate an adequate response. What could he possibly say to make the past year okay between him and Ron? And, if he were honest, did he even care to make it okay? Harry allowed that thought to stew in his mind and after a mere second, he realized how suddenly vital it was to repair his friendship with Ron. Harry had spent so much time absorbed by his own life that he'd let Ron slip through the cracks and their friendship had festered with all of the ugliness that had transpired.

As Harry became wrapped up in his own retrospection, Ron pulled out a folded newspaper and handed it to Harry. Harry frowned, reflection interrupted, and glanced down at the paper.

"What's this?" he asked, looking back to Ron.

"Have you really done nothing but sit out here since the night of the party?" Harry shrugged and Ron rolled his eyes in response. "Honestly, mate. How you ever became The Chosen One is beyond me."

Harry let out a bark of laughter at the unexpected glimpse of his old best friend. But he still didn't understand. Looking at the folded paper in his hands, Harry unrolled the publication. _The Quibbler _smiled happily up at him and Harry swallowed at the sudden wave of bile that rose up the back of his throat.

"Is this a joke? It isn't funny," Harry snapped and Ron rolled his eyes once more.

"Use your brain, Harry. Luna's been gone for two weeks now on some sort of… I don't know… research trip with that Scamander guy. She's been writing about her journey," Ron said, standing. He began to hit at the leaves that clung to his worn out corduroy pants. "I came here to let you know that sitting out here like this is madness. She isn't home. I'd thought for sure that you'd have checked _The Quibbler _but apparently Hermione was right."

Harry began feverishly ripping through the paper, looking for any picture that contained even the smallest glimpse of Luna. When that hope was disappointed, he began searching for the mention of a location that he may be able to find her. His eyes narrowed in and he shouted, "Serbia! She's in Serbia!" Harry jumped up and clutched at the paper excitedly. Ron frowned.

"No. She's not," he said. "You need to slow down. If you'd taken the time to read her article, you'd see that she only publishes her whereabouts after she's already left. Luna's smarter than I gave her credit for… I think she realized you'd eventually start reading her stuff and attempt to hunt her down." Harry shot a dark look at Ron, who merely shrugged. "Hey, I'm not the one who's been staking out her house like some stalker. But anyway. I also came to let you know that a box arrived at my place addressed to you. You're welcome to come collect it but there are a few conditions… You can't be drunk and you have to stay for dinner. Those are Hermione's words, not mine." Ron shoved his fists deep into his pockets and spared another glance towards Harry, who was staring at him like a lost little animal with _The Quibbler _clutched pathetically in his hands.

"I'll be seeing you," Ron said and with a pop, was gone.


	27. Chapter 27

April 2005

Luna smiled at Rolf from across the fire and turned her attentions to the conversation buzzing around her. Their most recent ventures had taken the pair deep into the forests of Eastern Europe and though Luna was not precisely aware of their whereabouts, she believed that they were either in Poland or Slovakia. She had stopped keeping track of where exactly they were – Luna left all of the meticulous planning to Rolf because he was simply better than she with the organization. Luna also held onto a slight fear that, if she knew ahead of time where they were travelling to next, she would leave clues in her articles in _The Quibbler._ She wondered if, somewhere in England, a certain man was wondering about her…

Luna shook her head violently and shooed away thoughts of Harry Potter. She looked once again towards Rolf and found that he was watching her intently, as he often did. The pair were entering into their eighth month of research and Luna was unsurprised to discover how steadily her regard for Rolf had grown over their time together. Luna found that it was simply _easy _to be around him and that he calmed her. After the last tumultuous relationship she had been in, Luna was initially unaware of how to spend such an extended amount of time with such easy a man as Rolf. He was kind and attentive to her, and he paid close attention to her needs. If Rolf sensed that Luna was the least bit cold, hungry, or bored, he was quickly handing her a cloak or warming tea or searching for something to divert her mind.

If Luna were truly honest with herself, sometimes she would admit that she knew Rolf had feelings for her. And though they had been travelling partners for eight months, and the fiasco of the Order party was nine months ago, Luna was not ready to pursue any sort of romantic relationship with anyone. Her pain over what Harry had done mostly revolved around his betrayal now, and Luna had come to the awful realization that his reluctance over being public with her was due to some paralyzing fear of what others would think. Luna had to work actively against finding fault in herself to answer the nagging question of _why_. But as time passed, the pain that was once so crippling and all-consuming had quieted to an ache. And now, so many months later, Luna barely felt that ache at all.

And despite her freedom from the sadness, Luna still found that she missed Harry terribly. Many nights she'd find herself wide awake, lying in her bed and staring at the canvas tent flap over head, wondering where Harry was and what he was doing. She was thankful for the silence that she had manufactured between the two of them as it helped her first overcome her heartbreak and secondly allow herself to let go of their relationship. But Luna missed the essence of Harry Potter. Despite his many shortcomings and all of his demons that she had to live with, Luna knew on a fundamental level that she would always love him. Harry filled a part of her soul that was missing and Luna had only truly felt complete during their short time together.

"A sickle for your thoughts," Rolf's voice sounded next to her and Luna let out a small laugh as she jumped. "I didn't mean to scare you," he said, smiling at her. Luna returned his smile and drew in a deep, happy breath. Rolf had sought out a small village of wizards and witches who resided deep within the forest that they were currently sitting in. Luna smiled at the memory of how excited he was explaining to her how they lived their lives as true naturalists and how they had said, yes, Luna and Rolf were welcome to come and stay, however long they wanted. And Rolf's happiness had become infectious so that Luna could not imagine being anywhere else than right here at that very moment.

"Isn't it wonderful here?" Rolf asked, glancing around at the several other witches and wizards who had drawn close to the campfire. Luna smiled happily at him.

"Yes, although I think you've said that about _every_ place that we've visited," she responded. Rolf chuckled.

"I think you're right but I can't help it. Every place that we've visited had been amazing. And this village is so wonderful. Can you imagine living this way, Luna? Waking up every morning to the forest and only finding food from what you can catch or gather. And their culture is so rich. Piotr has promised to share some of their myths with me tomorrow morning." Rolf glanced across the fire and Luna followed his gaze, landing on the boisterous man who claimed eldership over the small community. He was currently laughing, sending a rumbling and booming noise out through the forest, and stopped, only to pick up from which ever tale he was currently spinning.

Luna looked back at Rolf and found that he was once again watching her. She smiled at him and asked, "What is it?" Rolf pulled his bottom lip into his mouth and studied her face, his eyes roaming all over her features. Luna pulled her eyebrows together in confusion. It was so unlike Rolf to be at a loss for words and she idly wondered if something was the matter.

"I'm so glad that you agreed to come with me. I could have never imagined how thankful I'd be that you came," Rolf began and dropped his gaze to his hands. Luna watched as he ran his right thumb over a callous on his left palm. She imagined that his hands were rough, a testament to his being out in the field and his weekly break down and set up of their camp. Rolf didn't use magic when his own two hands could get the job done. Luna smiled softly. She wondered how her garden looked at that very moment.

"Luna, I… I need to tell you something," Rolf began again and looked back at Luna. At the sight of his face, Luna drew in a shuddering breath. Rolf was many things but he was terrible at hiding his emotions and Luna could see it written all over his eyes. She felt her head began to swim and attempted to think properly, despite the loud buzzing that suddenly filled her ears. Luna simply _knew _that Rolf was about to admit his feelings to her and now she felt panic creeping up her neck. _I'm not ready for this, _Luna chanted to herself.

"I think that you're amazing," he said. Luna began to nervously drum her fingers against her thighs. "You're the most intelligent girl- woman that I have ever met. You're funny and you're thoughtful and you notice _everything_. You're patient with me and you're kind… and I… I think that I'm falling in love with-"

Luna felt a wave of nausea overcome her as Rolf began to say those words. And, before she could fully think about what she was about to do, Luna placed both of her hands on either side of Rolf's face and pulled him to her, pushing her mouth against his in a desperate attempt to _not _hear what he was about to say.

Rolf stilled for an iota of a second in shock before placing both of his hands around Luna's waist and pulling her close to him. He opened his mouth and deepened the kiss and Luna was completely surprised to feel butterflies erupt in her tummy. For the first time in months, she felt freed and the mantle of sadness and distance that she wore felt lifted from her shoulders. And as they kissed, Luna continued to explore the feelings racing through her body. There was no guilt or trepidation or any feeling but lightness at her core and giddiness that she hadn't felt since… well, for a long time.

From across the fire, Luna heard Piotr's loud cheer and pulled back from Rolf, laughing, as the other villagers turned to witness their spectacle and too began to clap happily. Luna smiled up at Rolf and he smiled demurely back at her, his face three shades more red than Luna had ever seen. Rolf lifted his hand and smiled at the crowd, beckoning them to quiet down to which they began to cheer even louder. Luna laughed again and Rolf leaned down to her, his voice tickling her ear.

"Let's get out of here, okay?" he asked, and held out a hand to her. Luna glanced down at Rolf's hand and back up to his face. She knew that, no matter which way she decided, right now she was at a crossroads and nothing would ever be the same from here on out. Either, she would go with Rolf and figure out what may lay behind _that _door. Perhaps it would end with their trip, with Rolf being disappointed by Luna's reluctance to enter into a romantic relationship and Luna left with the guilt of not only betraying Harry, but breaking Rolf in the process. Or she could say no and the rest of their trip would be ruined by her rash decision and Rolf's disappointed hopes.

But maybe, for once, Luna could be selfish. Kissing Rolf had felt _good _and though she didn't return the feelings that he had for her, she did like him immensely. And more than that, Luna relished the sensation of not having a constant awareness of missing Harry in the back of her mind. When she and Rolf kissed, all thoughts of Harry had been cast aside and Luna did not have to actively fight herself for the accomplishment. Maybe Luna would see where this would go, and maybe she would be surprised.

Luna smiled at Rolf and slipped her hand into his. "Okay," she said softly and Rolf pulled her to her feet, sliding a protective arm around her waist. The pair turned, headed back to Luna's tent and as they disappeared from the firelight, Piotr let out a loud, "Goodnight you two," in his thick accent and Luna giggled as the rest of the villagers began to laugh and clap.


	28. Chapter 28

October 2005

"Xenophilius Lovegood's died," Ron announced, entering the small kitchen, his eyes running over the lines of a short missive. From the corner of his eye, Harry saw Hermione's head snap towards his direction to gauge for a reaction and though he couldn't deny the thoughts that began swarming around in his head, Harry focused on the mechanics of forcing his fork to his mouth. In that moment, Harry was unsure of how he felt – of how he _should _feel – and was unwilling to betray any emotion which would allow Hermione to begin analyzing his every move.

Ron moved further into the room, paused to press a kiss to his wife's cheek, and sat on the vacant chair to Harry's right. "Mum said he died in his sleep apparently. Peaceful. There won't be a funeral but apparently Luna's receiving visitors this weekend." Ron set the note on the table, offering it to either Hermione or Harry to read, and turned his attention to the spread of breakfast foods before him. Harry unwillingly met Hermione's eyes and the two stared at each other, waiting for the other to speak first. Hermione sighed, conceding.

"No one would be mad if… I mean to say, no one would blame you if-"

"If I didn't go?" Harry finished her thought for her.

"Yes, if you didn't go," Hermione said, standing. She bent towards the table to begin collecting the empty and dirty dishes but Ron snatched them out of her hands.

"No, you sit," he demanded and stuffed a last bit of toast into his mouth. Hermione rolled her eyes.

"I'm pregnant, Ron. I'm not sick or ill or unable to do the dishes," she protested but sat in her chair nonetheless. Ron turned and began clearing the table, allowing Hermione to turn her attention back to Harry. "You've come a long way, Harry. I'm just… I'm afraid that seeing her again or even being back near her house will undo all the progress you've made." Harry fought against the quick snare of anger that flared at Hermione's assumption that he would be easily undone and fall back into his old habits… but he pushed aside the anger and leveled his friend with a stare that he hoped convinced her of his sincerity.

"Hermione, I'd like to be there. It's the correct thing to do… not only for Luna but also to pay honor to Xenophilius' memory," Harry said and stood, pushing his chair back from the table. "He may have betrayed us but we all know that it was done thinking that Luna would be killed otherwise. And besides, for years before that, he was on our side. It's just… it's the right thing to do." Harry excused himself and walked towards his bedroom, across the house.

Fourteen months had passed since the day that Ron sought Harry out from his perch at the edge of Luna's property and though Harry felt every single day of Luna's absence from his life, he would be a liar if he said that he wasn't proud of the man he was today. Harry regarded his reflection and began to dress for the day, slipping his arms into a dress vest over his fitted business shirt and tie. An administrative day meant a day at the Ministry and no need for his typical Auror's garb. As Harry began to pull his tie into a knot, he turned from his mirror and glanced around his small room.

Shortly after his conversation with Ron all that time ago, he and Hermione had invited Harry to move into their home. Harry had begrudgingly agreed and finally accepted the reality of his situation – he desperately needed help. And so, he gave up his small apartment and moved in with his friends a broken drunkard with little to no money to his name. Harry still felt shame when he thought about how he had squandered his parent's inheritance so easily… and on what? Most of his money went towards supporting his party lifestyle and because he refused to work after the War, most of the money vanished. It was only by the grace of Kingsley Shacklebolt and the earnest promises of his friends that Harry had in fact turned a corner that he was granted an Auror's position, and only recently was Harry allowed away from a desk and to take part on the action in the field.

Harry's fingers slowed as they worked over the silk of his tie as his eyes landed on the folded letter on his small desk. "Miss Luna Lovegood" was scratched into the parchment by Harry's own hurried hand and Harry walked towards the letter. Tie forgotten, he picked up the sealed note and opened a side drawer, placing the letter delicately on top of a pile of others, all addressed to the same woman.

Soon after Harry moved in with Ron and Hermione, he had begun writing to Luna. At first, his intentions were to write to her and beg for her to come back to him, to forgive him, to take him back. Harry spent many nights desperately pouring his heart and soul into those early letters only to realize that he had no way of knowing how to reach her. Luna was so guarded in her whereabouts that Harry was forced to simply set the letters aside in hopes that one day he'd be able to give them to her.

But as time passed, Harry began using the letters as a catharsis and a way of self-therapy. Harry would write to Luna about _everything _– he'd write about his daily dealings at the Ministry or about what his friends were up to. More importantly, Harry would write to her when he felt the darkness creeping in again. He was always aware of it, as though it hung on just the edge of his periphery, and there were times when Harry wanted to give in and fall back into the abyss, swallowed whole by the despair and anger and anxiety. But at those very moments, he would lock himself into his small bedroom and pull a quill, ink, and parchment close and begin to pour himself out onto paper to her. And inexplicably, it worked every single time.

Harry frowned at the stacks of letters and pushed the drawer close. Who knew where Luna was right now and how she'd even be feeling. Harry had no idea the person she had become in all their months apart and could only find glimpses of her personality in _The Quibbler_. Luna was the consummate professional and betrayed no sign of her own personal life in her writings. As far as he knew, Luna had not been in contact with any of his friends or family and if she had, they were completely silent on that front. Harry wouldn't put any of them in the position to betray Luna's confidence and knew that he was not worthy of the knowledge if Luna did not want him to have it. If Luna ever wished for Harry to know how she had spent their time apart, she would be the one to tell him. No one else.

Harry paused briefly as he considered the idea that Luna may not even _want _him at her father's memorial service. The thought rendered a swift kick to his stomach and Harry felt momentarily gutted. Surely _someone _would have made it clear that he was unwelcome, right? Apparently Molly was either in contact with Luna herself or someone who was relaying the messages for her, and that sentiment would have been made known… right? And if he were perfectly honest with himself, why would Luna want to see Harry? Yes, time had passed and Harry had made serious strides to correct himself but Luna had no way of knowing that. For all Harry knew, Luna could very well think he was in a ditch outside of a bar somewhere, drowning in a pool of his own vomit and liquor.

No, someone would make it clear if he were unwelcome - either Molly or Ginny for sure. Though the two had finally made amends with each other, Ginny still held on to protectiveness when it came to Luna. Ginny's voice rang through his mind – _"You put your hands on her and she was _afraid _of you, Potter," Ginny accused, pushing her forefinger square into Harry's chest. "If I ever see you touch her or anyone like that again, I will cut off your fingers and place a curse on you so that you would wish you were dead." _Ginny had given Harry that promise and in the next breath thanked him for coming to her engagement party. Yes, if there was one person who would make certain that Harry knew he was unwelcome it was Ginerva Thomas.

From somewhere on the bottom level of the house, Harry heard Hermione calling his name. The two always travelled to work together using the Floo Network. Harry let out a breath and closed his door behind him.


	29. Chapter 29

October 2005

Luna stood at the entrance of the marquee tent that swallowed the length of her garden and smiled and nodded, greeting the surprising amount of visitors and accepting each one of their condolences herself. She was thankful for the ebb in what was a constant flow of people and Luna turned her focus to what was happening on the inside of the tent. The general crowd milled about, speaking to one another in hushed tones or eating and though Luna was unable to pick out any individual strand of conversation, she imagined they were inquiring after one another's children or careers, or repeating the oft said sentiment that it was terribly tragic what became of Xenophilius in the last years of his life.

Tragic, yes, Luna thought to herself, but she was so relieved at the same time. Luna felt unbelievable guilt at the very notion that she was glad for her father's death but could not deny the weight that had been lifted from her shoulders. Recognizing Xenophilius' condition came with the diagnosis that he would become progressively worse as the years went on and each time Luna visited her father, she found less and less of the man he used to be. So yes, Luna was relieved that he had died before he became a complete shell of his old self and that Luna could still remember the vibrant person he had once been. Luna was relieved that she had no children to shuffle back and forth between that grim hospice for the old and dying and that she did not have to draw lines between the grandfather they knew and the man who he actually was.

Luna was drawn out of her own thoughts at the sound of Rolf's voice from within the tent and watched as he struck up conversation with Dean and Ginny Thomas, introducing himself to the couple. Luna felt a new wave of guilt crash over her and for the first time in the past week, she stopped obsessing over her father and focused on Rolf. Her father's death had brought their extensive travels to an end and Luna felt the magic bubble that surrounded her and Rolf burst now that they were back to reality. Luna found it easy to become swept up in the whirlwind of her romance with Rolf as the two were camping in the depths of magical forests or sleeping under the vast expanse of stars in a desert… but now that she was home? Luna was faced with the very real possibility that she had no true attachment to Rolf other than he was an amazing man who cared for her deeply and was simply _there _for her when she needed to be distracted from the rest of her life. Luna cringed at how callous she had become.

For the past several months, Rolf told Luna daily that he was in love with her and in the last few weeks, he had begun speaking of marriage. Each declaration of his love made Luna either search for the easiest escape route away from him or had her throwing herself at him, hoping that sex would make him forget that she never once returned his sentiments, not even a little bit. And though the sex was great, Luna had long come to the realization that she would never love Rolf other than a friend who she slept with and she had mourned what could have been a lovely, lifelong friendship. But Luna ruined the possibility of that the first night she became physical with Rolf. Instead of sorting out her problems with Harry on her own time, Luna had chosen the path of least resistance and allowed distraction and denial to numb her pain. And now, here she was.

Each new mention of marriage, or moving in together, or living their lives together made Luna feel sick to her stomach and rather than initiate sex to stop the conversation, she simply began running away. Rolf never once held her accountable for her actions or accused her of avoiding him – that was simply his way and he was so good to her. Rolf allowed her the space that she needed and only when she was back and speaking to him again, would he tell her how much loved her and how he wanted to marry her once their book was published. Luna refused to analyze the reasoning behind _why_ she was unable to reciprocate Rolf's feelings because she knew that would be a painful road to go down. She simply knew that she could not stomach the idea of serious attachment between the two of them.

The sound of voices coming up the trail to the marquee drew Luna out of her own mind and she glanced down the path to the new wave of visitors. Luna smiled warmly as Hermione Granger and Ron Weasley made their way to her and murmured a soft, "Thank you," as the pair offered their condolences. Luna's eyes dropped to Hermione's prominent belly and smiled happily at the two, offering her own congratulations sincerely, despite the grimness of the day. Ron pressed a kiss to Luna's cheek and Hermione rested her hand on Luna's arm briefly, before turning and walking into the tent. Luna watched the couple make their way through the assembly and wondered how much had actually changed since she had been away. Hermione and Ron were expecting their first child, Ginny married Dean Thomas, Neville was being considered for Headmaster of Hogwarts… Luna felt a bone deep sadness settle over her as she realized the weight of her decision to _not _maintain correspondence with anyone since she had been away.

Luna pulled her gaze away from Ron and Hermione and turned back towards the entrance of the tent and nearly jumped out of her skin. Harry was standing in front of her and she had no idea when he had come up the path or how long he had been standing there, watching her. At the sight of her jumping, Harry instantly reacted by reaching his hand out as if to steady her but before he made contact with her skin, he pulled back. Luna was at the same time both grateful for his maintained distance and dismayed that the two were now merely strangers to one another. As soon as the initial shock wore away, Luna was able to take in the man standing before her and Luna drew in a shuddering breath as she realized how good he looked. Harry looked healthy, the gauntness of his cheeks and the purpled circles under his eyes looked as though they had long disappeared. His face had color and a healthy fullness that Luna had not seen on him since their time at Hogwarts.

"You're not wearing glasses," Luna blurted out before she could stop herself. Harry smiled and Luna noticed that his shoulders relaxed, as though he were holding tension in his muscles and her inane observation gave him permission to be easy around her.

"I, er, yeah. No glasses… contacts. They're these Muggle things. Little bits of plastic that you put on your eyes and…" Harry trailed off, realizing how utterly stupid he sounded, rambling on about Muggles at Luna's father's memorial service. He ran a nervous hand through his hair and Luna was forced to take in his appearance again, noticing how well kept he now looked. Though she had always found him attractive, Harry now seemed to take more care in his appearance. His hair was newly cut and styled, and his suit seemed very finely made. Luna bit her bottom lip in an attempt to save herself from bursting forth with any more observations on his appearance.

For his part, Harry could barely stop his hands from shaking now that he was finally in front of her and all he wanted to do was wrap his arm around her waist and hold her close. He would bury his head down into the crook of her neck and breathe deeply, taking in the perfume of wildflowers and Luna that he had been dreaming of all these past months.

Despite the occasion, Luna looked beautiful. Her hair had taken on a golden hue rather than its normal blonde-white and her arms and chest were tanned. Luna was wearing a simple yellow dress, the exact shade of the petals of a sunflower, which hugged her form in a way that reminded Harry of how intimately he used to know her. She was absolutely beautiful and perfect, and Harry felt simultaneously devastated and elated. She watched him steadily with her big eyes and he had no idea what to say to her other than, "I'm so sorry for your loss."

Luna let out a soft sigh, disappointed, and yet she had no idea what she expected or wanted to hear from Harry. She kept catching hints of his cologne each time the breeze traipsed by and being so close to him was making her dizzy. Motion in the corner of her eye caught her attention and Luna watched as Rolf began making his way towards the pair. Luna motioned to him that she was fine, that he didn't need to come over, and yet that seemed to spur his march towards her.

"Luna," he said, as he reached the two. Rolf spared one disgusted look towards Harry before turning his full attention towards her. "Are you okay? May I get you something to drink?"

Harry watched the way Rolf regarded Luna and began to realize that something more was going on between the two of them. Rolf no longer moved around her as a professional business associate or even the way a pair of friends of the opposite sex would interact. There was an intimacy in the way that Rolf watched her and though Harry had prepared himself for the very real possibility that the next time he saw Luna she would be involved with another person, Harry felt as though his heart had been wrenched from his chest. But Harry also felt a small tinge of pride when he realized that blinding anger hadn't taken over. He'd long come to terms with the fact that Luna deserved every happiness in life, even if he was not the person who made it possible.

Clearing his throat, Harry muttered a soft, "Excuse me," and moved away from the pair, searching the marquee for Ron. As soon as Harry was out of ear shot, Luna turned angrily to Rolf and glared at him. To his credit, Rolf had the good sense to take a step away from her.

"I was fine," Luna said through gritted teeth. "I know that you saw me motioning that you should stay back. What was that, Rolf?"

Rolf blinked down at Luna in obvious confusion and his cheek began to turn a light shade of pink. "I thought you wouldn't want to see _him_ after what-"

"My God, Rolf. Let it go. That was over a year ago. He and I were bound to see one another at some point and what, did you think that he'd start pushing me around? We're at my father's funeral for Merlin's sake. You've done nothing but hover over me and I cannot take it anymore. I need space. I can barely breathe with you around," Luna hissed. Rolf stared at her stunned and before she could begin to feel guilty for her outburst, she turned on her heel and made her way back to her house.

Luna burst through the door of her home and slammed the entrance shut behind her, and began a mad dash through the various rooms of her house. She began panicking under the weight of the death of her father, seeing Harry, and having Rolf constantly around her. Everything was suddenly too much. Luna stopped her pacing and found that she was in her father's old study, a room that she barely visited since her father had begun his steady decline.

The room was tiny and attached haphazardly to the side of the house, as if it was a sudden afterthought from Xenophilius when the house was nearly constructed. Three of the walls were lined completely with bookshelves, save for the break of the door. The fourth wall was a massive window that looked out over the expanse of the forest that surrounded her home on one side. Luna took in a deep, shuddering breath and relished the scent of the old books that her father loved the smell of damp soil that sustained the many potted plants that hung from the ceiling and window pane. Luna crossed the length of the small room and gazed out of the window, crossing her arms over her abdomen and willing the adrenaline pumping through her veins to slow. She had no idea where the sudden rage had come from – whether it was the built up anxiety over the months of Rolf's unwanted emotional advances or the stress over her father or… or the fact that she had seen Harry again and could not force herself to hate him.

The door opened behind her, and Luna heard steps crossing over the threshold. "Rolf, I told you that I needed space," Luna snapped, refusing to look at the unwanted intruder. The footsteps paused and Luna froze as Harry's voice filled the silent air.

"I'm not Rolf but I'll leave. I just wanted to make sure that you were okay," he said softly. Luna heard something soft land on her father's desk. "I have… I have letters here for you. Read them or don't. It's up to you. But they were for you, they belong to you, and now that you're back… Well, I just felt as though you should have them." Luna heard Harry turn and leave the room, the door clicking softly into place. At once she spun around and looked to the desk. There had to be a bundle of at least two hundred letters bound in a neat, tight stack, each addressed to her by Harry's untidy scrawl. Luna sucked in a quick breath before ripping at the string that held the letters together and grabbed the first one on the pile, breaking the wax seal and sinking into the worn armchair that sat behind the desk.

The letter was dated only a few days ago and as Luna read Harry's words, her heart began to beat wildly.

_Luna,_

_I found out today that you'll be back sometime this week. I am so sorry that your Dad died but I can't lie and say that I'm not ecstatic about the possibility of seeing you again. It has been so long since I've seen you that I sometimes think that what our time together was a dream and I've woken up and been living a nightmare. I don't blame you for not contacting me or wanting to speak to me. I deserve it all. But I miss you so damn much that it hurts to breathe sometimes. But now I may have the chance to run into you at a shop or at a restaurant and I'll be reminded that you are real._

_Do you even want to see me? I have no idea. Hermione said that it probably is best if I stay away… no one had any idea of what you've been up to or how you've been feeling. I've already made up my mind that I will be coming to the memorial service. Of course if you ask me to stay away, I will. But your father was a good man despite what happened. He was always on the right side from the start and he was smart and… well, he was your father. If that doesn't speak for itself, I don't know what will. _

_I miss you, Luna. And I'm sorry. I'm sorry for not treating you the way that you deserve to be treated. I'm sorry that I was too much of a coward to not pursue you the way that you should be pursued. I'm sorry that I was an alcoholic and I let myself get out of control. I will never forgive myself for hurting you and I hate myself daily because of it. You were the best part of my life and I let you go. I know that nothing I say can make it right but I wish you could see what I've become. I've finally got my act together. I stopped drinking and I got a job. I'm an Auror now – finally! Can you believe it? I think that, if we were in another life or another time, you'd be proud of the man I've become. _

_Ron said I shouldn't bother giving you the letters. He said it isn't fair to you – especially if you've moved on. I'm still on the fence about it. I'll see how I feel the morning of the memorial service. Despite the circumstances, I can't wait to see you. _

- _Harry_

Luna read the letter once more and sank back against her father's old leather chair. Harry had clearly not written the letter with the initial intention of it being read by anyone but Harry, let alone the intended recipient. Harry's writing was hurried, as if he had to get the words out of his brain and onto paper as quickly as possible. Ink blots stained the page at various points and there was smeared ink everywhere, as though he continued to write without waiting for the previous paragraph to dry. Luna dug to the bottom of the pile, to what she hoped was the first letter, and popped through the seal. Sure enough it was dated merely days after she had left for her trip with Rolf.

Luna stared at the pile of letters in disbelief. Harry had to have written her at least two times each week since she had been gone – the evidence of it was before her. Luna looked back to the crumpled, open letter in her hand and quickly reread the third paragraph again. A mixture of confusion and excitement and anger swirled around in her head and tummy with the butterflies that had taken flight in the pit of her gut, and Luna suddenly felt breathless. For so long, she refused to think about how she would feel if and when she came face to face with Harry. A large part of her assumed that she would easily slip into a hateful disregard for him and now she had no idea what to do with herself because she felt the exact opposite. Luna was obviously still in love with him – that much was abundantly clear – and for better or worse, she wanted to become acquainted with the man he had grown into over their separation.

Luna jumped to her feet and quickly crossed the room. As soon as her hands wrapped around the door knob, she was yanking it open and calling his name out, hoping that he hadn't returned to the garden. And Luna was once again stunned into silence because there he was, across from her and leaning against the hallway wall, his hands shoved deeply into his pockets. He looked up at her curiously and pushed himself up and away from the wall. Luna dropped her hand from the door and swallowed.

"I… I read one of your letters," she said stupidly, suddenly completely aware of herself and nervous in a way that she had not been since the very first time at Hogwarts that she spent an amount of time alone with Harry. She stepped back into her father's study, indicating that he could come in and he did, shutting the door slowly behind him. Luna backed up so that her legs touched her father's desk and she sat against it, watching Harry as he looked around the room.

"I wasn't sure if I should give them to you… especially given you and Rolf," Harry said quietly. He stopped glancing around the room and brought his eyes to Luna, watching her for any sort of emotion or response. But if she felt any nervousness or unease at his close proximity, she did not betray it. As far as Harry could tell, Luna was the same calm and collected woman that he had known for years. "Anyway, I started writing to you a long time ago. The first ones are more like letters and the later ones are like… diary pages, I suppose," Harry admitted laughing. "Writing to you was like therapy," Harry said, shrugging. His laughter died as he began to study Luna's face and he swallowed. Harry took a hesitant step towards her and Luna stiffened slightly.

"Luna, I… Can I just be honest with you? I know that you and Rolf are probably together and I'm not saying this with any intention of changing your mind or trying to convince you away from him… I just… I love you. I have always loved you and I will always love you. I am certain of that," Harry said, taking another step towards Luna. He was so close now that if she lifted her hand, she could touch the lapel of his suit jacket.

"I didn't deserve you back then and I certainly don't deserve you now. But I am becoming a better man because I am trying to be the sort of person who could deserve you. And I'm not even close but I am trying. You made me a better man because you loved me however briefly, and I will never get over that. I will never get over you. Nothing that I can say or do will ever change how I acted and every single day, I try to make up for hurting you… because you were the best part of me and I single handedly ruined everything. I am so sorry," Harry said, pausing to take in a breath.

"I'm not here to ask for your forgiveness because you don't owe me anything on that end. And I'm not here to ask for you back. In a way, I hope that you've moved on because it means that you're happy and that's all I want for you. But I also want you to know that you are it for me. I will never love another person the way that I love you. And if someday, even if it is a hundred years down the road, if you decide that you want me… I will be there, waiting for you." Harry stopped speaking and watched Luna for a moment. He offered her a small smile. "Thanks for listening to me… I just needed to get that out. You look beautiful. I don't know if I mentioned that to you," he said.

Luna stared at Harry, her heart hammering wildly in her chest. For a fleeting moment, Luna wished that there were some way that Harry's little speech could have been recorded because Luna was certain she would spend the next few months trying to remember every single word that he had just uttered to her. And as she was thinking that, she realized that Harry was turning to leave again. Luna reached out and grabbed at him, both of her hands clenching firmly around the lapels of his suit jacket and before she could fully consider her options, she was pulling him towards her.

Harry reached Luna's body and his hands automatically landed on her thighs, pushing her further back onto the desk she was sitting on. Harry felt her hands travel up his chest, across his shoulders, and wrap around the back of his neck as she brought her mouth to his and began to kiss him. And Harry felt a frenzy come over him. His hands greedily travelled the length of her legs and he gripped at her waist, while Luna's hands unlocked themselves from around him and began to tear at his clothing. Harry broke their kiss and stared at Luna, assessing her reaction.

"Luna," he whispered, hating himself for stopping but also desperate to know where she was at with all of this.

Luna stared up at Harry, momentarily stunned by how green his eyes were and wondered how she'd never realized how many different shades there were. But the sound of her name on his voice brought her back to the present. Luna had no idea what would come of this and dreaded the aftermath with Rolf… but at that very moment all she knew was that she needed to be with Harry. So, as her response, she moved her body closer to him, the skirt of her dress catching against the wooden desk and revealing more of her legs. Luna placed both of her hands on either side of Harry's face and pulled him back to her.


	30. Chapter 30

November 2005

Luna stared up at her ceiling and watched as shadows danced across the paint. Mere days before she left with Rolf, Luna decided that it was time to get rid of the childish mural that she created so long ago while in Hogwarts. Painting over Harry's face had been cathartic in a way and though Luna did not regret her decision, at that very moment she found that she missed gazing up at him… his face painted exactly the way that she used to dream about him when they were young. Luna moved her eyes across her newest creation – a painting that reflected the summer stars of the night sky as seen from her garden – and sighed. She rolled onto her side and faced Rolf's back, hunched over in sleep.

Luna listened to the sound of his steady breathing and counted the seconds that he took between exhaling and inhaling. She would regret breaking Rolf's heart – she knew that with certainty. If circumstances were different or if they had simply been born in a different life, Luna thought that Rolf would be a perfect match for her. He was steady and sweet and patient in a way that Luna did not deserve… but everything had changed again.

Luna squeezed her eyes shut and sent apologetic thoughts towards his sleeping form. And, until she mustered her courage, Luna repeated, "_Please don't hate me_," over and over again until…

"Rolf," she said, her voice breaking through the night's silence. Rolf jumped awake and Luna watched as he gained awareness of his surroundings. Rolf did not turn to face her, for which Luna was grateful, but he turned his head slightly up.

"Luna?" he replied. "Are you awake?"

Luna waited a beat and then said, "I slept with Harry at the memorial service."

Rolf took in a deep breath and blew it out. "Do you regret it?" he asked.

"No, I don't think that I do."

Rolf sat up in bed and turned to look down at her. Luna felt him watching her through the darkness of her bedroom and she held her breath. Rolf sat silently for a long while, simply watching her.

"Are you going back to him?" he asked.

"I don't know. Right now… I don't think so," she replied.

"Do you love me?" he asked quietly.

"No," Luna said and then added a meek, "I'm sorry for that."

Rolf pushed himself out of the bed and stood. Slowly, he gathered his clothing and began to dress. Luna turned onto her back and regarded her constellations once again while listening to the sounds of Rolf leaving. Luna was vaguely aware of him turning back to face her and she cringed when he began to speak, his voice cracking.

"You're too good for him and he doesn't deserve you… but I'm not going to beg for you. I feel like I've done nothing but try to convince you to pick me for the past year and a half. I could've made you happy, Luna. We could've been great together. And I think that you're really stupid for taking him back-"

"I don't know that I am taking him back," Luna began but Rolf cut her off.

"Don't do me any favors in trying to spare my feelings. Just be honest and call a spade a spade," Rolf snapped, the sadness in his voice replaced with harsh anger. Rolf strode towards the door but paused before leaving. "And you're a real bitch for leading me on like you did. You know that, right?" Rolf slammed the door and Luna listened to him make his way out of her house. She jumped as she heard the front door slam shut and the windows rattle in their panes.


	31. Chapter 31

August 2006

Luna wiped the mulch from her knees and stretched her arms over her head, sighing as the tension popped from her back and joints. She smiled down at her garden and relished the progress that she had made that afternoon. It felt so good to be back home after all of her time spent away and despite all of the madness that seemed to be peering at her from around the corner, Luna forgot it all when she was outside, working amongst her plants. The summer was quickly coming to an end and already Luna mourned the long and sunny days that would soon retire for the length of the winter. Perhaps then, when she was stuck inside her house for those long, dark months, she would figure out just exactly what she should do with herself… but until then…

Luna pulled off her gardening gloves and removed her wide brimmed hat, dropping the articles of clothing on a small weed pile and turned to head inside the house. Four weeks had passed since she confessed to Rolf and a week longer still since she had last seen Harry. She was reluctant to head down that particular road as she still had no idea how exactly to feel about Harry since their untoward reunion. She still loved him – that was abundantly obvious – but whether it was wise to pursue _any _sort of relationship with him, let alone romantic, was still a mystery to her.

But in all the elapsed time, Luna still had not pursued any of his letters after that initial one in her father's study. The bundle, now neatly retied with a length of twine – sat on her bedside table collecting dust. Luna assumed that she would eventually make her way through his letters but again, that was simply not an area of her life that she wished to pursue.

And mercifully, she had work to do. The morning after Rolf left, Luna awoke with a gripping fear and the realization that he may very well dismiss her of her obligations to their book. Though their relationship had steered very much away from a professional partnership, Luna had devoted over a year of her life to the study of the botany in the many parts of the world that they visited. For Rolf to suddenly render her role in their venture obsolete would be devastating and Luna panicked over the countless hours of research, wasted…

But as the consummate gentleman, Rolf _had _been in correspondence with her regarding their project albeit not directly. Not two days after he left, Luna received a letter from someone – his agent, perhaps? – who explained that Mr. Scamander would be working diligently on his portion of the book and would Miss Lovegood please extend the same courtesy? After reading that letter, Luna sighed a breath of relief and thanked Rolf silently, for now she was excused from deciding what to do about Harry. _If _there was anything to do about Harry.

The moment that Luna crossed the threshold into her house, she heard the bell from the front ring and she yelled out, "Come in!" assuming that it was one of Rolf's associates dropping off editorial notes and the his latest portion of the book.

"Hello, Luna," Ginny said and Luna jumped and spun around, facing one person who she never imagined would darken her doorstep. "I almost wrote to say that I was intending on dropping by… but then I thought that you'd tell me to stay away." Ginny smiled at Luna and all Luna could do was blink in confusion. Ginny pulled a chair out from under Luna's kitchen table and sat, glancing around at the various bunches of herbs that were hanging from the ceiling to dry.

"Ginny… I…" Luna began but found that she had no idea what exactly she wanted to say. Ginny smiled again and watched Luna curiously. "Would you like some tea?" she finally asked.

"Thank you but no. It's rather hot outside," Ginny responded. Luna vaguely nodded, still perplexed, and leaned back against her kitchen counter, watching the youngest Weasley with apprehension. The two women had always been friendly with one another while in school but with everything that had happened with Harry, Luna had no idea what Ginny's true feelings about her were.

"I'm here to talk about Harry," Ginny said bluntly. Luna felt her defenses spring to life instantly.

"I really don't want to talk about him," Luna responded shortly.

Ginny chuckled softly and nodded her head. "Yes, I thought that would be your reply which further reinforces my decision to just show up. But the truth is that something needs to be said about him and as no one else has the guts to do it, here I am."

Luna furrowed her eyebrows in confusion. "I really have no idea what you're talking about."

"Harry's changed. Okay? That's the short of it. And hopefully the fact that I'm the one here to tell you that will count for something." At Luna's blank stare, Ginny rolled her eyes. "Look, I saw what he did to you at the Order party and it was messed up. We didn't find out until later what was going on between the two of you and to be perfectly honest, if I were in your situation, I think I would've killed him."

Luna felt her cheeks burn red with shame. "Thank you for your sympathy and compassion, but again… I really don't want to talk about this," she said.

Ginny waved her hand, dismissing Luna's remark. "I'm not meaning to be condescending but it's the truth." Ginny's voice became serious. "You did not deserve what he did to you. You're a great person, Luna… and he should never have lied to you… to any of us… about your relationship. We all would have accepted it… eventually. And he had a pretty serious drinking problem. I knew it and I expect that you knew it too. He let himself get out of control that night and I saw your face when he was pushing you up against that wall. I shouldn't be the one here talking to you about this… _he _should be-"

"You're right. You shouldn't be the one talking to me about this," Luna snapped. "I have relived that week over and over again and it was hell. It happened to me. I remember everything that happened… every single excruciating detail." Luna took in a deep breath. "Do you have a point in being here?"

"I do. Just hear me out," Ginny replied. Luna opened her mouth but Ginny began again. "Please, Luna. I don't blame you for never wanting to see him again or any of us or even hear about him. But I don't think it would be fair for you to go on with the rest of your life without hearing this. I believe that Harry loves you… a lot. He's a completely new person now and I think he's made all of his changes trying to be a better person for you… as if he's trying to deserve you and atone for how he treated you all in one go."

Luna sighed. "Ginny…" she began, rubbing her fingers against her temples. She suddenly had a splitting headache.

"I'm not saying this to convince you of anything. It's just… it's the truth, okay? And it's not exactly easy for me to be sitting here telling you this either. I was engaged to him… don't forget about that little detail. And he was going through his… _whatever_ while we were together too. Do you think that I don't realize that I wasn't a good enough reason for him to change? Because I do and it is painful, even after all this time," Ginny said softly. Luna dropped her hands to her side and watched Ginny with caution. Ginny was right – Luna had not realized what it must have taken for her to come here…

"But he's a new man and it is because of you. He doesn't drink anymore at all. After everything, he gave up his flat and moved in with Ron and Hermione because he did not trust himself alone and wanted to make sure that he had no opportunities to slip. He is an Auror… has been for nearly half a year… and I think we can both agree that it couldn't have been an easy feat for Harry to convince Kingsley Shacklebolt that he deserved that kind of job. Not after everything… And Harry came to each one of us and apologized. Merlin, he and I spoke for _hours _just about everything and what had happened…"

Ginny paused and shook her head, attempting to focus. "I'll say it again, Luna. I'm not trying to persuade you to take him back. But I think that you of all people deserve the best chance at making an informed decision… If you decide to be completely done with Harry, that's your choice and you'd be making it with your eyes open." Ginny stood. "I would not have come here without being absolutely convinced of everything I've just said. He loves you, Luna."

Ginny stepped out from between the chair and the table, and turned to leave the way that she came in. Luna covered her eyes with her hands, unsure of what to think or even of what to do.

"Oh, and Luna? Thank you for your wedding gift… it was lovely. Where'd you find it?"

Luna dropped her hands from her face and looked at Ginny in momentary confusion. How could a person go from turning her personal life upside down to discussing plants?

"What? Oh. It's a flower from South Africa… a desert flower. It isn't magical naturally… but I put a preserving charm on it. Just make sure to put it in direct sunlight…. No other care needed," she responded as if she were a robot. Ginny smiled at her.

"I swear Dean's in love with it. He's borrowing a ton of books from Neville and won't stop talking about gardening now… thanks to you, I s'pose," Ginny responded.

Luna smiled meekly. "I saw the color of the petals and instantly thought of your hair," she confessed. Ginny nodded.

"Dean said the exact same thing. Anyway, goodbye," Ginny said and with that, she was gone.

Luna stood in her empty kitchen for a long while after her unwanted guest departed, staring at the same spot on a cracked tile on her floor and did not move. Finally, after the setting sun began to cast long shadows across the walls, Luna pushed herself away from her perch and glanced around the darkening room. At the back of a bookshelf, covered with at least a half inch worth of dust, Luna found the long forgotten bottle of wine and she moved to grab it.

Luna wasn't typically a drinker, but she'd need some courage if she was going to get through her task tonight. Bottle in hand, Luna ascended the steps of her house until finally she reached her bedroom at the top of the staircase. Luna plopped down on the side of the bed and took a long look at the bundle of letters that were staring at her, expectantly. Uncorking the bottle, she took a long swig of the dry red and cringed at its bitter bite. She set the wine down next to Harry's letters with a clunk and reached for the pile, setting it in her lap. Luna felt the weight of them against her legs and she hesitated – did she really want to do this? Was it really worth it… to pick the scab off of this wound and see what lay beneath?

With a deep breath, Luna picked up the bottom most of the letters and broke the seal. It was dated one day after she left.

_Luna. _

_Where are you? I'm going absolutely insane… _


	32. Chapter 32

August 2006

Harry walked through the front door and was instantly bombarded by a room filled with pink and purple streamers and balloons and began to feel as though _he _were suddenly a baby, and not just a celebrant of the soon to arrive Granger-Weasley. Harry turned to his best friend and fixed him with a side long glance.

"I'm guessing that you're having a daughter," Harry said dryly. Ron shrugged as though embarrassed but Harry could tell by his smile that he was truly excited. Harry clapped a hand onto Ron's shoulder and the two men made their way further into the Burrow where the shower was being held.

"Mum went a little overboard… I guess after six boys and only one girl, granddaughters are basically miracles," Ron replied. "I can't really blame her but she did promise that this would be the type of shower that a man could attend and not feel... _weird_." The two entered into the family room, into the party proper. With all of the attendees and the general over decoration of Molly Weasley, the Burrow seemed impossibly small and Harry glanced out a window to the back garden, hoping to see an indication that the party could or would be moved outside.

"I'm guessing that's where we're meant to be," Harry said, nodding his chin towards the window. Outside, the rest of the Weasley brothers milled about, ales in hand. Ron followed Harry's gaze and nodded earnestly.

"Let me say hi and then I'll meet you out there," Ron said before slipping away to find his wife. Harry cast another glance around the room and chuckled softly to himself. Molly had covered every single open surface with baby decorations… crepe paper flowers hung from strings overhead, every table surface was filled with confetti shaped like tiny little bottles…

"Hey there, welcome to the madness," a voice said from behind and Harry turned, smiling down at Ginny. "What'd you think?" she asked, motioning to the general girly-ness of the room.

Harry laughed. "It's all very _feminine_," he responded and Ginny nodded, smiling.

"Mum's excited… but I secretly think Ron is over the moon about the whole thing," she said, looking towards her brother who was standing behind a very pregnant Hermione, beaming. Harry agreed with her – he'd never seen his friend look so content and that included the day of his wedding.

"Just wait until their daughter is ready to start dating," Harry remarked and Ginny laughed.

"Oh, Merlin. Please don't bring that thought up to him… I think his head would explode," Ginny said and turned back to Harry. "I just wanted to tip you off that Luna is supposedly coming today. Mum put me in charge of the invitations and she RSVP'd yes."

At the mention of Luna's name, Harry felt his stomach do a back flip and couldn't decide if he was excited or suddenly ill. He swallowed hard and nodded. "Oh, okay. Thanks." Ginny narrowed her eyes as she studied his face.

"You haven't seen her, have you?" she asked with an accusing tone. Harry shook his head.

"No… not since her Dad died," he said quietly. Ginny's jaw dropped.

"What's wrong with you?"

"What'd you mean, what's wrong with me," Harry snapped, suddenly defensive.

"You've done all of this," Ginny said, motioning towards him. "And you haven't tried to make things right?"

Harry frowned at Ginny. "Step off, Gin. It's up to her now. If she wants to seek me out, great. But if not… I at least owe her that right," Harry said, stepping back from Ginny. "Now, if you'll excuse me."

Ginny rolled her eyes and let out her breath in a huff. "And to think I wasted an _entire _afternoon singing your praises… but hey, far be it from me or anyone else to tell Harry Potter when he's got his head up his arse-"

Harry froze and turned back towards Ginny, his entire body rigid and tense. "What did you just say?" Harry asked through clenched teeth. Ginny rolled her eyes again.

"Obviously you heard me-"

Harry stepped even closer towards Ginny and glared down at her. "What gave you the right?!"

"Oh, I don't know… maybe I didn't have the right to go talk to her but maybe I was tired of watching you-"

"Oi, oi, oi," Ron said, stepping between the two and placing his arms around both of their shoulders, and turned them away from the party where more than a few people were starting to look their way. "Come now. You really don't want little Rose to hear about how her Uncle Harry and Auntie Gin nearly had it out at her shower, do you?" Ron pressed a kiss to Ginny's forehead, who was still glaring at Harry.

"Give my apologies to Rosie but also remind her that her Uncle here is a daft ass," Ginny said and ducked away from Ron's arm and returned to the party. Ron chuckled and turned to his friend.

"She's got a point, mate," Ron conceded and Harry narrowed his eyes at Ron. "Is this about the Luna thing?"

Harry's jaw dropped. "You knew? You knew and you didn't tell me?"

Ron merely shrugged. "It's not like I've been busy with other things like, oh you know, preparing for the arrival of my daughter but yes. I knew. To my credit, I told Gin that it wasn't a good idea and that you'd react exactly like this but I can't say that I disagree with why she did it." Ron smiled at his friend. "You deserve a second chance from her."

"I don't deserve _anything_ from her," Harry snapped.

"Let yourself off of the hook, would you? From what I understand, Ginny just told her what you've been up to since she left. How would she have found out otherwise?"

Harry groaned and ran his fingers through his hair. "It never ends well when you guys interfere," he muttered. He took in a deep breath and willed himself to calm down and let go of the anger that Ginny had conjured. Harry only began to speak again when he felt the pounding pressure in his temples subside.

"See?" Ron said, happily. "What you did just there. Two years ago and you would have flipped a table and slugged me." Ron's voice became serious again. "And maybe you don't deserve anything from her… but she sure as hell deserves to have the whole picture of you now. And look – perfect timing. There she is." Ron nodded towards Luna, who had just emerged into the pink and purple of the living room. Ron squeezed Harry's shoulder before disappearing behind him.

Luna looked around, instantly overstimulated by everything that was going on. All around her, women were chattering and laughing excitedly and every single inch of the room seemed to shimmer with a general pinkness… Luna's survey stopped instantly when she noticed Harry standing across the room, in the doorway between the party and inner kitchen. He was staring at her as if he'd seen a ghost and Luna felt her cheeks instantly warm.

Shaking her head and forcing herself to focus, Luna made her way to the center of the room to greet and congratulate Hermione. The two women exchanged pleasantries and small talk before Hermione's attention was whisked away by the next well-wisher. Luna made her way to the edge of the room and wondered how long she would have to stay before she could excuse herself without seeming rude… Being in the same house as Harry made her head swim and the sudden nervousness sent her hands trembling. Luna had spent the last two weeks reading and rereading every single one of Harry's letters to her, and with each passing day, she felt more and more like a young girl with a silly crush.

The very thought of him sent butterflies erupting in her tummy and now that he was actually _here_, somewhere… Luna closed her eyes and steadied herself.

"Luna?" His low voice sounded right next to her right ear and Luna could feel his breath tickle against her skin. She jumped and let out a small yelp and felt Harry's hand against her arm, steadying her balance. Luna briefly wondered if Ginny had not come to her, if his touching her arm like that would have sent her into a panic… Luna opened her eyes and turned, coming face to face with Harry for the first time in weeks. She sighed softly.

Harry's very appearance devastated her. Apparently his circular glasses were a thing of the past because once again he was looking at her without them. His eyes were so green and Luna noticed how clear they looked, how she could see his emotions flitting across this pupils… Harry looked good. There was no haze of darkness surrounding him and no drunkenness to cloud over his features.

Harry dropped his hand from Luna's arm and she instantly moved closer to him, mourning the loss of contact. Harry's eyebrows lifted in surprise and he stepped back, opening the distance between the two of them once more.

"May I speak with you?" he asked. "Alone? Well, just through there… in the kitchen," he clarified, nodding with his head towards the same door way that he just occupied. "We won't be totally alone…" Luna must have seemed confused as his sudden obsession with isolation because Harry added, "I just want you to feel safe." And he led her back into the kitchen.

Luna entered into Molly Weasley's kitchen and took a seat at the long kitchen table. Harry continued to maintain a safe distance and leaned back against the kitchen sink, watching Luna with wary eyes. He seemed troubled and Luna couldn't account for it. The last time they were alone together, they couldn't keep their hands off each other. The very air between them seemed charged with frantic energy. _Perhaps that's why he's staying away. He regrets what happened_, Luna thought.

"I just want to apologize for Ginny," Harry said, interrupting Luna's troubled thoughts. "I didn't know that she came to see you until a few moments ago. I definitely didn't give her permission to do that or to say whatever it was that she did." Harry's voice dropped down and Luna got the impression that he was confessing to her. "I'm not trying to convince you of my character… and I don't want you to feel like I'm manipulating you by sending my family after you."

Luna opened her mouth to respond but Harry shook his head, pleading with her to let him go on. "I'm sorry about what happened at the memorial… I should have stopped it before it began. It was inappropriate and I should have given you space. It won't happen again, I promise. And whatever Ginny said… just forget it, okay?"

Luna finally found her voice and interrupted. "She said that you were a completely new man and it was because of me," she said and then in a softer voice, "That it was for me." Harry looked up at her, caught off guard by the sound of her voice.

"Well," he said, suddenly unsure of what to say. He pushed himself away from the counter and crossed his arms over his chest. "Luna, I meant every single word that I said to you that day… but I'm also painfully aware of all of the shit I've put you through in the past few years. I guess Ginny is right… I am a better man now because…" Harry paused, frowning down at his shoes. Luna watched him collect his thoughts and when he looked back at her, his face was resolute. "I'm taking myself out of the running. Rolf seems like a good person and it's obvious that he loves you. You deserve happiness after what we've been through and it seems like the two of you could be happy together. You don't have to worry about me interfering anymore."

Harry moved towards the door that led out to the back garden and Luna became vaguely aware of the figures out on the lawn. Harry nodded towards her. "I'll be seeing you around, Luna," he said, and stepped outside. Luna watched him go and felt the world suddenly closing in around her. She couldn't breathe.


	33. Chapter 33

March 2007

Harry shifted uncomfortably in his chair and attempted to sneak a sly glance at his watch. Only fifteen minutes had elapsed and he hoped that the disappointment that pitted in the bottom of his stomach did not show on his face. Across from him sat Elodie Mercier, a French transplant who had recently begun work in the same department as Hermione.

"She's such a lovely person, Harry," Hermione had said, "Give her a chance. And who knows? You may find that you are ready after all." And after several weeks of persistent nagging and not so subtle hinting, Harry had finally broken down and agreed to take Elodie out for dinner. Hermione nearly squealed with happiness and Harry found her excitement infectious. The days leading up to their date had Harry nervous and giddy in a way that he had not felt in years. But now that he was here, in the moment? He'd rather be anywhere else.

It wasn't that Elodie was boring or snobbish or anything negative. In fact, she was altogether stunning. Harry decided that she was really quite beautiful and studied her as she picked quietly at her salad. She had thick chestnut hair that hung to the middle of her back in soft curls that and enormous, luminescent green eyes that reminded Harry of sea glass. Elodie spoke with a soft, lilting accent that seemed musical. She was incredibly intelligent, funny, and engaging, and all of his friends were enamored of her. But when Harry had sat down across from her at dinner and tried to force himself to look at her in anyway other than a platonic light, he felt complete disinterest and slightly uncomfortable.

"Harry?" Elodie asked, and Harry was pulled from his thoughts and looked across to his date. She fixed him with a confused glance and Harry imagined that she had just asked him a question, or made some sort of statement. Harry vaguely wondered if he had automatically answered a question or a statement with an inappropriate "Uh huh."

"I asked how you are liking the Ministry?" Elodie offered again.

"Oh, I'm sorry," Harry said. "I love it. Ever since Hogwarts, I've wanted to be an Auror so it was a real honor to be taken on in the department."

"And you just started working there?" Elodie asked.

Harry nodded in response and looked at his plate, his food all but untouched. He speared his filet with the end of his fork and pushed it around the plate, mutely wishing that he had an appetite or any desire to eat because this bloody meal would cost him a small fortune.

"So, you are how old now?" she asked and Harry glanced up her, curious.

"I'm twenty six," he responded. "Why do you ask?"

"I am confused. If you are twenty six and just now working for the Ministry… What have you been doing up until now?" Elodie asked, and reached for her wine glass which was nearly empty.

Harry frowned at her question and puzzled over how to respond to her. Though he was certain that she meant no harm or insult, Harry had not had to explain the last ten years of his life to anyone ever. Every person who was aware of what had happened and what Harry had been up to were intimate members of his life. And now introducing a new person to all of his past, private mess? Harry groaned inwardly.

"Oh," he began, hesitating as he tried to decide how to answer Elodie's question. Harry looked away from her face and towards the rest of the small restaurant, searching for inspiration. "Nothing interesting, honestly. I've mainly been focusing on myself and taking time – _Luna._" Harry breathed out the last name as she walked through the entrance of the restaurant followed closely by a small, portly man who was at least twenty years her senior. Harry felt ashamed to recognize the relief he felt when her dinner guest clearly _was not _a date.

"Luna?" Elodie asked, and Harry's eyes dropped back to the woman sitting across from him. "What is Luna? I do not understand." Elodie's eyebrows furrowed and Harry cast another glance towards Luna, who was being led his way by the hostess. As they drew nearer, Harry could pick up strands of their conversation. The man was breathlessly speaking to Luna about publishers and various dates, all the while Luna was attempting to look politely interested.

The hostess stopped her journey at a table only three away from Harry and Elodie's – who had finally noticed that Harry was staring, open mouthed, behind her. Elodie glanced between Harry and Luna. "Who is that, Harry? Do you know her?" she asked. Elodie swung her head back towards Luna who, at that very moment, happened to look up right to Harry's table. At first, she simply looked surprised… but Luna's eyes danced away from Harry and settled on Elodie. Luna's cheeks flushed briefly before the color drained from her face, and her eyes landed back on Harry. The two were perfectly still, each locked within the other's stare and Harry thought that perhaps time had come to a standstill…

And then the moment was broken and Luna was turning to her guest, making her apologies, and hurrying to the exit. Harry was pushing himself up and out of his seat, reaching for his wallet, and throwing folded Muggle money on to the table. He ignored Elodie's surprised exclamations of, "What is happening? Where are you going? Harry!" and found himself walking, and then running, after Luna.

Harry hit the night air and the fog that he had been moving in since seeing Luna unexpectedly was cast away when the chilly air hit his lungs. He frantically looked around the crowded London street, desperate to see her and when Harry heard the distinctive pop of a Disapparition, he was following suit, not caring that a small Muggle boy had watched him disappear out of thin air.


	34. Chapter 34

March 2007

Luna appeared in the middle of her living room and in her haste to get away, had misjudged her landing and currently stood on the splinters of her old coffee table. She began to shake as she stepped away from the wreckage and became numbly aware that several small shards of wood were lodged in both of her ankles. As Luna sank into a chair and began the work of pulling the splinters out of her body, she was darkly thankful for the adrenaline pumping through her body. Everything was currently numb – her shredded ankles and legs and the emotions that she _knew _would wreck her the moment that she could regain her bearings.

Luna yelped in surprise as Harry Potter appeared out of thin air and landed in the exact spot that she had occupied merely moments ago. Luna stared at him in shock while Harry spun to find her, his face contorting in panic the moment that he saw her.

"Luna," he began, breathlessly. "Let me explain." He stepped towards her and Luna watched him, wearily. "It wasn't what it looked like. Elodie is just…" Luna felt the woman's name on his voice like a punch to the gut. "She's nothing. Hermione had this crazy notion that I wanted to be set up and I went along with it because I am an idiot. But I'm not seeing her or anyone for that matter. I just…" Harry paused his manic tirade and stared at Luna for a moment. "I just wanted you to know that."

Luna glanced down at her right ankle, which was currently propped up on her left thigh, and tugged at a rather nasty splinter. She gasped as the wood came loose and pressed a finger over the hole left in its wake, stopping the blood before it could begin to pool. Luna looked back at Harry and felt the adrenaline beginning to ebb away. Her head began to pound and she felt sick to her stomach.

"You don't owe me an explanation. You set yourself free, remember," Luna said meanly, fully aware that she was twisting Harry's words against him. All she wanted in that moment was to render him as lost and hurt as she currently felt. Three weeks had elapsed since Harry's speech at the baby shower and since that day, Luna had been moving through the motions like an automaton. Ginny's visit with her had opened her eyes to how she still felt about Harry and for the first time in a year and a half, she had begun to hope again…

But everything came to an agonizing halt when Harry confessed that he was stepping back and allowing Luna to move on with her life… and apparently Harry had given himself permission to begin his life anew as well. Luna found a thread of anger amidst her turbulent emotions and held on to it, convincing herself that he had wronged her once again. Hadn't he promised that he could love no one but her… that there was no one for him but her? And yet she had found him… clearly on a date with a beautiful woman who seemed to be in the league that Luna had so desperately wished to be in since the moment she realized that she was in love with Harry Potter. Whoever that woman was… Luna was convinced that she was on equal par with Harry… and she felt her heart breaking again.

Harry blanched at her words and stepped even closer to her. "No," he whispered. "I set you free." Harry dropped to his knees in front of Luna and looked at her battered skin. His hands closed around her fingers, which were tugging at yet another splinter, desperately yanking and pulling, hoping to induce a pain that would distract her from her current despair.

At the unexpected contact, Luna felt her resolve break and she suddenly began to cry. "You promised me," she accused, through her tears. "You said that there was no one else for you but me. You said that you loved me. And then I see you with her and… you're a _liar_."

Harry watched her, waiting for her to get it all out. And when he began to shake his head back and forth, Luna felt herself get mad. "I meant all of those things. I meant them all," he began to say and Luna ripped her hands out of his.

"Then why didn't you come back for me? Why did you step aside like a coward and say that you were moving on?" Luna yelled and Harry watched her. He moved his hands to either side of her arms and Luna felt his grip tighten marginally, as though he were afraid that she would Apparate away from him again. At least if she did try to run, this time he would be taken with her.

"I never said that I was moving on… I said that I wanted to give you the chance to move on. Aren't you and Rolf together? Doesn't he make you happy? Luna, all I want is to make up to you all the horribleness that I've caused. I ruined everything and when I saw that you had a chance at a genuinely happy life… I wanted you to have it, even if it meant that you and I couldn't be together." Harry watched Luna, waiting for her reaction and was surprised when he saw anger over take her sadness.

"You don't get to decide anything for me!" Luna's voice became even louder and she began to fight against Harry's hold on her. "You ruined _everything _! I was finally happy and then you screwed it up. And when I thought that maybe we could finally be okay again, you decide to take the damn high road?!" Luna voice dropped to just above a whisper. "Damn it, Harry. Why couldn't you fight for me… just this one last time?" And Luna felt the tears begin to pour down her cheeks in earnest. She stopped her thrashing and fell back against the chair, suddenly exhausted. Harry watched her.

"I had no idea what you wanted. Merlin, Luna, you left for a year without a single word and the next time I saw you, Rolf Scamander is hovering over you like a mother hen. What was I supposed to think or do? I've done a lot of things wrong… Hell, I've done most everything wrong. But you could have given me any sort of indication that you were feeling the same… I gave you two hundred letters that poured my soul out to you, I told you how I felt at your Dad's funeral, and to top it all off, my ex-fiancée even came to you. All of that… all of that and I heard nothing," Harry spouted off. He spoke in a steady, even voice, studying every single minute reaction from Luna. He began to trace patterns on her arms with his thumbs and he felt goose bumps erupt under his touch. "I can't read your mind, Luna. You didn't give any indication that I was wanted and so I made the most educated decision that I could with what I had."

Luna stared down at her hands as she cried and felt even more lost as the truth of Harry's words registered with her.

"If I knew that I was wanted by you, even in the smallest and most insignificant way, we wouldn't be having this conversation," Harry whispered. "What do you want, Luna? You have to tell me now so that I know how to move forward from this point. What do you want?" Harry repeated himself and Luna looked up to him, studying his face. Luna was struck by how vulnerable he looked, kneeling in front of her, and she moved towards him, almost unaware of herself… as if her body was acting by its own volition.

Luna hands came up on either side of Harry's face and she pulled him to her, and when their lips met, Harry's mouth opened automatically. Luna became breathless as she tried to convey all of her feelings and all of her emotions into that one, single kiss. Her pulse began to beat erratically under her skin and just went she thought that she may not be able to, she broke the kiss and pulled back from him. Harry looked at her and narrowed his eyes.

"Just so we're clear," he said softly. "Just so we can avoid any further miscommunications… _that_ meant that you want this right?"

Luna suddenly burst into laughter and wiped at the tears on her cheeks. Harry smiled at her, puzzled, and she began to nod her head. She leaned close to him once more, coming so close that their foreheads touched.

"Yes. I love you, you idiot," she whispered before kissing him again.


	35. Confession 35

Epilogue

June 2009

Luna stretched her arms high over her head and felt the joints in her shoulders and the discs in her back pop. Harry looked up at her from his place on the ground, kneeling and arms deep in the vegetable patch. His face screwed up in disgust and Luna peered at him curiously.

"I heard that," he said. Luna cocked her head to the side and watched him with interest. "I heard your back popping," he clarified and Luna chuckled in response, shrugging.

"Garden work is hard on the body," she replied and glanced down at the flower bed that she had been tending to. Harry sighed and stood, wiping at the dirt that clung to his clothes. He stepped towards her and stopped, dropping a quick kiss to her lips.

"I think I've mentioned how easy a few simple spells would make this," he reminded her and Luna smiled.

"Yes, but-"

"But it's not the same. I know… You've mentioned that a few times before too," Harry said, and looked around at the plants. "What'd you say, Mrs. Potter? Have we worked hard enough today?"

Luna smiled happily at her husband and nodded. "I think so, Mr. Potter. And how would you feel about a bit of tea and lunch?" Luna glanced towards Harry although she already knew what his answer would be and placed her hands on either side of her ever growing belly. "I think all that work made the little one hungry."

Harry chuckled and nodded, grabbing at one of her hands and interlacing his fingers with her. He pulled her hand up to his mouth and kissed her skin reverently before gently pulling her towards their home. As they reached the back door leading into their home, Harry paused and turned to his wife. He stepped close to her and kissed her.

"I love you," he whispered and Luna smiled at him.

"I know."


	36. New

[Thank you all for your continued support! Here's a little one shot glance at Harry and Luna's life after the events of Confession. Happy Valentine's Day and I'll see you all very soon! -Mariana]

Luna's eyes fluttered opened and it took her a moment to remember where she was - unfamiliar scents and soft noises surrounded her and the memories flooded her all at once, threatening to send her emotions over the edge again for the hundredth time during her short stay in St. Mungo's. Sunlight filtered in, bright rays bouncing across the shiny tiles every so often as the lazy curtains danced in the breeze and Luna wondered at the quietness. No Healer's attentions had woken her and so she glanced around the room, wondering where her husband had gotten to and she shifted, testing her body against the newfound soreness that enveloped her.

Luna winced as her muscles groaned in protest and the aches arose from places within her body that she hadn't known existed, but all at once the discomfort became minute as her eyes found Harry and rested upon him, awestruck. He sat at the foot of her bed in the overstuffed rocker, leaning forward, eyes intent upon the tiny being who rested, head cradled in his large hands and body supported by his forearms which strained, veins popping, with the effort of being meticulously delicate and yet carefully protective.

Luna drew in a soft breath and Harry looked up at her, the green of his eyes deepened somehow and he looked at his wife, thoughtful and amazed.

"Luna," he said softly and she smiled at him. "Her eyes are exactly the color of your's. It's incredible," Harry whispered and then he returned his watchful study back to their daughter. Luna thought her heart would explode but only smiled a bit wider and rested back into the comfort of her bed and pillows, watching her husband worship their daughter.

"Exactly the color?" Luna teased but Harry nodded his head earnestly, his eyes trained upon the tiny body in his arms. "But she's gotten your hair," Luna murmured and closed her eyes, happily sated and suddenly so very sleepy. She heard Harry draw a deep breath and she cracked her eyes open towards them, the black shock of her hair peeking through her father's fingers as he continued to stare at her, transfixed.

"Yes," Harry agreed. "But the rest of her is you. I swear it. She's absolutely perfect."


End file.
